My husband has been cold and distant since I told him about my Alzheimer’s worries

QuestionBoth my husband and I have struggled over the years in our 56-year marriage. We have different personalities, and look at life and handle things very differently.He can be kind and patient, or totally the opposite to those values. In my view, he is a good person. I have been paying close attention to my memory as my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at my age. I consulted someone specialising in this field and answered the initial basic questions about family history etc. I return to see him soon.My main concern is the way my husband reacted when I told him how I’ve been feeling. He has become cold and distant. He tends to be like this and while I didn’t expect support, I had hoped for a little kindness. That has not been the case.I think it’s best to wait until after my upcoming appointment, when I may or may not have something concrete to tell my children. Or do you think I should mention my concern to them now and say that I may be in the early stages of the illness?READ MOREMeanwhile, I have a desire to hide away and not expose myself to anyone. Seven years ago, we moved to help family in need, and they moved on two years ago. Now I would like to return home. Is that wise?AnswerYou are really asking three questions: one about your husband’s lack of emotional support, the second whether you should tell your children what is going on, and thirdly, whether you might return to your home.To look at the first issue, you are with your husband 56 years and know him to be both capable of kindness and also of coldness. However, it is not acceptable that he abandons you in your time of vulnerability. The commitment was to support each other in sickness and in health and now is the time to call on this promise.We sometimes think age is an allowance for non-participation or poor behaviour, but we continue to be responsible for our actions and have possibilities for development until the end of life. If your husband refuses to engage with you on your worries, you might consider some straight talking.Of course, he may be withdrawn because of fear of losing you, but surely he can stretch himself to think of you and not of himself.[ ‘I met a woman who changed my situation completely – but she is married with two children’Opens in new window ]You speak of protecting your children from the knowledge of your possible Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Perhaps this way of showing love also plays a part in your allowing your husband to be unresponsive. I take it your children are adults and are capable of supporting you through this time of uncertainty. They might also assist in getting their father to row in. You do not need to protect them as they have resources themselves that can be called into action. Now is the time for you to lean on them and to accept their love and support. It takes a level of grace to receive kindness and concern. This can sometimes be more difficult than offering the same to others. Ask for this grace now and allow others to be the carers as well as the givers. This may challenge you, but it gives others a chance to grow and shine. You say you want to move back to your earlier home, and this certainly sounds like something worth exploring. You should consider talking to your family about it – they will hopefully be able to provide reassurance that it is both suitable and a good idea for you.You will need support and for starters, you can contact the Alzheimer Society of Ireland to discuss what might be appropriate and useful for you at this time. If your husband does not move back with you, it is better that this change is done when you are well enough to make good decisions for yourself and are in a position to gather good people around you. He may be unable or unwilling to support you, so facing this while you are well is something to consider. Also, couples counselling is for all ages and can assist you in having real and difficult conversations.As of yet, you have no definitive diagnosis, but this should not stop you from challenging your husband, or speaking to your children or possibly moving back to your home. Now is the time to act to ensure your future wellbeing. Do not wait around for the approval of others.There is a time for everything, and now is the time to act on your wishes for yourself and draw in kindness from those around you.The Alzheimer Society of Ireland helpline: 1800-341341.For couples therapy look up familytherapyireland.com.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com