My Husband Got Used to a Certain Lifestyle While I Took Time Off Work for the Baby. I’ve Created a Monster.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I’ve recently gone back to work after taking almost a year off to be with our daughter. During that time, I cared for her and did most of the cleaning around the house. My husband is with her during most of the day, and when he has to go to work, a nanny arrives and works for us for about four to five hours an evening. But there’s a big problem. He’s not cleaning during the day. When she naps, he naps. I know he is a restless sleeper and is trying to catch up on sleep plus be a stay-at-home dad, but I’m getting tired of coming home to dirty floors, dirty bathrooms, and laundry. Luckily, the nanny helps with the dishes. I’m reluctant to ask her to do more, and when I’ve expressed frustration at the state of the house, my husband picks up the slack for a couple days, then we’re right back where we started. It’s come to the point where I’m having the nanny stay late a few days a week so I can scrub the floors, vacuum, or clean the kitchen/prep dinner after working all day (so fun!). Did I create this by not having him help more when I was home? How do I bring this up without feeling like a “taskmaster”? I’d hire more help but it’s not in the budget right now. Is it too much to ask him to clean while she naps instead of snoozing, too? —My Second Shift Is Too Long Dear Second, I answered a similar letter in my last column but I want to answer yours as well because it feels imperative to say, no, you did not “create this” situation. You spent a year in the trenches, so you already understand that it’s not easy to balance child care and household chores. But most parents (OK, moms) seem to understand this is part of the bargain. The baby naps, you run the laundry. The baby’s distracted in the high chair, you mop the kitchen. Obviously, there are days you can’t do it and need a nap. But I think it’s part of the job description of stay-at-home parent to at least make an attempt to stay on top of the chores. Your husband is working part-time, so he’s effectively doing two jobs. But if you’re working full-time and handling the cooking and cleaning, then you are, too. There has to be a better way. Please sit down and talk this through; this is a problem for you to solve together. Be honest about your expectation that he be an equal partner in household upkeep. Then think about making some changes. Would the nanny be willing to fold the laundry after the baby’s in bed? Is there a neighborhood teen who could take over the yardwork without breaking your budget? If you order takeout one night a week you won’t have to worry about cooking—could you use that extra half-hour to deal with the bathrooms or change the linens? Beyond that, be the taskmaster you’re afraid of being; someone has to. Keep a running list of tasks and ask your husband to agree to deal with some achievable number of those daily. I realize that making a list of chores is itself a chore, but I think it’s a step toward a more equitable distribution of labor. —Rumaan Alam From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Father Spanked My Son. Can I Still Let Him Babysit? (October 1st, 2019). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I have two very young children with severe developmental disabilities (physical and cognitive) who will need lifelong care. They are sweet, lovely, funny small people, and everyone in our extended family has rallied around us and visits often to support us in looking after them. Everyone, that is, except my brother, who has seen them twice for a few hours each time and never calls or emails. When my daughter was hospitalized for epilepsy, he called my mother to ream her out for not telling him how serious their genetic condition was, as it affected his plans to have children with his wife one day. He did not contact me to see if she was OK. My 3-year-old has a strange habit of peeing on purpose during naptime at day care. At other times and places, she’s consistently potty-trained, but she pees on her mat at day care while she’s wide awake and will tell you that she did it on purpose. I think she does this because she’s either bored or doesn’t want to stay on the mat. The thing is, her teachers will usually offer her a book or let her get up and draw if she asks to. She just seems to resent being asked to stay on her mat in the first place. Recently, she actually laughed while one of them had to clean up the mess. How do I address this? I’ve offered good behavior charts and plenty of stickers and compliments when she doesn’t do it, but it seems wrong to reward her for not peeing on a mat on purpose! That should just be standard behavior. —This Can’t Be Good Dear This Can’t Be Good, Man, kids can be such jerks. She’s being a colossal jerk. She knows it. It’s kind of funny if you’re just reading about it in your email, but