My Girlfriend Can’t Do a Certain Sex Act That Other Women Can. I’m Not Sure Which of Us Is to Blame.

How to Do It I thought everyone could do this. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Iryna/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, Is squirting something that only some women are capable of, or is it possible that I am doing something wrong as a partner? My partner has never squirted, and I sometimes wonder whether there is a particular type of stimulation or technique that could make it happen. How much of squirting is determined by individual anatomy and physiology, and how much can actually be influenced by a partner? —Water Works Dear Water Works, Squirting can be cultivated with “time, patience, and muscle control,” according to a piece on the subject by sex educator Lola Jean, friend of the column, who holds a world record in squirting. Not everyone who thinks they can’t squirt actually can’t and not everyone who tries, whether it’s via the tips Lola Jean gives in that essay or by other means, will be able to. Different bodies do different things. But keep in mind that the effort of the would-be squirter is going to matter much, much more than that of their partner. “I first squirted with a partner. This was not due to a particular technique my partner used, but because of the comfort they gave me when exploring my body,” writes Lola Jean. (Keep in mind that this is Lola Jean’s subjective experience, and the point is that the comfort her partner helped facilitate set her up to squirt. Comfort is not a guaranteed path to squirting.) If you are looking to make someone squirt as a trophy for your ego, the way that many men who write into this column regard women’s orgasms, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Lola Jean says it well: “Somehow, squirting has become yet another performance for people with vaginas. Squirting—an act of those with vaginas—has become almost entirely about heterosexual men, when, in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with them.” So there you go. If your partner wants to squirt and she hasn’t been able to do so, you can only do so much to help. It might require effort on her part to really cultivate the ability. Of course, if she wants you to participate in this, you can absolutely experiment, but your role may come down to being there to support and care for her either way. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, This is an update to my letter, the first one in this article, about how my boyfriend sometimes said he wished I had a penis during sex. I really appreciated your advice, as it turned out that wishing I had a penis was a sexy fantasy for him. I’ve tried pegging him once so far and we are both very into it. Honestly, I didn’t expect how into it I would be. This brings up a new question. Are there any guides to pegging written for people whose partners are already experienced with penetration? I feel like all the guides I read focus on opening one’s partner’s asshole up, fielding concerns about if it’s OK to be into getting pegged by your girlfriend, etc., but the advice I’m looking for is more like finding the right harness for your body type, how to keep a consistent rhythm going when topping (do I need to start doing crunches? I get tired so quickly…), what angles and positions are the best for pegging, etc. —Dildoed and Less Stressed Dear Dildoed and Less Stressed, I can’t tell you how gratifying it is to hear that a) my advice was helpful and b) I was right in clocking that your boyfriend’s “I wish you had a penis” talk was fantasy sex fodder (at least in part). I enjoy being helpful and I love being right. For this new batch of questions, I’m going to encourage you to continue talking to your boyfriend. It worked last time, right? He’ll be your main source when it comes to things like positions and angles. You just aren’t going to get a one-size-fits all answer to this stuff because people’s bodies and tastes vary so widely. One man’s doggy is another’s missionary. You also have an important say here. The idea is to find out what works best for both of you in terms of how your bodies fit together. This may be something that is answered through trial and error—hopefully the trial is enjoyable or at least amusing. Likewise, don’t assign yourself to a consistent rhythm if it’s not something your boyfriend has requested. Changing rhythms can be extremely pleasurable. A little bit fast, a little bit slow, a little bit somewhere in the middle, as the mood strikes. While toning your core is a good idea in general for mobility, even more important here would be the area surrounding your hips, including your glutes, quads, and hamstrings. This is what is triggered during a thrust. So think bridges and hip-thrusts, perhaps squats and deadlifts. Cardio training could also help your endurance. You asked an enthusiast so I’ll be brutal: Running sprints or a Norwegian 4x4 (where you run four minutes at 85 to 95 percent of your maximum heart rate four times with three-minute breaks in between) is my recommendation for efficiency. General rule: The more it sucks, the better it is for you. If your boyfriend likes being on top, that’s great and will take at least some of the physical exertion out of the equation for you. A position where you are standing and your partner is on a surface at your hip height might also help, especially if he is willing to do some of the thrusting. In terms of finding a harness for your body type, there are a few guides online to peruse: “How to Pick Your First Strap-on Harness,” “Strap-on Sex 101: How to Pick Out the Right Harness and Dildo,” “So You Want to Strap Up: Strap-On Recommendations From Someone Who’s Tried it All,” from sex-toy retailer Pleasure Chest, and “How to Choose a Strap-On” from another retailer, Babeland. Speaking of retailers, you’d probably be better off visiting a store so that you can see your options in person. You may be able to try the harnesses on in the store, but even if not at least you’d get some sense of how these things look and operate in real life. Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace! The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear How to Do It, My partner suffers from cerebral palsy. I don’t know much about it and I’m not really in a good place to dedicate time researching it, so I was just curious if I need to be careful or wary during sex? Anything that it would change, etc. (I’m topping.) —Careful With Cerebral Dear Careful With Cerebral, At the risk of coming off as a language cop, “suffers” is really not the best way to describe someone who is living with CP. Would your partner say they’re “suffering?” My guess is no. Maybe this is a minor point and you were being imprecise as you dashed a quick letter off to us, but it could also indicate how you regard disability. Don’t condescend to or pity your partner. They’re managing, right? I reached out to my friend Ryan O’Connell for help answering your question. O’Connell has written extensively about sex and CP in his recent essay collection Inspiration Porn, his novel Just by Looking at Him, and his Netflix series (in which he also starred), Special. His first piece of advice: Make the time to research this. “It’s your boyfriend. Do a light cursory Google,” he said. That will only take you so far, of course. Cerebral palsy varies from person to person so there is not any real monolithic bit of guidance to give here regarding mechanics or positioning. There’s a spectrum of mobility within CP. “It goes from mild to wild,” said O’Connell. “So, what I’m able to do in the bedroom as a bottom could be way different than what someone with CP with a different case could do.” The most important bit of research you can do is actually talking to your partner about what is possible/impossible during sex, but here O’Connell has nuanced guidance: “My instinct is: Let [your partner] dictate what they want. But I also feel like people with CP are very accommodating and so I don’t even know if they would be honest about what they could and couldn’t do. I think the way into the conversation is to be like, ‘What have you really enjoyed in the past? When you bottom, what do you like? What positions do you enjoy?’ Just so you can get a sense of their sexual history without it feeling like the onus needs to be on them to say what they can and cannot do.” And a parting word: “Oh, and don’t treat them with kid gloves. Don’t be like, ‘Oh my god, does this hurt you? Are you OK?’ That can be really not sexy.’” Take it from the expert. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a straight, cis female. My whole adult life, vaginal sex has always been sort of meh to me. few months ago, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new .We had anal sex. I’d always been resistant to anal because I have some digestive issues, but wanted to try it, so we did, and WOW. It’s like whatever nerves are missing from my vagina got put in the back door instead. I finally understood what people love about penetrative sex, and it didn’t hurt at all. Why does this feel so much better for me? Advice Sex