My Girlfriend Is Getting a New Tattoo to Honor Her Dad. What She’s Chosen Is a Slap in the Face.

Dear Prudence I can’t look at this for the rest of my life. Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by SAIFUL/Adobe Stock and Cookie Studio/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Tony Ho Tran, a Slate senior editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and I can see myself having a future with her. However, the situation we’re in currently is making me question her character and our relationship, and it’s hurting me greatly. About six months before we started dating, her father passed away. They were really close. I wish I could have met him. She’s been very open with me about her grief and the healing process she’s gone through after his death. She has multiple tattoos and wants her next tattoo to be a small squirrel on her upper arm in honor of him—she has many fond memories of them camping together, and “squirrel” was one of her childhood nicknames. Any normal person would be fine and supportive of this, but I’m in a unique and pretty embarrassing situation that I’m still grappling with as an adult. As a child, I was bitten by a squirrel in a somewhat traumatic circumstance. I won’t go into details other than that it involved bullying and wasn’t some kind of freak accident. I had to undergo multiple rabies shots afterwards, and the entire experience, from the incident itself to the way my parents handled it, was genuinely traumatic and something that (among other things) finally compelled me to go to therapy as an adult. My girlfriend knows about all of this and has said she’s proud of all the work I’ve put in to process it. Because of that, when she told me she was planning on getting this tattoo, it felt like a slap in the face. I am sympathetic to her pain from the loss of her father and would support her getting a tattoo if it were literally anything else, but the prospect of being reminded of my own past trauma every time I look at her or try to be intimate with her is hard to grapple with. She is being incredibly dismissive about my reaction and is playing what I would consider to be the “trauma Olympics” by telling me that what she went through was clearly worse. She even suggested that this might help me move on from what happened to me, but even if it does work like some kind of twisted exposure therapy, it’s still a permanent change to her body that risks damaging our relationship. I even offered to pay for the tattoo if she got something else, but she just laughed and said her mind is set on it and that if I truly love her, I’ll accept it. I want to salvage our relationship so badly, but I am feeling so hurt and don’t know what to do. At this point, I’ll consider any suggestions to keep us afloat. —Pained Dear Pained, You can respect your girlfriend’s right to choose a tattoo, and still be hurt by how she’s responding to your concerns. Those are two separate issues, and neither gets resolved by deciding whose trauma is worse. I have a number of tattoos myself. Some of them mean a lot to me. Others mostly remind me of vacations where I drank too much sangria in close proximity to a tattoo parlor. They’re all choices I’ve made about my own body. If my partner were concerned about me getting one, that would matter to me—but the final decision would still be mine. The same is true of your girlfriend. This particular tattoo has a meaning that predates your relationship: The squirrel represents her father and happy memories of their time together. That isn’t a statement about you or what happened to you. I’d urge you to reconsider treating her desire to get it as a slap in the face or evidence of bad character. Your painful association with squirrels doesn’t erase her loving one. But her attachment to the tattoo doesn’t excuse her dismissing your concerns. Telling you that her experience was worse is unkind and unhelpful—as is telling you it could help you move on from your trauma. That’s something for you to discuss with your therapist, not something she can decide for you. If you’re still seeing a therapist, I’d bring this specific concern to them. If you aren’t, I’d consider reconnecting with one. You deserve support in figuring out how to manage your reaction and what you can live with. Before you decide whether the relationship can survive the tattoo, try to have another conversation—one that separates her choice from her response. “I understand why this tattoo matters to you, and it’s ultimately your decision. But my trauma is real too. When you compare our experiences, or say that I’ll accept it if I love you, I feel like there’s no room for my emotions.” Pay attention to how she reacts to your pain, even if she doesn’t change her plans, and whether or not you can understand the meaning of her choice, even if it does sting. If she continues to ridicule your concerns, that’s a relationship problem beyond the tattoo. Loving someone doesn’t mean being comfortable with every choice they make. But love does require empathy as two different people learn how to share space within and around each other. She gets to decide what goes on her body. You get to decide whether you can stay. Neither decision should require pretending your pain—or her attachment to her father’s memory—isn’t real. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My husband and I are arguing over what to have as the main dish for Christmas. This is going to be our first time hosting both our families since we got married two years ago. Typically, I make a turkey, and that’s that. My husband, however, wants to make a ham and serve it along with the turkey since his family is decidedly ham people. He’s even said he’ll make it himself so I don’t have to do anything extra, but that’s not the point. In my opinion, if someone is going to be a guest, then they eat what the hosts serve, absent any dietary issues. That’s more than reasonable, isn’t it? —Hamming It Out Over the Ham Dear Hamming It Out Over the Ham, Your husband isn’t a guest at your Christmas dinner. He’s hosting it with you. He’s not asking you to abandon your turkey or take on cooking another dish. In fact, he’s offering to make the ham himself so that his family’s tradition has a place alongside yours. That’s a pretty reasonable and generous proposal. “Guests eat what the hosts serve” is an odd rule to invoke when another host is volunteering to serve something they’ll enjoy. Hospitality is about making your guests feel welcome. Your husband is trying to do that. If there’s a practical concern—cost, oven space, the cleanup of hot ham water—talk about it and work out a plan together. But if your objection is simply that you’ve decided turkey should be enough, I’d encourage you to loosen your grip on the menu. You’re hosting both families as a married couple. There’s room to build a tradition that reflects both of you. So make your turkey. Let him make his ham. Dub it “The Feast of the Hamurkey,” and enjoy the leftovers. —Tony Classic Prudie My best friend works in a job that she is grossly overqualified for but that pays better than most entry-level positions in her field. It was meant to be temporary, but she’s been there for almost a decade now and is itching to move on. I was thrilled to hear this but alarmed at how she plans on doing it. Apparently, another friend of hers successfully faked her entire résumé and now works full-time in her dream job without anyone ever having noticed. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence