My Fiancé Was Totally Supportive of My Lucrative Surrogacy Plan. Then His Mother Got Involved.

Dear Prudence Prudie chats with Lizzie O’Leary, host of What Next: TBD, about a Mother-in-Law meddling in a very personal matter. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by fizkes/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here. Dear Prudence, I have two children of my own and have been a surrogate three times. It was for money, but I always felt proud being able to give good people a chance to be parents. I am divorced. My fiancé is a widower. We are very blessed that all our children get along and neither of us want another. I am at the threshold where another pregnancy might be more difficult, but I never had any serious complications. My doctor delivered all five children and doesn’t see a problem with one last one. One of my clients wants another child and because we had just such a beautiful connection, they want me again. My fiancé was all for it, especially since they offered much more money and we of course know the couple (I have stayed in touch with all three families and all the kids have met). Everything was going great until his mother got involved. She finds surrogacy “against God” and had a fit because I will not give her another grandchild. My fiancé and I both had our children rather young. His is a high schooler so going back to diapers is a little ridiculous. My fiancé just starts backing down when his mother gets on these rants because she has a heart condition. I can’t help feeling betrayed. I love him. I want to marry him. Our kids get along and even my ex has given his blessing! What do I do here? We were just planning a court house wedding and going to put this money towards retirement. And I feel I owe the couple an honest and final answer, so as not string them along. They are lovely souls and even better parents. —Sad Surrogate Jenée Desmond-Harris: I’m working hard to put aside my personal bias, which is that I cannot believe someone would want to be pregnant for a fifth time, for any amount of money. My kneejerk reaction is to be just as strongly against this plan as the fiancé’s mother for totally different reasons. I want the letter writer to give her body a break and avoid any potential complications. To help me get past that, I kind of had do the mental exercise of replacing “I want to be a surrogate” with “I want to join a pickleball league” to help myself remember that this is a choice the letter writer is making that is really just about her own body, and the mother-in-law’s opinions are totally irrelevant. Lizzie O’Leary: I think it would be a sixth pregnancy? To which I also have the holy moly reaction, but probably because I was old AF when I was pregnant and that’s my baseline. However, it’s not my body and if the LW wants to go for it, she should. Obviously, the MIL gets no say here, but I do want to flag that it troubles me that the fiancé is backing down when his mother is inserting her opinion here about something that is really none of her business. That, to me, seems worthy of a big talk. Jenée: You’re right, I lost count! I’m wondering is he backing down by saying “OK mom, thanks for sharing your feelings” or by saying “You can’t do this because my mom doesn’t approve.”? I guess it’s the latter because the letter writer feels like the plans are at stake. That’s not great, but they’re not going to have time to fix their marital dynamic in time to give the mom-to-be an answer, so I think she should just say “I’m going to do it because I know I had your support before your mom got involved and I’ll support you in dealing with her reaction and remind you that her being upset isn’t the end of the world.” Lizzie: Yeah. I think there is a chance here that this might help (?) set a tone for how they handle conflict in the future. I mean, no time like the present to establish a precedent for what is the MIL’s business and what isn’t. And how to talk to her with compassion, but also hold firm. Jenée: The thing that’s hard to understand when you’re the one all wrapped up in an intimate family relationship with someone like the MIL is that you may as well do whatever you want because she’s going to be unreasonable and upset all the time regardless. I promise if they cancelled the surrogacy plan to appease her, she’d be happy for a week and then next thing you know, she’d be mad that they didn’t ask her to make the weird side dish nobody likes on Thanksgiving. And of course she’d still be upset about not having another grandchild. So it’s not worth catering to her. Lizzie: As someone who is often worried about other people’s emotions, and working hard to unlearn that behavior, this is excellent advice. I think that also goes for the fiancé and it’s probably worth our LW underlining that it is really key for her fiancé to be supportive and loving. They are a team now. Advice Dear Prudence