My Friend Ignored Every Wedding Invitation I Sent. Now She’s Back, and Her “Excuse” Hurts Just as Much.

Dear Prudence I reached out so many times. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 19, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, Earlier this summer, I got married to a wonderful man. The process of wedding planning was stressful, to say the least, but I am so glad to have celebrated with so many loved ones. I have a friend from college with whom I have remained close since we both moved to New York City. We’ve stayed connected through birthday parties, craft nights, walks, and were even roommates for a time. I have considered her a close friend for many years. Last summer, I suddenly stopped getting replies from this friend. To my knowledge, there was no event that caused her to stop replying. Months went by, and not only did she not reply to a simple check-in text, but she also ignored our mailed save-the-dates for the wedding and eventually the actual wedding invitation. I even invited her to my bachelorette party (just dinner and drinks out in the city), but still no reply. I felt really hurt by being ignored, as the wedding was already bringing up a lot of anxiety around friendships and connections from throughout my life. When I tried to call her, I was sent to voicemail, so I stopped. She ultimately did not even RSVP to the wedding. Two weeks after the wedding, she texted me that she was sorry and that she had been overwhelmed by her job and graduate school, but would like to reconnect if I was open to it. This is after 12 months of being ghosted. I miss her friendship, but feel extremely hurt and confused. What do I do? —Ghosted By a Friend Dear Ghosted By a Friend, I feel pretty sure that “overwhelmed” is standing in for something more serious in your friend’s account of her graduate school experience. Like “deeply depressed,” “completely isolated,” or “miserable and totally shut down.” If the scenario I’m imagining is accurate, I really feel for her. Still, I hesitate to tell you to jump into fully reconnecting. This is because 1) she hasn’t given an explanation that really justifies the intensity of her ghosting, which makes me concerned that she’s not far enough removed from whatever she’s going through to be in a position to rebuild trust with you, or even to stay in your life long term, and (related) 2) you’re in —or just coming out of—an era of feeling a little uncertain and hurt about your relationships. So it doesn’t seem like a good time for you to set yourself up to participate in her experiment of trying to engage in the basic requirements of friendship again. You struggled a little around your wedding, and now that it’s over, it’s time for you to enjoy being married and deepen your relationships with the people who have demonstrated that they can show up for you, not to make yourself vulnerable to someone with a history of being unsteady. That said, don’t ignore your friend or cut her off completely (again, I think she was probably having a really hard time and what she did wasn’t personal), and definitely leave the door open for a new version of your friendship, if you really do miss it. Instead of making plans to hang out and expecting your relationship to be the way it was before she cut off communication, try saying something like this: “Hey, it’s really great to hear from you, and I’m sorry last year was so tough. I’m happy you’re on the other side of it. I missed you so much, and I have to say I’m still really hurt and confused by being completely ghosted, especially around my wedding. I wish you could have at least sent a quick text to let me know what was going on with you. And I’m honestly a little nervous that if we did reconnect, you would disappear again. I know I don’t have the full picture of what you were dealing with or how things have changed on your end, but if you’re comfortable talking about it and could help me understand a little bit more about what’s been going on, that would help me a lot and would be a good place to start.” Classic Prudie My best friend recently got engaged to a woman I think is awful. In the year and a few weeks they’ve been together, I’ve never seen her treat him compassionately or tenderly. I frequently marvel at the cruel things she says about him in public, even though he laughs these incidents off and swears she behaves differently when they’re alone together. Our other friends have similar concerns. Despite him being in his early 30s, this is his first relationship, and he seems to be rushing things with someone who’s terrible for him out of fear that he’ll never have another chance at love or having a family… Advice Dear Prudence Friendship Weddings