My Friend Wishes We Had Warned Her About Her Last Boyfriend. Well, I Have Some Unfortunate Intel on Her New One.

Dear Prudence I’m watching history repeat itself. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 13, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My friend “Hannah” has been single for a long time, has dated various men over the years, and her most recent relationship ended very badly and hurt her a lot. After it ended, several friends spoke up about what they knew about her ex, and she was upset no one had warned her. Now she is dating again, and I found out someone she has been seeing is the ex of someone I know and have heard a lot about that is not good—think unhinged behavior, threats, cheating, stalking, manipulating, etc. I’m worried Hannah will get hurt again, although so far this guy has been nothing but appropriate, charming, and fun with her. My gut says this could be love bombing, and I think Hannah isn’t very good at noticing red flags until it’s way too late (she tends to overlook a lot and get hurt months down the road after she becomes more invested). Should I tell her what I’ve been told about him? I am hesitant because it is hearsay from his last ex through a third person close to her (whom I trust to be truthful), and it also feels like I might risk my friendship with Hannah by saying these things about the man she is dating. On the other hand, if even half these things are true about him, she is walking into another bad relationship that will end in her getting hurt again. What should I do? —Again and Again Dear Again and Again, Tell her. But deliver the news very gently, with a lot of disclaimers and caveats and—this is key—have very low expectations for what she will do with the information. Decide beforehand that after you share what you know, you will wash your hands of the situation and allow Hannah to make whatever choice she’s going to make about her relationship, even if it’s clear that it’s one that will lead to suffering for her. Here’s how that warning could sound: “Hey Hannah. I wanted to talk to you about something I debated whether I should even bring up to you. But I ultimately decided it would be best for you to have all the information so you could make the best decision for yourself. A friend of mine once dated Wayne and said some concerning things about him. She talked about threats, cheating, stalking, manipulation, and stuff like that. It made me really worried for you, and I remembered how you’d wished people would have told you what they knew about your ex, and that’s why I am bringing the information to you. I know you’ve had a different experience with him, and I have no way of knowing whether what I heard is true, but I just thought it would be best for you to know so you can make your own decision.” If she’s concerned and intrigued, offer to put her in touch with the friend who said these things. If she bristles and becomes defensive, say, “I’m sorry if it was a misstep to bring this to you. I did it because I care and thought you would want to know, but I apologize for making the wrong call. We never have to talk about it again.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My cousin “Nathan” and I have always had a good relationship despite a fairly large age gap (I’m 36, he’s 51) because our moms were very close sisters. Nathan has long had a practice of posting long essays on his social media about family, gratitude, recent travels, his faith, his children, etc. I’ve always enjoyed reading his thoughts and found it quite charming that he could be so earnest with his self-expression in a time when a lot of people are pulling back what they share online. Recently, though, he has turned to publishing very obvious AI writing. It makes me so sad to see AI slop that sounds like travel brochure copywriting in place of what normally would have been a tender missive about spending time with his wife in a new city. Both of our moms passed away last year, and he has posted several long tributes to them that just ring so hollow and uncanny. I miss my aunt and my mom very much, and I know firsthand that grief is a strange process—but it makes me feel weird to see them rendered in a classic AI cadence and tone. My mom and auntie were not “quietly” doing anything, but that’s a chatbot’s favorite phrase! I’m not mad at him for this. I just want to let him know I miss his old writing. I know he has it in him, and that AI isn’t unlocking some previously inaccessible well of self-expression. He doesn’t have a following other than his real-life social circle, and social media isn’t his job. He’s just always been an emotional, expressive guy ready to share an upbeat, philosophical take on a fairly benign subject, and I loved it! Do you think it’s rude to give Nathan feedback that it’s obvious he’s using AI and also that it’s not having the same effect as his previous writing? —Concerned Cousin Dear Concerned Cousin, I can’t be objective here because I have an outsized, unreasonably enraged reaction when people use AI to write and think nobody will notice. I don’t know why it drives me nuts! Maybe because we can learn so much about people through their tone and their choice of words, and if everyone sounds like an AI bot, I don’t see the point of even writing anything. Or perhaps I’m just resentful that many people aren’t valuing writing, the one thing I think I’m good at, as much anymore because they are happy (thrilled, even!) with whatever slop comes out in response to their prompts. Anyway, I completely understand how you feel. The sad truth is that I’m pretty sure a lot of the public can’t tell the difference between an essay by a human and an essay by a chatbot. So maybe this strategy is working for Nathan. He’s getting his message (or a message that approximates his, but includes things like “my trip to Mexico wasn’t just adventurous, it was incandescent” and “this salad is a quiet but impactful addition to my weekday dinners”) across and probably receiving similar feedback. Who knows, maybe he has freed up some time to spend with his kids or pets or to actually do the cooking. So join me in privately seething and save your feedback until he explicitly asks for it. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, A friend of my husband’s has a nasty habit: Whenever he talks to someone, he invariably sprays them with spit. He doesn’t have any medical issues or speech impediments that would cause it. It’s just the way he talks. Obviously, it’s gross and unsanitary. What would be an appropriate way of pointing this out to him so I don’t get soaked every time we interact? —Preparing to Invest in a Splash Guard Dear Preparing to Invest in a Splash Guard, Given that the vast majority of people do not get other people wet when they talk, I wouldn’t be so fast to assume that there isn’t a physiological issue behind what’s going on with this guy. He might just not be vocal about it. Certainly he’s not doing this spraying on purpose. Of course, that doesn’t change your desire to protect yourself from a saliva shower. Try: “Oops, we must be standing too close together; I got a little spit sprinkle. Let me scoot back.” Classic Prudie My co-workers and I have all been victims of a lunch thief over the last couple of months. We’ve tried putting notes and signs on our lunches asking people to please leave them alone, we’ve spiked our lunches with hot sauce or pepper in an attempt to make them unappealing (which also leaves them inedible for us), but the lunch thief has still been striking a couple of times a week. This was brought up at our last company-wide meeting, with dire consequences promised if it doesn’t stop. After having his lunch stolen three times in one week, one of my co-workers installed a hidden camera in our break room… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence