My Houseguests All Disrespect Me in the Same Infuriating Way. My Husband Is Taking Their Side.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, We own a home in a lovely part of the country and often host family and friends. I take pride in my house and have spent a lot of time, money, and energy decorating—including the guest bedrooms, which have nice bedding and linens. Think Pottery Barn display bed with layers of decorative shams, throw pillows, and blankets, none of which were cheap. The problem is my guests. I don’t know how to deal with adult guests who leave my guest room in a shambles: pricey throw pillows on the floor or folded in half and used for sleeping (after extra sleeping pillows were offered), pricey quilt wadded up and kicked off the end of the bed or left on the floor at departure. I feel like once a guest has “checked in,” the room is their private space, so I am not going in to do damage control or remove items mid-stay. My husband says I’m being picky and they don’t know any better, but I feel there is such a thing as being a good and conscientious houseguest, and some of our family members were never taught this. Short of stripping the room down to the bare necessities prior to their next arrival, is there a way to correct this behavior in twenty-something-year-olds without coming off as condescending? Whose job is it to teach them how to be better houseguests? My husband prefers to ignore it and just clean up after them, but I find that lazy. —This Isn’t a Hotel Dear This Isn’t a Hotel, The whole purpose of providing a guest room and everything in it is to see to your guests’ comfort, not stage a Pottery Barn ad shoot. You can’t pile a bed with tons of throw pillows and then get mad if people use them—or don’t use them, as the case may be. (I like to think that I’m a good and thoughtful houseguest, but honestly, there’s often no place to put extra throw pillows other than the floor?) It doesn’t sound as though any of your guests have ruined your items. They are just trying to make themselves comfortable—which, again, is the point. In any case, this really isn’t difficult: If you don’t want certain guests using your expensive things, move those things out of the guest room and replace them with items you won’t be so precious about. Or you can clearly state what should be done with the extra pillows and blankets that aren’t being used; for example, maybe you can ask guests to put unused items in the closet, or provide some other kind of storage. Similarly, if you want guests to strip the bed of used linens and fold them or bring them to your laundry room, ask them to! It’s not rude or condescending to let them know what would be easiest for you at the end of their stay. I usually ask my hosts what to do with linens and towels if they don’t tell me, but most people would probably appreciate receiving clear instructions. It would certainly be far better than your default, which is to passive-aggressively wait and see what people do, and then judge them if it’s not what you want. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate I’ve been in the lives of my stepchildren (ages 16 and 12) for nine years, and my husband includes me in all decision-making about them. They live with us half the time and their mother the other half. I do the homework help, doctor’s appointment scheduling, lesson booking, and a number of other basic parental support roles. (To clarify, my husband is an outstanding parent—he just has nonexecutive strengths.) My husband and I have always silently disagreed with the kids’ mom about most things. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family