less funny if you’re cleaning up her pee or receiving increasingly grim missives at day care pickup. I am giving you an imperfect answer (they always are). None of us wants to do “good behavior charts” and the stickers and the rah-rah treatment to a kid who is deliberately being a pill because she doesn’t like what you’re asking her to do, which everyone else is doing, and for which she has been presented with numerous pleasant alternatives. But. You’re gonna get kicked out of day care if your kid keeps deliberately peeing on her mat like a cat who is aggravated you brought home a cheaper brand of wet food. You do not mention (and I wish you had!) if your child is generally well-behaved or kind of a hellion. If, apart from this truly impressive deliberate and literal piss-taking, she’s a pretty good kid, you’re gonna have to grit your teeth and do the nonsense good-behavior charts. You have my permission to bend the knee to Her Majesty this one time and reward her for not angrily peeing on her play mat. —Nicole Cliffe From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Brother Wants Nothing to Do With My Disabled Children. (December 6th, 2019). Dear Care and Feeding, I had a healthy baby girl three weeks ago and I’m starting to wonder: When does being a parent improve? I love my daughter, and I feel guilty even writing this because I am incredibly fortunate: I had an easy delivery and recovery, I have tons of support from friends and family (including parents who live around the corner and a husband who works from home and does plenty of baby-soothing and diaper-changing), and my baby is sweet and wonderful. But I’m starting to feel like the rest of my life will involve being trapped on the couch with a boob out for 12 hours a day, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram while it seems like everyone else is on a great vacation or enjoying a carefree summer. I know I should be savoring this fleeting phase (people keep telling me that!), but I just want to fast-forward to the part where my child can engage with me beyond her fervent interest in my nipple. When will I feel like a person again instead of a sleep-deprived dairy cow? —When Do Babies Get Interesting? Dear WDBGI, Three weeks, my darling, you are truly in the belly of the beast. Your body will not be finished healing for another three weeks at least, however easy your delivery, and it will be a few weeks after that before your milk supply is fully developed and your days can become a little more predictable. You are accomplishing so much every day, even as it feels like nothing. I promise that in a matter of months you will barely remember this time, because your baby will begin to wake up and brighten and want to engage with you and you will want to engage with her. At three weeks, I do not suggest lugging her and yourself to hang out with other babies, but trying out a few different slings and wraps and breaking up your day by getting out of the house and walking around the block. I used to take my tiny baby to Walmart, because it was the only place open at 5 a.m., and just pace with her up and down and up and down the aisles until I felt a bit more like a person and a bit less like a blob who didn’t even shower that day. Feel a little sun on your face. I never tell people things like “They grow up so fast! Cherish this moment!” because it only adds to your sense that you are failing to appreciate something magical and fleeting that you will never get back again. Speak honestly to your partner and to your physician. Boredom is endemic to these early weeks, but if your feelings change or you begin to experience, however fleetingly, a sense of despair, it’s time to run the problem up the flagpole. Right now? It’s just a waiting game. Those first gummy smiles are worth it. She will become fascinating to you, I promise. —N.C. From: Dear Care and Feeding: My 11-Year-Old Daughter Wants to Do a Master Cleanse Diet. (August 9th, 2019). More Parenting Advice From Slate Our oldest son, “Andrew,” had an affair with “Alyssa” and filed for divorce while his wife, “Sharon,” was pregnant with their high-risk daughter, “Allie.” He behaved terribly, and Sharon was forced to rely on family help because he was (and still is) delinquent on child support. For reasons too long to list here, Andrew is estranged from us and from his siblings and their kids. Three years later, we remain close with Sharon. She’s a careful budgeter, but her current salary covers only the basics. We help the most impactful place we can afford: splitting the costs of day care three ways with her and the other grandparents. We give almost nothing to our other beloved grandkids, because her need is greatest. Our kids know, and understand that we’re on a tight budget, but love them all. Recently, Alyssa contacted us saying she also had a child with Andrew, and he also left her! Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting