My Father-in-Law Gave Our Son the Most Inappropriate “Gift.” I Know What We Have to Do.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My father-in-law. “George,” recently allowed my 12-year-old son, “Jeff,” to do something that has sent me through the roof. George retired last month, and one of his friends gave him a box of expensive cigars as a gift. When we were over for the weekend, I discovered Jeff far off on my in-laws’ lot smoking one of them! I initially thought he had stolen it, but then he told me his grandfather had given it to him. My father-in-law tried to minimize it when I confronted him and said it was a “one-time thing.” I made my family leave immediately. Now I don’t want to bring my kids over to my in-laws’ house anymore, and I want to impose a six-month timeout for visits with them at our home. My husband thinks I’m being overly punitive. Considering that his dad gave our 12-year-old A FUCKING CIGAR, my reaction is appropriate, isn’t it? —Smoking Scandal Dear Scandal, I think your feelings are appropriate and justified, but I do agree with your husband here and think your six-month timeout is harmful. Like, I’m still fuzzy on the details. Did your father-in0law sneakily give your 12-year-old a cigar as a lark, without fully considering the consequences or that Jeff would ever know how to light the thing up? Cloddish and naive, but I don’t think anyone would call CPS. But I also want you to consider that maybe your father-in0law meant this as a sincere gesture of love, albeit a somewhat deranged one, but sometimes men like George from older generations struggle with their feelings and oftentimes do dumb shit to overcompensate. Maybe the cigar is his way of hugging. Am I stretching this? Completely. You’re not required to offer that much grace—feel your anger, acknowledge it, but don’t impose this six-month ban. It’ll hurt your family more than it’ll help. But do give Jeff a stern talking-to about the dangers of nicotine and its insidious addictive nature. Forbid your father-in-law from giving your son cigars and from smoking them in front of him. Also suggest he apologize to Jeff for putting him in this situation and have him explain the dangers of smoking, especially at his age. Let’s treat this as a one-time blip and let everyone move on without causing any more damage. —A.J. More Parenting Advice From Slate My 25-year-old daughter, “Jenny,” needs surgery in a few weeks. It’ll be a quick procedure with a one-night hospital stay to ensure her pain is controlled and that she can walk before she is released. Her fiancé, “Kurt” (also 25), has been very attentive to her in the weeks leading up to surgery. Kurt works full-time from home and has been able to take time off to drive her to pre-op appointments, cook dinner for them, etc. As Jenny is my only child and has never had surgery before, I’m extremely concerned about the upcoming procedure. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids