My Father-in-Law Loves Asking People, “How Much Is THAT Costing You?!” Then His Reaction Is So Embarrassing.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Wavebreakmedia/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My father-in-law always wants to know the cost of various things and how much money people make. It’s never a matter of planning or consideration; he’s not discreetly asking someone what their car payment is because he’s researching a new car purchase for himself, he’s just blurting out, “How much is THAT costing you?!” to someone in mixed company because he’s nosy. He will ask about the cost of any item he notices in our house, and he will ask about the salaries of various people if they come up in conversation. My husband usually tells him. I find my father-in-law’s habit exceptionally rude. Especially because he usually reacts with some incredulous variation of, “HOW much?!” etc. My husband thinks “everyone should talk more openly about money” and doesn’t really see a problem with his dad’s behavior, insisting it’s coming from a place of clumsy-but-honest curiosity. I should add, my father-in-law is not from a culture where there’s frank discussions of other people’s money like this; he’s a white Boomer American. Am I out of touch here? How can I handle or deflect this moving forward? —What’s the Damage Dear What’s the Damage, The fix is simple: Stop feeding it. You don’t have to answer him, and you don’t need a reason. “Oh, I never remember the prices.” “More than I should have.” “You know I don’t do numbers.” Say it pleasantly and move on to something else. He’ll keep asking for a while, because that’s become his habit, but questions that don’t get answers eventually stop getting asked. The one thing I’d raise with your husband is your feeling that when he answers for the household, he’s answering for you, too. He may not realize it now, but at least he’ll be on notice that you don’t like it. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I’m the oldest of four children (in our 40s and 50s) born to VERY wealthy parents. Their assets are in a trust and one such asset is a condo. They plan to change the condo’s title to a trust or LLC in our names. How does this work with our parents? As owners, would we pay taxes, monthly HOA/utilities and any necessary upkeep? Are they considered tenants and we landlords (so need some kind of lifetime lease)? How does a trust and LLC differ? What about my siblings? We mostly get along but aren’t close and don’t talk about money. My parents have been very generous over the years. Some of us are more self-reliant than others. Two of my siblings don’t work and rely on their spouse’s job and our parent’s gifts. So this could get thorny. I have no doubt my parents have the best of intentions. I’m very lucky to have this “problem” but it’s giving me pause. Is this a good move? How should we move forward? I know “talk to my parents” is the answer. I will but what should I say? —Trying to Be Thoughtful and Keep the Peace Dear Trying to Be Thoughtful and Keep the Peace, You’re asking the right questions, which puts you ahead of most families in this situation.Let’s start with the basics. A trust holds assets on behalf of beneficiaries according to terms your parents set. In this case, it apparently includes real estate, and the terms should address who can live there, who pays which part of the expenses, and what happens when someone wants out. An LLC is a business entity you’d all own shares in, governed by an operating agreement. As with all things, the details matter. An LLC can offer liability protection and cleaner rules for buyouts and transfers, but it’s also a business you and your siblings would be running together, perhaps forever. And you’d be able to make changes to it over time. Some trusts—a qualified personal residence trust, for instance—transfer ownership of a home or property to beneficiaries after a set number of years, at which point you’d take on taxes, HOA fees, and upkeep. Your parents, if they choose to continue to live there, would pay you “fair market rent” as defined by the IRS, which would ostensibly cover the costs to own and manage the property, with perhaps a little extra for your “profit.” Other types of trusts simply hold title for beneficiaries while your parents continue paying everything as occupants. If it were structured as an investment property, the trust itself would pay expenses and distribute income to you, taxed as ordinary income. An LLC is different again—a business entity with an operating agreement spelling out contributions, distributions, and exits. It’s not an either-or. You can have a qualified personal residence trust that is set up as an LLC, also. The first thing to do is, of course, talk with your parents about what trust or LLC they have set up and clarify how they intend to have it managed. Given that they are “VERY” rich, they probably have an estate planning team (consisting at least of an estate attorney and accountant). Ask them to sit down with you and your siblings and their estate attorney to walk through their estate plans. This should help everyone understand what they have and what they want you to have and do with their assets now and in the future. If you and your siblings aren’t close and don’t have the same views on money, your parents may decide one of you will be the “money lead,” and give you power of attorney over their financial matters. You, or whoever they choose, might also be the designated executor as well. With a large estate, being the executor or even a money lead can be a difficult task, especially if heirs are living with different financial realities. Written rules beat assumed goodwill any day of the week, so it’s worth taking the time to understand how the estate is put together and what their priorities are before agreeing to take on the job. —Ilyce Classic Prudie I’m almost 18 and graduating high school this spring. My grandparents (father’s parents) just told me they have almost $200,000 saved up that they are giving me for college. I was stunned because I knew they were better off than my parents, but I had no idea about this. I asked why they didn’t give anything to my sister, who is 22 and will graduate college right before I graduate high school. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Personal Finance Relationships