My husband ‘hot-wifed’ me & forced me to have sex with over 100 men from swingers site – one abused me after an abortion

AS they drove around North Wales, Chris would occasionally stop to interact with people on his phone and was clearly enjoying himself. But his wife, Ruth O’Grady, was enduring yet another encounter on the back seat, pleasuring a stranger that he had invited from a swingers website. Ruth O’Grady was pestered by her increasingly controlling husband for them to join a swinging website – and ended having sex with over 100 people Credit: Catrin Nye Ruth bravely told her story to journalist Catrin Nye in the BBC Sounds podcast, Swingers Credit: Catrin Nye Ruth said: “There were days when he would post something specific like, ‘It’s s*ck me off Saturday! “We’re driving around in this location today, let us know if you are on a lunchbreak.’ Or something like that. Sign up for the Fabulous newsletter Thank you! “So, we would drive round in the car, meet men and I would (perform a sex act) in the back. I didn’t want to be doing it or be on the website in the first place.” It was a mix of illness, vulnerability, coercion and a feeling of failure that had led Ruth here. Ruth tells her shocking and often graphic story to journalist Catrin Nye in the BBC Sounds podcast, Swingers, using her full identity to reveal the complicated and difficult questions about consent and coercion. Throughout their marriage, Ruth had been pestered by her increasingly controlling husband for them to join a swinging website. When depression caused her to lose her job as a teacher, she was feeling a failure and so she reluctantly agreed to give it a try. But it turned into a year and a half of sexual abuse by Chris as he persuaded her to have sex with up to four men a day while he took no part other than watching and then often getting her to orally please him afterwards. Most read in Fabulous She would have sex at home, in lay-bys, car parks and on the back seat of their car while Chris drove around, punting for customers online. If she met men alone, she was expected to film what happened and send it to her husband. Ruth does not know quite how many strangers she had sex with over that 18-month period but knows it was more than 100. She says: “Chris was really nice after we’d do it all. “He would talk to me and laugh with me. He might give me a random hug. It was so nice.” Her encounters took a horrific toll. She contracted sexually transmitted infections, became pregnant and, while recovering from an abortion, she says Chris arranged for someone to have oral sex with her. “That was how little he cared for my feelings,” she says. She had first met Chris in 2008, after she had graduated in performing arts, and had hopes of being an actress. She says: “I was 21, working in a café and living back with my mother in North Wales. “I met Chris when he was working behind a bar in a local pub that I went to with a friend. He was stocky and strong, like a rugby player, which I liked.” In their small town, the pair would often bump into each other and within weeks they had moved in together. “People noticed that we were chalk and cheese in many ways,” she says. “I was from a middle-class background and he was more working class. I remember him saying early on, ‘I want to fuck the poshness out of you.’ I just laughed.” After they married, they moved to Birmingham, where Ruth worked as a school teacher. When a friend was putting on a comedy sketch show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and asked her to be part of it, Ruth was excited. “It was a huge opportunity and I felt really honoured to do it,” she says. “I was talking with Chris about it and he was furious. He said, ‘You’re not leaving here for the summer.’ “He was shouting about it in bed, in the middle of the night, and I just conceded and said, ‘Okay, I won’t do it.’ “And he put his arm around me and said, ‘I’m glad we’ve sorted that problem out.” This was just one small act of control that he had started exhibiting. He didn’t like some of the clothes she wore or complained when she had her hair cut short. She says: “If I did the things he wanted, and made him feel good, he would reward me with either attention, affection, kindness or leaving me alone. “But you don’t realise that’s what’s happening. If I refused and stood my ground or upset him in some way, he would punish me for it. “You don’t consciously know that but your brain must recognise the patterns. It’s very much like training an animal.” Chris began to bring up the idea of her having sex with other people and over the years, the pressure mounted. In 2017, something happened that changed her relationship with Chris, making her dependent on him. The unhappiness in her marriage, together with the pressure of her teaching job led to her having a breakdown. She took pills washed down with two bottles of wine and self-harmed herself, making cuts on her arms. She managed to call a teacher friend, David, to come to her house and he called an ambulance. In hospital, she was diagnosed with severe depression and psychosis. After several months, she was allowed home. Doctors deemed her unfit to work and she and Chris moved back to North Wales where, living on universal credit and heavily medicated, she became dependent on her full-time registered carer – Chris. “I remember feeling pestered and feeling very guilty about having been ill