My Husband and I Have a Sexy New Lover. Our Friend Thinks It’s “Creepy.”

How to Do It He’s on a crusade against us. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My husband and I are both 45 years old. We’ve been married for 10 years. And we have recently met a new friend, “Owen.” Owen is significantly younger at 26 years old. But we’ve been getting to know him and we’re prepared to bring it up and ask him into our relationship. We both have feelings for him, the sex between the three of us is amazing, and we both enjoy one-on-one time with him as well. He’s matured, educated, and has a good job. He has his own apartment and a dog that we love. We don’t expect him to stay with us forever, but we both want to explore our feelings for him, together. The thing is, we discussed this with our group of friends, and their reactions are blowing our minds. One of our friends, “Tony,” has taken it upon himself to start a crusade against us. He says that the age gap is problematic and that Owen is “basically still a child,” which just isn’t true. Some of our friends have also expressed discomfort with the situation and we’re left wondering, are we being creepy old men? —Creeps or Cuddles? Dear Creeps or Cuddles?, A 26-year-old is not “basically still a child,” which means that Tony’s argument is based on a false premise. Look, I don’t think that everyone who takes exception to a large age gap is necessarily working on bad faith or concern-trolling. These kinds of comments are to be expected in the era after Me Too and Epstein, and perhaps even a sign of progress: People are seemingly more willing than ever to interrogate potential relationship issues that were widely taken for granted even a few years ago. Age gaps can lead to power imbalances that may at least warrant a discussion with the adults who are consenting to them. But to assess your situation and dismiss it outright because it’s “problematic” (a word that people use when they think they should be against something but lack the ability to articulate why, or so the internet has been teaching me since the Obama era) is to lack rhetorical sophistication. “AGE GAP BAD BECAUSE THAT’S HOW PEOPLE ON TWITTER SAY,” is an extremely lacking assessment. Now, if Tony had spent time with you, your husband, and Owen and perceived a situation where you were wielding power in a way that was clearly suppressive and against Owen’s will, sure, he’d have an argument. But what you’ve presented to me suggests that you are better off ignoring Tony and going about your love life how you see fit. That guy is no authority. A lot of the age-gap discourse comes from observations on how older men can lord over their younger women partners by seeking them out and holding society’s gender inequalities over their heads. Of course, not all hetero age-gap relationships are based on this kind of power schism, but some are. Simply transferring this argument to gays and acting like you’re talking about the same issues is foolhardy. The culture is different. Cruising, whether IRL or digitally, is much more common among gay men. Cruising collapses certain social-stratification markers—you may find yourself intermingling with people of entirely different backgrounds, financial situations, and ages than you would if you just stuck to your lane and maintained a friend group that is all roughly your age. And so, you may find yourself hooking up with someone who is several decades younger than you, yet is still a grown man who is enthusiastic about the experience. And maybe you both find that the sexual connection is intense and worth continuing. And then maybe in this process, you realize that, “Hey, this person rules, and I want to keep him around, actually.” Or you find yourself in what is unmistakably love. How terrible it would be for you to say no to love because Tony, who really doesn’t know anything about the actual mechanics of your connection with Owen, has a problem with it. In this situation, follow your heart. Let people be uncomfortable with the idea of you loving whom you do—this is something many gay men have already experienced anyway. And then prove them wrong. This guy that you and your husband have picked out is mature, educated, and gainfully employed. Let him impress your friends and then revel in the glow of being right. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a woman, over 30, and have never dated. I’ve consciously known for at least five years that I’m bisexual. But I live in a conservative area and I’m very close to my family, who would not accept me having a female partner. I find myself wondering if I should just tell people I’m straight—particularly the guys I try to date, who always want to know if I’ll have a threesome with them and another woman. Would it be best to reveal I’m bi after I’m already dating someone? Advice Sex