My Friend’s Wedding Had “Two Tiers” of Guests. I Couldn’t Believe What Those of Us in the Lesser Group Were Subjected To.

Dear Prudence Prudie replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 04, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Slate and Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday. Hey Prudie, Re Over the Zoom: A person I considered a very close friend did the two-tiered wedding invitation because the venue they chose could only accommodate 30 people and because she has complicated relationships with a lot of her family members, so this seemed like an easy solution. I ended up on the Zoom invitation list while other friends got in-person invitations (none of us lived in the same state as her, so it’s not like she was trying to eliminate travel for anyone). The invitation to the online guests encouraged us to dress up, make ourselves fancy cocktails and food using recipes they sent, and GET A BABYSITTER so we could be “fully present.” The audio during the ceremony didn’t work for the first half, and rather than wait to fix it for the 100 of us watching online, they plowed forward. Then we were assigned to “rooms” of loosely acquainted people, where we waited for an hour making awkward small talk until the newlyweds “visited” our room of 12 people … for exactly five minutes (there was a timer). The whole thing felt like such a slap in the face. I would have preferred NO invite at all! As my husband said, they asked us to take on all the hassle of a wedding (including sending a gift) with none of the fun. Who is invited to a wedding is always up to the couple, but it will also impact those relationships, for better or worse. I stopped making any effort in the friendship; she tried for a while, but I was so hurt, and she never addressed what felt like a very large elephant in the room, and eventually she stopped reaching out, too. To people thinking about doing this: don’t. It is so tacky, and you will damage relationships. Just have a small wedding! —Elizabeth A Wow, they really tried to make this work … and failed. I agree. Don’t do this! Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey Prudie, I have an idea for Don’t Stop The Party. I work in a box office for a live event venue. When patrons have extra tickets, they’ll often donate them to the box office to be used as a “goodwill” ticket, i.e., a ticket that someone doesn’t have to pay for. We give these to students or older patrons, and it truly is a mitzvah to see them light up and get to experience something they otherwise might not be able to. Check with the event venue. They may have a similar program. —Box Office Betty This is the perfect solution. Hey Prudie, I’d like to offer another perspective for Sensitive Stresser. I wonder if part of the reason for the husband’s reaction comes from the realization that he cannot share an interest or favorite activity with his loved ones. There is a certain tabletop activity game that I do not enjoy at all, but my husband loves. Because I enjoy art (and work in props and fabrication), I will create things for him and his friends to use in the game, although I will not play the game with him. I also encourage him to play the game with our kids (they’re not huge fans, either, but they like the stuff I make).My point is, even though I don’t share that particular interest, I try to focus on those aspects I do enjoy, and ignore the parts I hate. Because I know that if I went around saying things like, “you know, it’s OK that most people think this game is for nerds,” I would really hurt my husband’s feelings and color my kids’ judgment of him and others who engage in the activity. Based on the language used in the letter, I get the strong sense that the letter writer doesn’t enjoy watching nature documentaries at all, but will do so begrudgingly (characterizing a movie as “stressful” rather than suspenseful says more than the LW realizes). If Mom is reacting strongly to the images, as she stated, maybe this is a case of learned behavior (you know how they tell you to remain calm so the kids will also remain calm?). I am curious whether the daughter has the same strong reactions to nature documentaries while watching them with just Dad, without Mom around. Has she been given that opportunity? Further, has Dad ever shared with the daughter what he finds interesting about the documentaries and why he likes them? Of course, if the daughter is truly uncomfortable with nature documentaries, I wonder if there are other activities that the dad can do with his daughter to share his interests. There are a lot of kid-friendly nature shows out there (“Wild Kratts” and “Crikey! It’s the Irwins”). Or, maybe Dad and daughter could get a zoo membership, or something else that’s just for the two of them. Bottom line, while yes, it’s OK to decide whether or not you find an activity to be “stressful” and to decline to participate, make sure you’re not yucking someone else’s yum. —Role for Charisma The point about learned behavior is a really interesting one! You could be on to something there. (I also had a little laugh at how you didn’t mention the name of the “certain tabletop activity game,” as if the manufacturer might sue you for publicly criticizing it.) Hey Prudie, I am beyond livid on behalf of Wicked Witch! This is a diabolical Machiavellian plot her ex-husband has concocted, truly on par with a Disney villain. I’d be willing to bet good money that he used his wife as a convenient excuse to avoid all things mouse instead of being honest with his family about his personal convictions. Making the trip contingent upon the letter writer’s participation gives him an out. He is being deliberately manipulative and setting her up for failure! Do not give him a penny toward this trip! Aside from it being an audaciously unreasonable ask, it will set a terrible precedent for your relationship with each other and with your children. Your feelings about the House of Mouse aside, you have valid reasons for saying no: You don’t have the money, and it’s not something you can swing right now. Full stop. If he doesn’t have the money either, then unless some of the other Disney adults want to foot the bill, unfortunately your children can’t go either. I really think the LW needs to get ahead of this narrative, especially with her children. I’m petty, so I would ask for an itemized list of what my $3,700 is paying for (is that amount really just for your children alone, or is he trying to cover his and/or someone else’s tickets, hotel stay, etc?). Then, I’d figure out what the cost for the kids actually is for a trip like this. I would email the people going on the trip and say something like this: Hi Family Members,Wicked-Ex just told me about the family vacation. Unfortunately, due to the late notice, I’m not able to get time off work. As I’m sure you’re aware, my financial situation has changed in the last year, and I am still figuring things out. Please let me know when you start planning the next big trip so that I can start putting money aside so that the kids and I can join you.Best,Witchy-Poo I don’t know how old your kids are, but you can explain this to them in a very matter-of-fact, age-appropriate way: “OK, Daddy just did the math and showed Mom how much a trip to Disneyland will cost. If we want to go next year, how much money do we need to save every week?” Make it clear to them that trips to Disney take a lot of planning (which they likely know from watching the videos), and that includes planning for money. When Dad agreed they could go, he forgot to plan for money. He made a plan without Mom, and Mom and Dad are still a team when it comes to making big plans for the kids. The bottom line is that he made an unreasonable ask of you, and that wasn’t OK. You’re not a witch for calling him out on that. —A Witch Is Just a Powerful Woman I’m glad to hear you were as outraged by this as I was! He’s definitely a Disney Villain. The only thing I’d quibble with in your very good response is that I don’t think she should get involved in taking family trips with her ex. Too many opportunities for him to try to manipulate her. Hey Prudie, I suppose it’s not super pertinent to the question at hand (and of course the letter writer would be biased toward their daughter), but I do feel for the stepkids in College Fund, maybe because I’m in the same age group. I’m not saying that their level of rudeness is acceptable (they could at least be polite), but it’s mentioned that LW’s daughter is significantly younger than her husband, and it would be completely understandable for a twentysomething to be upset that their father has remarried and had a child with someone barely older than them. Their mother’s remarriage and their comparably positive relationship with that side of the family isn’t really relevant, especially if their mother remarried someone closer to her own age. That said, I do agree that LW doesn’t need permission to start a college fund for their grandchild if they want to. —I Don’t Endorse It But I Get It You’re right. I’d love to hear the stepdaughter’s perspective! Classic Prudie I adore my son, but my pregnancy was a trial through the pits of hell. I was hospitalized continually in my last month, and my heart rate dropped so low it actually stopped once. While my son and I came out the other side OK, I am never going through this again. My husband has agreed to get a vasectomy. We agree this is for the best. My husband’s sisters unexpectedly cornered him over us having a second child, and unfortunately he was honest… Advice Dear Prudence Weddings