My girlfriend dumped me over mystery sexts on my second-hand phone – but I never sent them

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend thinks I’ve been cheating because my second-hand phone still had the previous owner’s ­messages on it. I bought the device in good faith on Facebook Marketplace. It was immaculate and I collected it from a house nearby. I’m 34 and my girlfriend is 40. She was married but that ended when her husband was unfaithful. Sadly, my girlfriend has now put two and two together and come up with five. A woman from my workplace has been flirting with me. She’s 39 and divorced. I was polite to her but never gave her any indication I was interested in her. My girlfriend’s friend works at the same company as me and heard that this colleague was obsessed with me. She told my girlfriend, who was ­horrified and angry. Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm. In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team. If you’re on the The Sun app, click here. If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial I tried to reassure her. I would never cheat and I simply wouldn’t even be capable of having an affair. It’s just not me. My girlfriend and I went out for dinner, which seemed to convince her I loved her. We even had sex twice that night. But the following morning, I came out of the shower to see her going through my “new” phone. I’m not very tech-savvy but there were messages on there from a few different women and it looked as if I had answered them. I didn’t know any of these people and I wouldn’t be as explicit as the person who wrote the replies. Despite this, my girlfriend simply doesn’t believe me. She packed her bags and is staying with her sister. When I contacted my phone ­provider, it told me that if the previous owner didn’t perform a factory reset on the phone, the SMS ­messages could remain. They are down the bottom of the list with my messages above. I just hadn’t noticed. How can I convince my girlfriend I’m innocent? DEIDRE SAYS: Make contact with her to arrange a meeting. Tell her you love her and hand over your phone again. Suggest she checks the dates of the messages, which will show that they were sent and received before you took ownership of the handset. Explain that you’ve arranged some couple’s counselling so you can prove you are being honest. She can then unpack the problems from her past and hopefully realise you’re not cheating. My pack How Counselling Can Help explains how these sessions work. IN A FIX OVER WEDDING AS GAY SECRET WILL BE OUT DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been invited to a colleague’s wedding with my partner but no one at work knows he’s a man and I’m gay. I’m not “out” at work even though I’ve been there for three years. I’ve been asked about my partner but I’ve not had the courage to tell my colleagues. I’m 34 and my partner is 37. I love him dearly. He works for a charity and he’s kind and considerate so I’m not ashamed of him – but as time has gone on, it just feels more and more awkward. The wedding is in a couple of weeks’ time and the office chat is all about it and who is going. A couple of the women have asked me if my partner “has her dress sorted yet?” and I’ve just said, “No, not yet”. It’s getting really hard to navigate the whole thing. Perhaps it’s easier not to take him, and to go to the wedding alone. DEIDRE SAYS: This is an ideal opportunity to introduce your partner to your colleagues. You may find some friends have had a hunch, given you’ve never given your partner a gender. From today, be open. If the subject of the wedding comes up, say “. . . and I are really looking forward to it”. If friends feel you’ve misled them, that’s their misunderstanding, not yours. Tell your colleague who is getting married about your partner, then there’s no uncomfortable surprise. Better that than leave your boyfriend at home. Weddings are such fun and you should be able to proudly show him off and enjoy this celebration together. EX USING MY PIC ON X-RATED WEBSITE DEAR DEIDRE: ON an escort site, my ex’s profile shows her in X-rated images that also picture me. I have a new girlfriend who is the polar opposite of my ex. She’s 26 and holds down a job, whereas my ex was constantly being sacked and had mental health problems. We didn’t end well. She trashed my flat and told the police I had assaulted her. I was released on all charges, thank goodness. My mate at football told me he had seen my ex on a website and she was “on the game”, as he put it. When I checked it out, I saw she’s got a profile photo – then these extra-raunchy images, offering “escort and extra services”. You can’t see my face but you can see my tattoos and anyone who knows her will know I used to date her and I’m in the snaps. While I don’t want to give all my information to this escort agency, I’m mortified that she’s using my image without permission. DEIDRE SAYS: She’s breaking the law if she’s using these images without consent. Contact her and tell her that you’ll report this if she doesn’t change her profile pictures. Give her some time to do this and, if she doesn’t do it, you can get expert advice and support through the Revenge Porn Helpline (revengepornhelpline.org.uk, 0345 6000 459). They can assist in removing the image or minimising the reach and the harm it’s causing you. SIS NOW ON SIDE OF TOXIC FAMILY DEAR DEIDRE: MY sister has totally betrayed me, where my abusive and toxic family is concerned. I’m a married woman of 35 and my sister is 40. We are two of seven siblings. Mum beat us regularly as kids and social services were constantly at our house. Dad was a gambler and drinker. He largely ignored us, spending all his time in the betting shop or the pub. Ten years ago, I told my sister that I’d had enough of only being contacted when my family wanted something. She agreed. We stopped talking to any of them. We’d spend time together, babysit for one another’s children and were really close. I then had a back operation. I lent my sister my car while I was out of action. When I asked for it back because I had to return to work, she said she needed it more. Things got heated. I said she was taking advantage and she went mad, accusing me of all sorts. We weren’t speaking when my husband drove by and saw my car outside my parents’ house. She’d gone back to the family. She texted me saying she didn’t want to hear from me again, then blocked me. DEIDRE SAYS: Understandably, you will feel heartbroken at being cut off by the one person who truly understands your shared history. Growing up in an abusive home didn’t give you the tools to navigate emotional storms like this, which is why things feel so devastating. Your sister should have returned your car but rather than dealing with the conflict, she’s thrown herself back into the chaos of your family. Try one last olive branch. Send her flowers saying, “I’m so sorry we’re not in contact. Can we start again?” That way, you’re letting her know you’re sorry for the situation, not apologising. If she doesn’t respond to this, you’ll know you’ve tried your best.