My Father-in-Law Just Announced His Growing Family. My Wife Is on a Rampage.

Dear Prudence It’s happening whether she likes it or not. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 12, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My mother-in-law died five years ago in a car crash. It was awful for everyone, and my father-in-law was especially helpless. He and his wife were high school sweethearts and raised four children together. I was actually happy when he started to date because it got him out of the house. Then he met and married “Silvia,” who is about 12 years younger than he was. His other kids warmed up to Silvia, but my wife never did. Well, Silvia is expecting, and while I didn’t think anyone expected his other kids to be over the moon, no one expected this kind of explosion. My brother-in-law started making noises about the will and whether they were going to be cut out, and my wife told her dad that he needed a DNA test because it was “obviously” not his. My father-in-law is no longer speaking to anyone but my other sister-in-law because she is the only one who kept her mouth shut and defended Silvia to her siblings. She reminded them that when their mom died, their father split the life insurance between them and gave them money when their grandmother died. I tried to stay out of it, but my wife is on a rage bender where she rants about Silvia being a golddigger and taking advantage of her dad and how it was “sick” that he was having a baby at his age. My father-in-law is barely in his 50s and in great shape. Also, Silvia is a nurse and makes a lot more money than he does. I finally told my wife that whether she likes it or not, her dad is having another kid, and it is perfectly normal for him to focus on that right now. She doesn’t have to like it, but she can be happy for his sake. My wife turned on me and asked me what I would do if she died and I remarried, and whether I would choose my new kids over ours. We don’t have kids. I answered that this was ridiculous, and she insisted. So I said I would establish a trust that one of her siblings would watch and look over. She called me a liar. I told her to get a grip. Her future half-sibling will barely be in college when her dad turns 70. He will never be able to fully retire, but he loves his wife and is excited about the baby. Where do we go from here? —Baby on Board Dear Baby on Board, Everything you’ve said is true, and your wife is indeed having an unhinged reaction to something that really isn’t her business. Let me say it clearly: She is wrong. Adults are not supposed to behave like this. But I don’t think making it your job as her husband to announce her shortcomings and condemn her is a recipe for a lasting marriage (assuming you still want that, after you’ve seen this side of her). So keep in mind that what’s also true is that she’s feeling destabilized, betrayed, and scared on top of still mourning the loss of her mom. She knows that her dad is having another kid whether she likes it or not. She knows that he’s excited. She really didn’t need you to tell her these things. The strategic thing to do as a spouse (the person who’s supposed to be in her corner) would be to resist focusing on what she’s doing wrong (again, it’s admittedly a lot!) and instead look for the pain behind the way she’s lashing out and try to offer your support. There’s no need to endorse her being a mean-spirited busybody, but you could have said something like, “I know this isn’t what you imagined for your family, and it probably hurts even more because we all wish your mom were still alive. I know it feels like everything has been turned upside down and maybe even like you’re losing your dad. I don’t want you to do or say anything you regret or have an interaction that might permanently damage the relationship, because I know you really love him. Why don’t you take a break from discussing this with him and just share everything you’re feeling with me instead? Even though we can’t change what he does, I’m still here for you no matter what, and we will get through this.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, For most people, calls from telemarketers are a nuisance, but my roommate “Oscar” eagerly looks forward to them. Why? Because whenever one calls, he launches into a barrage of all the profane things he wants to do to them and even jerks off while he does it (I unfortunately learned this fact when I walked in on him during a call). Ordinarily, I’m the last person who would stick up for these people, but at the end of the day, I understand they’re just trying to earn a living, and I don’t think they deserve to be subjected to this. Would it be appropriate for me to say something, or is it none of my business? —Don’t Act Like It’s a 900 Number Dear Don’t Act Like It’s a 900 Number, I’m less worried about the telemarketers, who can hang up, than I am about you, the person who is living with this absolute creep. What you’ve described has nothing to do with a debate about whether the people on the other end of the line are annoying and whether it’s OK to be dismissive or rude to them. It’s inappropriate, antisocial, abusive behavior that makes me wonder what else Oscar is capable of and would have me running to the leasing office to see what it would take to arrange for a subletter to take my place so I could get out of there. Your instinct to speak up is correct. The only problem is, I don’t think this is the kind of behavior a comment from a roommate is likely to remedy. We’re not talking about addressing something he might not be aware of (“FYI, you’re leaving a lot of hair behind in the bathtub. Could you remember to wipe it up?) or even confronting him about inappropriate behavior that he might somehow be clueless enough to think is acceptable (“My female friends really don’t like it when you ask about their bra sizes when they come over. Could you stop that?”). He is talking about all the profane things he wants to do to telemarketers specifically because he wants to upset them, and he gets a thrill from being gross. Can you imagine that he would respond, “Oh wow, you’re right, I never thought about how that would land,” if you told him you thought his perverted pastime was wrong? I seriously doubt it. That said, there’s nothing wrong with stating your objection. And if you can shame and embarrass him a little, even better: How about something like, “What the Hell, Oscar? I don’t want to hear that, and neither do the telemarketers calling you. Can you seriously not get a consenting person in real life to show interest in your sexual fantasies? That’s sad. Keep your creepy shit far away from me.” Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I’m a doctor, and when people find out, they think it’s perfectly acceptable to describe their latest symptoms and ask for a diagnosis. What’s a decorous way of getting them to understand I’m not on the job? —The Doc is Off the Clock Dear the Doc Is Off the Clock, Every time I read a letter like this, I’m reminded of a friend of mine who agreed to go on a date with a guy who worked at her local Trader Joe’s and had been heavily pursuing her whenever she shopped there. Making small talk over drinks, she mentioned one of the store’s fun seasonal desserts, and he said, dead serious, “I don’t want to talk about work.” I suppose you could do the same! If you want a gentler approach, here are a few more options: “I’ve had a glass of wine, and I wouldn’t dare drink and diagnose.” “I would love to help, but it’s actually really frowned upon for doctors to diagnose people who aren’t their patients. Most people don’t follow this, but I’m such a big rule follower, so I do.” “I’ve been really working on improving my work-life balance, so I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about any medical conditions outside of the office. I’m very serious about it; I barely even say ‘bless you’ if someone sneezes.” “That sounds rough. But I would hate to take your doctor’s job from them! Don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.” Classic Prudie My aunt is a doctor. I recently learned that before we were together, my fiancé incessantly messaged her office and wrote negative reviews, all because it didn’t support a therapy that very few doctors support—although apparently specialists to whom my aunt has referred people for other issues do support the therapy in question, which seems to be why my fiancé thought he could get things changed. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence Family Parenting