My Friend Group Often Makes Jokes About a Certain Sexual Subculture. That Just Got a Whole Lot More Complicated.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by dikushin/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My friend group and I have a big group chat; we’re around 20 or so people. Lately, after someone in the group had an interaction with someone in a furry costume in real life, furries have become a bit of the butt of the joke in said group. They crack jokes about furries and their costumes all the time, in a way that, while I know they mean no harm, is actively showing their distaste for people who sexually engage with the furry world. Recently, in a bout of one of these joking riffs, I pushed back a bit (I don’t know any furries and am not one myself, but come on, it’s getting old, and who cares what people are doing between consenting adults!) and said something along the lines of: “Wow, we’re judging people for having some fun in costume???” They piped down after that. But then I got a text from a friend in the group. They were confessing to me that they, in fact, partake in the furry world and have felt so anxious and awkward in the group lately because no one knows. They thanked me for saying something and then asked me not to tell anyone. I assured them I wouldn’t. They were just happy to vent about it with me, and I told them they could come to me whenever. But also, now I feel a responsibility to get the greater group to really cut it out for good. I’m not very close to the person mainly instigating the jokes—and I’d like to stick up for my friend somehow without making it obvious I know something they don’t. Any advice? —Furry Problem (he/him) Dear Furry Problem, Your friend didn’t ask you to press the issue, and while there’s immense value in sticking up for people and speaking your mind in the face of nasty behavior, there are other ways that you can devote your energy to justice that are more effective than escalating this confrontation when the problem seems to have ceased. Possibilities that come to mind involve doing the frankly kind of boring work of phone banking for political candidates whose policies you agree with, showing up to protests if you’re able to keep a cool head to keep things peaceful, and continuing to use your words to shut bigotry down when it is happening. Leave the topic alone unless it comes up again (or another niche sexuality, or category of person, becomes the recurring butt of the joke). If you make a big deal out of the furry jokes again, seemingly out of nowhere, that will likely cause at least one person in the group to wonder why you’re circling back to a subject that has ceased to circulate, which could end up blowing your furry friend’s privacy. If your friend group replaces furries with, say, foot guys, tackle the question of why they focus on a specific target population based on a sexual preference for their derisive humor. And if they shift to things like race, religion, gender, sexual and romantic orientation, or anything along those lines, reconsider whether you want to stay friends with these folks at all—or at least with the ones who are leading this line of discussion. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My brother and his wife have an absolute palace of a home, and I’ve been asked to house-sit for a week while they go to Europe next month. It would be a fantastic opportunity for a sex party. Would it be OK to hold one there without telling them if I were to supply all the liquor and refreshments and make sure everything is in order once the event concludes? —Perfect Party Place Dear Perfect Party Place, I tried, and was unable to imagine, a sort of person who you would be reluctant to simply ask for permission, but would also be OK with a sex party having happened in their home. Even if you manage to truly put everything back in order. Even if you have a cleaning service come in to do a deep clean. I’m guessing that you know, on some level, that most folks feel pretty squeamish about the idea of a pile of strangers having an erotic romp on their furniture, and that your brother, his wife, or both are aligned with that norm. So, no, it would not be OK to throw a sex party in their home without their permission. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, My girlfriend’s favorite position is cowgirl, but unfortunately, I think I’m just a bit too much for it to be comfortable. Every time we try it, it’s painful for her, and she has to switch positions after less than a minute. I could go without this position, but it’s her favorite, and I can tell she feels down about this being off-limits to her. Is there something we can try to keep me from going as deep, or just to make it overall a more comfortable experience? I’m open to some experimenting for her sake. —Missing the Ride Dear Missing the Ride, Try the OhNut. Rich found this product years ago; I’ve used the OhNut myself at several points in the time since to mitigate the exact issue you’re describing. And I sometimes send them to friends (only the most beloved friends) who are having the same problem. The only complaint I’ve ever heard is that managing to get the rings on top of a condom without feeling sort of overly engulfed at the base of the penis can be fiddly. If you and your girlfriend aren’t using condoms, this won’t be a concern. If you are, try a bit of lube under the rings. If that doesn’t work, try to find a way to take one for the team every once in a while, out of regard for how much your girlfriend loves cowgirl. It may help to consider that the base of most people’s penises isn’t all that sensitive to begin with compared to many other areas of the cock and balls, to think of it as a very tall cock ring, or to lean into anything maybe odd but enjoyable about the sensation. You can also simply put your focus on the amount of pleasure your girlfriend will probably be displaying. —Jessica More Advice From Slate I was a virgin until age 23. I guess if I were in this position these days I would be classified as an “incel,” although I’m glad that godawful term didn’t exist back then. The main reason I was a virgin that long was because of wild levels of anxiety/panic I’d experience whenever I contemplated rejection, along with a way-too-idealized vision of what I wanted in a romantic partner that contrasted with my actual sexual desires. I was also obsessed with my best friend’s girlfriend (no bueno). In other words, it was much easier for me to masturbate about people I desired than confront my fears. Advice Sex