My Fiancé and I Are Getting Closer to One Day Becoming Parents. But There’s Something He Wants That I Think Is Deeply Unfair.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by RHJ/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I have been with my fiancé for almost eight years, and we’re finally getting closer financially to being able to afford surrogacy. It is highly unlikely I can have children naturally (I have vaginismus and severe endometriosis). Even if I could, I think the risks for me personally are not low (I have mild scoliosis and diagnosed major depressive disorder), and the thought of postpartum depression, especially in the wake of the Lindsay Clancy trial, terrifies me. But he and I want a child, so surrogacy for many reasons is probably our best option. However, my fiancé wants to use his sperm as the donor sperm and has been putting pressure on me to “consider” getting my own eggs for donation. Not only would it make it cheaper and we could do it more quickly (he’s 37, and I’m 32, so we’re not young-young), but I can also tell by the way he speaks about it that he likes the idea of the child being biologically both of ours. I do not want to go through the process of egg donation. It’s easier for him to consider because all he has to do, pardon the crudeness, is have some fun and put his in a cup. If I am even fertile, donation normally involves shots, monitoring hormone levels and my cycle, and then an actual procedure to harvest, which is petrifying. This part may be selfish, but if I don’t want to use my egg, it only feels fair that he doesn’t biologically contribute, either, but I know he’d hate that. How can I navigate my feelings about this? Is it right to ask him not to contribute even if he wants to? —Eggless on the East Coast (she/her) Dear Eggless on the East Coast, Your fears around egg donation are valid, and it’s important that you express your concerns to your fiancé clearly and—because you’re looking to possibly start the process soon—quickly. You mention major depressive disorder, and the hormonal changes you’d experience throughout the process of egg freezing could certainly lead to mood changes—a known side effect—that might be challenging for you. (You can read through some anecdotal accounts from women who experienced these kinds of symptoms after the process—including from someone who’d previously dealt with depression, whose mood suffered so much they decided not to go in for a second round. And I feel I should caution that even as a new parent via surrogacy, you can experience a kind of postpartum depression.) I also think that the discussion around whether you both can’t (reasonably, easily, take your pick) contribute biologically to the baby, then maybe neither of you should, is a discussion that many couples in similar situations have. As you navigate this conversation and your feelings, be honest while also showing your fiancé you value his feelings, too. Weigh your options. Would you be open to another family member donating eggs instead? In the same way want him to be considerate of your feelings, extend that courtesy to him and stay open-minded if he says that he really wants to contribute himself and doesn’t want to use a sperm donor. While he has been putting pressure on you to use your eggs, if you haven’t clearly told him that you don’t want to as you work through your own feelings, he honestly might not know. If you share how you truly feel, hopefully he will, in return, open up about what he’s thinking. These are all very tough decisions to make and conversations to have, and there’s no right or wrong answer on how to do it. What is important to remember throughout this process is that your end goal is to become parents. Families are formed in many different ways, and if you end up doing it in a way that is not exactly how you envisioned it, that’s still OK. It is essential, though, to think of and lean on each other. Every decision you make doesn’t exactly have to be “fair,” but it should be made together. Compromise, while not always easy, is part of building your family and can be worth it in the end. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My 16-year-old wants a small, meaningful tattoo for his birthday. As someone who has tattoos and started getting them at that age (and now regrets the ones I got then), I feel as if there’s no reason why he can’t just wait a few years. But my husband thinks it would be a cool gift and that it’s not a big deal because it’s small and meaningful—my husband and I both have the same tattoo. Thoughts? —A First Dear A First, Small tattoos can be covered up later. They can also be removed. Personally, tattoos don’t bother me, and it seems what bothers you about yours from that time is not the tattoo itself but the design you chose at that age. So, flip the script. Don’t make him sneak off and get a tattoo without permission like many of us did without thinking it through. (My first tattoo was done in somebody’s basement at a “tattoo party” for around $25.) Instead, help him really consider his idea. You already mentioned that it’s meaningful, so he probably wouldn’t regret it like you do. Make sure he has a talented, qualified, and safe tattoo artist to go to so that what he plans to get is actually the tattoo that is delivered. You can go with him or let another trusted adult tag along, like your husband, an uncle, an aunt, or a family friend. My advice would be different if you were anti-tattoo. But you’re not! So, focus your energy on making sure it’s done right. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, How do you get kids comfortable making their own decisions? I have two kids—11- and 10-year-old girls. The older one is “Sophia,” and the younger one is “Helena.” Sophia has always been very independent and headstrong. She always wants to be included in the decision-making process for any major decisions and has very strong opinions. If I were to ask for her opinion on anything, like what outfit she’s gonna wear to her grandmother’s for our weekly dinner, or what restaurant she wants to go to as a celebration for getting good grades, she either has an answer ready or she wants to make the decision herself and dislikes any suggestions. This, of course, can have its own problems, but I want to talk about Helena. Helena is terrible at making decisions and struggles to make decisions for herself. A constant refrain if I ask those same questions is “You choose.” What outfit does she want to wear to Grandma’s? “You choose.” Where do we want to go for dinner? “You choose.” If I try to get her to make those decisions, she hems and haws, and it will take 30 minutes to an hour, or she gets into a bit of a panic and overthinks things. She started middle school today and spent a lot of time weighing the social implications of the color of her braces and choosing between three similar-looking glasses frames. The middle school allows phones in the hallway (which I’m not a huge fan of), and she texted me in the middle of the day asking which lunch she should get. I couldn’t answer as I was in a meeting at the time, and when I got home, I learned she didn’t eat lunch because she didn’t know which one to get. I’m not sure if she’s so indecisive because she’s overthinking everything, her sister is so opinionated, or something else entirely. It seems to cause her a lot of distress. How can I get her to become more independent? —Making Decisions Dear Making Decisions, I can understand your younger daughter possibly not caring about having a say in some decisions, especially if she’s used to her older sister taking charge. But the fact that she skipped lunch because she couldn’t make a choice concerns me. Her indecision is affecting her in a way that could harm her, and you should look into what’s causing her to freeze up. It seems as if your daughter has a very real fear of what could happen if she makes the wrong decisions. Ask her: “What do you think would happen if you chose this option versus this other option that day? What were your feelings about it?” If she can express her fears (for example, choosing what other kids would say is the wrong meal or braces colorway and being teased), then you know where to start: confidence. You can help her start to believe in herself and her choices by assuring her that she can be herself and that the right friends and right people will still be around her regardless. Middle school can be a tough time for a lot of kids, so if that’s what’s causing her to pause, then it’s a natural response—even if it’s one that you need to know about so you can intervene as needed. If she can’t find the words to explain why she can’t make decisions or why she’s afraid to try to do so, consider bringing in professional help. Anxiety can take all kinds of shapes and forms. A good therapist can help her identify the source of her nervousness and help her find ways to work through it that are best for her. —Arionne More Advice From Slate I have four children, with another on the way. My oldest, who is 9, is very creative and bright, but is perhaps prone to hoarding a bit. She draws and cuts out creative pictures. She keeps magazines she wants to read, and interesting bits of recycling she will use for art later. When she was younger, I would just throw away most stuff. (She didn’t remember or care.) Now that she is older, I want to respect her desire to create and keep her own stuff, but I am also finding myself driven crazy by the mess! Advice Family Kids Parenting