My Hobby Lifted Me Out of My Postpartum Depression. My Husband Insists It’s Too Expensive.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by eternalcreative/iStock/Getty Imaes Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My husband and I are doing very well financially. We both earn six figures, and I even out-earn him by a significant amount ($50,000). He came from a large poor family who survived on food stamps and donations, while I am an only child who was brought up by well-off parents. We have been married for 13 years and have one child. I suffered from severe postpartum depression after having our child. I tried therapy and medication, but neither were working. So I tried horseback riding. After five years of riding, I finally feel like my pre-baby self again. I have come out of my postpartum depression haze, I’m more confident and healthy than I was before having our child, and I have decided that I would like to take my riding to the next level and buy my own horse. I quarter-leased a few horses off and on since I started riding, but I reluctantly stopped leasing when my husband had a fit about costs and time involvement. Our child also rides and absolutely loves it; most weeks we ride together and have a fantastic time bonding. I have mapped out all of the horse-owning financials, pros and cons, but my husband is a firm no. He hates horses, he hates the idea of owning a horse—he would be happy with me and our child riding one day per week and that’s it. He even said, “What if I spent multiple days per week at a strip club while you were at the barn/riding?” I said that would be an unhealthy habit, and it’s an immature comparison. He also asked if I could find a different, cheaper hobby, like running or knitting?I am a grown-ass adult, I work hard, I fulfill my family responsibilities, I can afford my own horse, and riding makes my child and me happy! His bad attitude about horses and horse ownership is ruining the fun of riding for us. I’m almost at the point where I want to quit riding altogether and hide in a cave. —Just Want to Feel the Wind in My Mane Dear Just Want to Feel the Wind, I really don’t understand your husband’s objection to this. You make plenty of money, and riding is something you and your child enjoy. Your husband should not be able to veto your ability to do it solely on the selfish basis that he does not appreciate it himself. I’m sure there are things your husband does that you believe are boring or pointless or a waste of money, but I doubt you tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot do them. He needs to understand that he is doing that to you. His strip club analogy is also very silly. He knows that strip club visits are more loaded than a hobby and have far wider-ranging implications than whether they allow him to relax or take the edge off anxiety and depression. A better comparison would be if he were to seriously take up golf or sailing, neither of which is cheap at the middle and high end. How would he feel if he loved golfing at nice, expensive golf courses and you threw the same temper tantrum about it?It might be a different story if your finances were tight or your hobby was something unhealthy or dangerous, but it doesn’t sound like you’re living off ramen or have taken up sword-swallowing. So his insistence that you and your child abandon something you love and can afford sounds like a control issue. He needs to understand that if he cares about your happiness and mental health, he cannot stand in the way of something that brings you joy simply because he, personally, does not understand it. —Elizabeth Spiers From: My Husband’s Resisting A Big Purchase That Would Make Me So Happy. (April 28th, 2022). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I’m looking for advice for my dad. He’s still struggling with grief one year after my mom passed away from cancer—only months after he retired in the hopes of spending their golden years together. Now, on top of that, he’s struggling with a different kind of burden because of my brother, who is in his early 40s. My brother has always been irresponsible and unreliable and had always leaned heavily on my parents to guide and support him, especially financially. My dad used to manage his bills for him entirely, and though he’s stepped back from that for the most part now, his name is still on the house my brother lives in with his two boys. My brother’s name is also on the house.The problem is that my brother rarely pays his mortgage on time, forcing my dad to pay it himself to avoid harming his own credit. My brother owes him over $10,000 in unpaid mortgage bills that he swears he will pay back, but he also got laid off from his construction job two weeks ago and doesn’t seem to be looking for different work. Most recently, my dad told my brother he really needed him to cover his latest mortgage bill because my dad didn’t have enough money in his checking account to cover it, and he’s got the bills on automatic payment to avoid late payments. My brother assured him he’d definitely pay this time, but of course, he didn’t, and my dad’s account overdrafted. The whole situation has my dad at a loss and so stressed out and distraught. He is spending all his retirement savings (without withdrawing from his 401(k)) on my brother’s bills with no definite hope of ever getting them back, but he doesn’t know what else to do. No one wants to see my brother and nephews made homeless. At the same time, my dad is going through a really emotional time of year: The one-year anniversary of my mom’s death is followed closely by my parent’s wedding anniversary, which is on Thanksgiving, and then there’s Christmas, which was always my mom’s favorite holiday. I want my dad to be able to focus on his own still very fresh grief and healing. In this situation though, is there anything at all that can be done to put the fate of my brother’s house in his own hands and take my dad out of the equation, financially and otherwise? —Silently Anguishing Daughter Dear Silently Anguishing, I’m sorry your family has been through such a rough year. Your brother’s grief may have compounded his already irresponsible financial habits. Unfortunately, your dad agreed to the mortgage just as much as your brother. They both hold equal responsibility for making sure the mortgage gets paid. Your dad can’t get out of the loan simply because your brother isn’t holding up his end. Neither party’s responsibility ends until the mortgage is paid off (refinancing, paying it off, or selling the property). Your father’s choice to manage your brother’s finances well into adulthood hasn’t stopped yet: As long as his name is on the mortgage, he’s still going to bare that burden. The easiest way to get your dad off this mortgage is to convince your brother to refinance the mortgage in his name only. Of course, with interest rates rising and your brother currently unemployed, refinancing is not very prudent. The other options involve getting rid of the house: either convincing your brother to sell (especially if he can’t afford the mortgage alone) or, failing that, your dad could