‘My friend group ganged up on me - did I deserve it?’

Dear Roe,I am a woman in my late 30s and I am at a loss as to how to act around two friends after an incident where I felt ganged up on. They are trying to sweep it under the rug because drink was involved. However, I feel so humiliated that I don’t know how to be around them. We went for dinner with a close male friend of theirs, who said about his partner: “Not that she’s a r****d, but her English isn’t great, she could try harder. She is lazy.” The remarks were jarring, but I didn’t make a scene. Later, I made a casual comment about how harsh I thought his words were. This was met with defensiveness by one of the women, who said: “You just hear things so negatively.” The other woman fell in line, and soon she was shouting. I tried to de-escalate with a calm voice, but they mocked me: “Stop doing that weird thing with your voice.” They claimed he never said those things, but also demanded I “give him grace” for throwaway comments. I asked where my grace was and the response was: “Stop making this about yourself.” When I went silent, they demanded I speak. I apologised just to make it stop, but one of the women kept cursing and shouting. At this point, I was silently sobbing. I pretended everything was okay just so I could slip out. The next morning, they were sending sweet messages wanting to meet up. Short responses resulted in: “Feeling the elephant in the room. Let me know when you want to chat about it.” Did I deserve how I was treated? Am I playing the victim?What in the unholy hell is wrong with these people?Let’s break this down: a man used an ableist slur while being absolutely horrible about his own partner, not to mention gross and xenophobic (I’d love to hear how fluent this beacon of intelligence is in a second language); you gently called these comments out because they were disgusting; your two friends ended up shouting at you, mocking you, continuing to curse at you while you were crying, and then made you feel like you are the problem?READ MOREAgain: what the hell?I am so deeply sorry these people did this to you. There’s something core-shakingly upsetting when grown adults not only behave like this, but enable and embolden each other. Being in an adult friendship feels like it should have a really basic code of conduct: that we speak respectfully to one another; that gently set boundaries are respected; that when we express that we’ve been hurt, that pain is taken seriously and attempts are made to repair; and that we don’t gang up on one person and keep cursing at them as they cry. When that basic code is broken, it’s deeply unmooring, because it reveals a lack of safety. These people who are supposed to care about you have shown that they’re willing to turn on you if you dare to set boundaries, making your existence in this group conditional on never speaking up when you’re uncomfortable. Your safety and respectful treatment are not a priority of the group. Your conformity and adherence to their rules is.The fact that this group rallied around to protect this one man from even gentle criticism of his (again, disgusting) comments and punished you instead is revealing. This group is operating from a place of conformity and protecting the group above individuals and values. When you highlighted his comments, you were speaking from a place of values: “This group doesn’t speak like that or hold attitudes like that, and should want to do better.” By making your criticism the problem, the group was speaking from a place of group protection: “This group cannot withstand direct communication, challenge, personal accountability or evolution, so anyone who criticises anyone else must be shut down immediately.”What’s interesting is that they’re doing the very things they’re terrified of. They were scared of what it would mean for you to criticise someone, challenge or exclude this person for his attitudes, or force the group to deal with conflict. So instead, they criticised you, excluded you, and created conflict with you. The logic they’re operating under is simple: they can’t control what happens if they demand that he do better. But they can maintain control and the status quo if they shut you down and shut you out.This isn’t because you’re weak or wrong or less reasonable than he is. It’s because you were the person asking the group to change. If they took your criticisms seriously, it would demand something of everyone. This man would have to stop acting like a racist, ableist, misogynistic cretin, and the group would have to hold him accountable. Everyone would have to get uncomfortable as the group reorganised itself around values, not just shared history. If you criticise someone’s character, you’re essentially asking the group: “Do we hold the same values? Are our relationships strong enough to survive sometimes tricky conversations? And are we willing to evolve together?”And for this group, the answer may well be no. Their priority may always be simply maintaining the existing friendship structure – even when it comes at the expense of healthy or respectful behaviour. That’s why you became such a threat. By highlighting his horrible comments and your friends’ failure to address them, you held a mirror up to their relationship: there are nasty attitudes and behaviours being enabled here, a fear of growth, and the relationships are too fragile to survive an open conversation. So to protect the relationship, you have to be shut down.[ My boyfriend often drinks heavily and takes cocaine and I’m struggling to deal with itOpens in new window ]This isn’t your failing. I need you to hear this, because being surrounded by people treating you like you are the problem can make you feel crazy: You didn’t do anything wrong. This behaviour was unacceptable. You didn’t deserve any of it.Now, you get to decide what happens next. Your friends are reaching out and acknowledging your distance, so there is an opportunity to have a conversation, if you wish. Maybe they know their behaviour was unacceptable and want to genuinely apologise, which may be healing. Remember that an apology is just an acknowledgment of bad behaviour. It does not require anything of you. You don’t have to go back to normal, give them the same access to you, or pretend this won’t take time and effort to recover from. Maybe they invest in that repair process and the friendship survives. Maybe you maintain your friendship with them as long as you’re never around that man, because your friends cannot be trusted to behave safely towards you within the dynamic they have with him. Maybe you downgrade them to acquaintances. You don’t have to make any permanent moves now. You can move slowly, making long-term decisions based on their behaviour over time.But don’t ever let them make you believe that you were the problem here. You exposed a deep fault line in their values and dynamics, and they trampled you in a rush to cover it back up. If they want to linger in the grim, shadowy recesses of their horrible behaviour, fragile friendships, and reliance on conformity, let them. You value the light and truth of open communication, respectful behaviour, accountability, shared values, and doing better. If you want to throw the withering creatures in the dark a pleasantry every now and then, do. But don’t let them drag you down. Find people who share your values, keep them close, and enjoy the warmth that comes with real connection, safety, and genuine friendship. Good luck, and grow tall.