My Girlfriend and I Planned an Experiment in Bed. Now We Both Feel Incredibly Sorry.

How to Do It I can’t get over it. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Nenad Cavoski/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’ve been dating “Anna” for a couple of months. We get on well, and the sex is amazing. She’s very adventurous and has encouraged me to explore several kinks I’ve never quite had the nerve to pursue before, which has been a lot of fun. About two weeks ago, we tried some (very light) impact play. I was on top of her, thrusting away, and as we planned, I slapped her. It almost immediately felt wrong, and I had to stop the encounter. Things haven’t been the same since. I’m not even sure why, because she’s completely fine with how things worked out. We tried it; it turned out it wasn’t fun, end of story, right? But I can’t seem to get over it, and now she’s getting all apologetic about agreeing to it, which makes the whole thing worse. I’m not sure how to break this cycle here. —Messed It Up (he/him) Dear Messed It Up, If I understand correctly, you and Anna were trying out all sorts of kinky sex acts and having a great time with that, until you slapped her. Was the slap to her face? How were you feeling about the other types of impact before the slap? Were there any building feelings of unease, or was this definitely a sudden change when you slapped her? Had the two of you engaged in anything else where you were in a fairly dominant position? Any kind of bondage with her as the person being bound? Any other moments of sharp transgression? These questions can help you narrow down what might have been the difference, for you, between everything you’d done already and delivering this slap. If you need or want to keep talking this through, lean on people you can trust other than Anna for a while. I say this because she seems to have been slow to grasp the fact that although this moment was totally fine for her, it really wasn’t fine for you, and now her feelings of sadness and regret about your own feelings are making you feel worse. Interrupt that cycle by pausing your conversations about this with her (or, at least, letting her know that you’re working it out with someone who is less involved in the situation and will share where you’re at when you have something more concrete to say). This is ripe territory for a sex therapist or coach, if a few sessions with a professional are in your budget. A good friend who is comfortable discussing sex and feelings may be just as fruitful and efficient. I consider face slapping, presuming the slap is anything harder than a tap with only the fingers, to be medium impact, at minimum, and definitely not “very light.” This is based on the delicacy of the face, the risk of missing and hitting the ear (which can involve major pain and risk of physical damage), and the connotations of violence and control attached to slapping a person on the face. The latter can carry a lot of gendered differences, as well. All of these aspects can be part of the fun in BDSM, kink, and role-play, and can very much complicate our experiences of consensual, agreed-upon scenarios. Sometimes we neglect to consider the emotional ramifications of BDSM play on the top, so I want to emphasize that it’s absolutely OK to call a stop to a scene because it wasn’t what we imagined during negotiation, or became too much even when we are the top or dominant. You did well there. It may also be useful to consider whether you’ve ever struck someone who is more physically vulnerable out of anger or actual violence. (After the toddler stage, of course.) Have you ever witnessed domestic abuse or assault? Do you have any particularly strong reactions when you see it in films or television? Steer clear of any sex acts that are close to the situation that you’re stuck on until you have some clarity around it. You’ve got this. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I (38F) find myself in an absurd situation with my husband (36M) and I desperately need some perspective. We met in college and he insisted he was “not the marrying type.” So when we were tying the knot (including the standard promise of monogamy), I was very pleased with myself for taming the lady-killer. While our marriage is happy and the sex is great for me, I’ve always known he isn’t satisfied… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Sex