consider escalating to a partition lawsuit. If your parents have always helped your brother manage his money, perhaps he has the money to pay the mortgage but is deadline-challenged. If you suspect that is the case, try to get your dad and your brother to work together to set your brother’s account up as the autopay account for the mortgage instead. —Lillian Karabaic From: My Daughter Won’t Speak To Me Because I Can’t Bankroll Her Entire Wedding. (November 21th, 2022). Dear Pay Dirt, Is my bad spending really a problem? I’m a single person in my mid-to-late-20s making a crazy good income at a little over $100,000/year and renting in a large and expensive city in the U.S. (about 30 percent of my income goes to rent and parking). I don’t want kids and am not planning on buying a house any time soon. Thanks to good advice and generous company matches, I have about $38,000 in my 401(k) and another $12,000 in general investments through a roundup investment app (Acorns). The problem is that I also have about $5,000 in credit card and medical debt, very little savings, and can’t stick to any sort of budget. I am thoughtless about money and end up spending frivolously and impulsively by diving into bizarre hobbies. To give you an idea, I found myself breeding exotic fish and owning about six separate fish tanks, I amassed a collection of rare gemstones, became a licensed facialist, self-published a novel, and am an avid gardener. Those are just a FEW examples from the last couple of years.I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which my therapist thinks is a big factor in my spending habits. I waste a lot of money technically speaking, but I’m able to be generous with my friends in times of need or just for fun, and I don’t worry about money despite my general balance of credit debt. I live my life without thinking about money, which is an extreme privilege I’m aware of, but I know I’m wasting a lot in interest and am squandering money others would give anything to have. I’m probably in the top 5 percent so I feel really bad about how I go about my spending, but I still feel like it’s not too big of a problem. Am I spoiled and irresponsible, or is this OK? —Reckless But Responsible Dear Reckless But Responsible, Your income is high, but you are not financially well. I don’t begrudge people spending on hobbies they love if they can afford it—I am a figure skater who owns $2,000 knife shoes—but you’re prioritizing your hobbies over your financial stability. Yes, your spending is a problem. It’s not an unsurmountable problem, but it could become an emergency if you don’t address it. If you unexpectedly lost your job, would you struggle to pay rent without borrowing from your 401(k)? The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s definition of financial well-being isn’t “makes six figures” or “has $50,000 in the bank.” Instead, they define financial wellness as control over your regular finances and capacity to absorb an economic shock— but also the freedom to enjoy life. That’s because your income is a tool for being financially healthy, but it isn’t the only determinant. Your behavior and attitude toward money make as much of an impact as the size of your paycheck. I’m not denying the power of more money, especially if you’re living close to the poverty line, but income alone doesn’t make up the whole of your financial story.If you make more money than everyone you know, you’re likely to think that $100,000 is a ton and that you can spend on anything you want. But if you hung out with Logan Roy’s kids, you might say it’s impossible to get by in a big city on only $100,000. You’re letting your income tell lies about what you can genuinely afford. Focusing on how much more you’re making than your peers makes it easy to convince yourself there’s no problem with spending frivolously.You’re doing a lot right, though! It’s great that you are saving for retirement, especially in your 20s. However, by holding onto credit card debt (and getting into more of it) while still putting money into investments, you’re costing yourself more in interest than you’re likely to make off the investments (especially on your taxable investments). What’s great about the amount of income you have is how quickly you can turn this around. If you find systems that work for your brain, you have a big shovel to work with. You could even retire in your 30s if you prioritize savings over gemstones and exotic fish. The fact that you’ve been able to save when it’s automatic, like your 401(k) and Acorns, but you still have debt, shows me that you need to find ADHD-friendly systems. You need a savings method for an emergency fund that works like Acorns does for investing, like Digit, Bank of America’s “Keep the Change,” or Chime’s “Save When You Spend.” That way, even if you’re spending on new hobbies, at least you’re building up an emergency fund simultaneously. I’ve done several streams on my channel about specifically handling impulse spending and building ADHD-friendly budgets. Find an interesting method and try it out for a few months to see if it works for you. If it doesn’t, try a new one. Changing your budgeting method often can keep the novelty factor up and keep you interested—it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. But pay off that credit card and medical debt before it balloons. Even if you have to crank down your 401(k) contributions for a few months, prioritize paying off your credit card debt ASAP (especially with interest rates going up). You should be able to pay it off in less than four months at your income level. After the debt is paid off, stick your credit card on autopay for the entire statement balance instead of the minimum payment, and don’t let it build up again. If you don’t trust yourself with a credit card or get into trouble again, it’s OK to get rid of it. Some people with ADHD find that their impulse control and credit cards are a terrible mix. You could also get creative and cool down spending impulses by freezing your card (after putting it in a Ziploc bag) in a block of ice. That way, the ice must melt before using it. I’m not going to tell you to stop doing cool hobbies or being generous. You sound like you would be a blast at parties. But set up systems for your long-term financial health first and THEN use the extra money for fun. Once you pay off your debt and start saving toward your six-month emergency fund (using an ADHD-friendly automatic method), make an “assorted hobbies” fund. Then buy all the fish, plants, and gemstones your heart desires until the fund runs out. —L.K. From: My Bizarre Hobbies Are Driving Me Into Credit Card Debt. (December 20th, 2022). More Money Advice From Slate I’m having a problem with a generous gift that I received from my (still living) grandmother. Before downsizing and moving into a condo, my grandmother lived on a 14-acre property in the middle of the woods. About a year before she decided to move out, she purchased a smaller plot of land (1.65 acres) that abutted her property. She bought it in my name as a gift. 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