and not being able to work anymore,” she says. “And now I’m being pestered to go on this website. Seeing as I have ruined everything, I thought, this is the least I could do. “I know that can sound absolutely barmy to someone just hearing the story, but remember, this isn’t overnight. “Imagine being with someone for 12 years and them just convincing you of something.” At times, Ruth says it was easier and safer to appear enthusiastic and perform the role expected of her than to resist it – and to get the encounter over with as quickly as possible. She did arrange some of the meetings herself, she admits, but says this was something she never truly wanted to do. Ruth was 33 when she signed up to FabSwingers in 2021. When they joined, the rough plan was for both of them to have sex with couples – men and women. But what actually happened was just Ruth ended up having all the sex. She says: “It was basically me having sex with other men and Chris watching, if he wanted to, or just being in the house and sometimes not. “It’s called Hotwifing – acknowledging that you’ve got a hot wife, that some people want to sleep with her but you still have the control of ‘this is my wife. I own her.’ “Chris didn’t want me to tell anyone about what we were doing, but then, because of the gradual depravity and the degradation and humiliation, I wanted to keep it secret, anyway. “There were photos and videos of me all over the website. “I got pregnant by this 20-year-old lad. I did the maths and worked out who it was. “I think it was the early days when we were beginning. “I texted Chris about it and he wanted sex. I was still meeting men off the website because it matters not that I am pregnant.” A few weeks later, she had an abortion. “I was going through the termination and it was really painful and he invited someone round to have oral,” she says. “That was another point where I realised that he really doesn’t care about my body or the pain I was going through. All these men are abusing my body to the point where it’s getting infected, getting unwell, and now this termination is happening and yet I am still having to meet these men. “It was awful going through that.” Some months later, she visited a sexual health clinic after contracting an STI. On several occasions Ruth had told Chris she didn’t want to continue doing this but he pressured her into continuing and would lose his temper with her, so she carried on, to keep him happy. But finally, after more than 18 months on FabSwingers, she told Chris she was quitting the site. Seeking help, she went to the police in February 2023 to tell her about Chris’s controlling behaviour and she was given a safe house and professional counselling. After leaving, he called her phone asking her to come back, saying that he was sorry he had not been more supportive but she did not reply and has not spoken or seen him since. A little while after her interview with police, officers arrested Chris on suspicion of coercive control. He was brought in for questioning, but no charges were brought. Police pointed to instances in the couple’s WhatsApp messages where Ruth had appeared enthusiastic about swinging and felt that they did not have enough evidence to charge him. She says: “When they told me that. I felt silly. “Like it was my fault and I’d brought it all on myself. “It was like a teacher telling a pupil off.” But over time, she felt more and more that what Chris had done was wrong and made the brave decision to talk publicly about it. “It was only when Gisele Pelicot waived her anonymity and her case went to trial, that I decided to stop hiding,” says Ruth.” For over a decade, French woman, Giselle’s husband drugged her and allowed multiple men to rape her while she was unconscious. The public reaction to it, made Ruth want to speak out. The BBC approached Chris with her allegations but he did not respond to them. FabSwingers said that reports of non-consensual activity are treated as a priority risk and, where it is made aware of them, it acts and co-operates with police if requested. Domestic abuse - how to get help DOMESTIC abuse can affect anyone - including men - and does not always involve physical violence. Here are some signs that you could be in an abusive relationship: Emotional abuse – Including being belittled, blamed for the abuse – gaslighting – being isolated from family and friends, having no control over your finances, what you where and who you speak to Threats and intimidation – Some partners might threaten to kill or hurt you, destroy your belongings, stalk or harass you Physical abuse – This can range from slapping or hitting to being shoved over, choked or bitten. Sexual abuse – Being touched in a way you do not want to be touched, hurt during sex, pressured into sex or forced to have sex when you do not consent. If any of the above apply to you or a friend, you can call these numbers: The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night Men who are being abused can call Respect Men’s Advice Line on 0808 8010 327 or ManKind on 0182 3334 244 Those who identify as LGBT+ can ring Galop on 0800 999 5428 If you are in immediate danger or fear for your life, always ring 999 Remember, you are not alone. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic abuse over the course of their lifetime. Every 30 seconds the police receive a call for help relating to domestic abuse. Comment now