My Family Is Trying to Push My Grandma Out of Her House. Their Ulterior Motives Are Plain as Day.

Care and Feeding I know exactly what they’re after. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Andrii Bicher/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I currently have two issues. The first is that most of my family is trying to pressure my grandmother into selling her fully paid-off house—so they can claim an inheritance once she dies—instead of helping her live in said house. (She’s in her 90s. She’s got maybe a year or two left.) Second: My own mother actually hates me, to the point of telling me, “I wouldn’t be sad if you died tomorrow.” She has repeatedly tried to convince my fiancé to break off our engagement. And she has repeatedly cut me down verbally in front of other family members, friends, and strangers. She thinks that because I don’t make a lot of money, I’m worthless. She cares more about her social status than about her children, and money means more to her than anything else. As a transgender individual in a “pious” Catholic family (they pretend they are, anyway), I’m already on the outside. So how do I get my family to care more about my actual grandmother than about the money her things could be worth? And how do I get my mother to lay off me? (And if neither of these is possible, are there any chemicals you could suggest that they all could be dissolved in, quickly, with minimal cleanup?) —End of My Rope Dear Rope, Since I am neither a chemist nor a willing accessory to a crime, I’ll do my best to provide answers to both of your questions. First: I’m not sure why you are so certain your 90-year-old grandmother has only “a year or two left” (unless she is already quite ill, and you haven’t mentioned that? In which case: She should not be living alone in her house!). Then again, I come from family—on both sides—in which the women live a very long time (Great-great-great-Grandma Ruchel, 113; Great-Aunt Betty, 105; Grandma Yetta, 97—and my own mother is 93 and in excellent physical health), so maybe I’m way off base. But I wouldn’t write her off just yet. In any case, you can’t get your family to stop badgering her about selling her house, but you can stand strongly on her side—if indeed her side is an unwillingness to sell said house, and that unwillingness is aligned with reality—and help her fend off their self-interested entreaties. (Are you absolutely sure about their motives? Is it possible for Grandma to continue to live in her house, or does she need more care and help than can be provided?) If she wants to stay in her house, and the family can’t or won’t give or get her the support she needs to be able to do that, can you? That is, are you in a position to move in with her for as long as she is able to live at home? Could you and your fiancé provide the help she needs? Can you or someone in the family hire someone to care for her at home? If you can’t, and no one else can, the best course is not to go to war with the family but to come up with a solution that works for your grandmother. Ask her what she’d prefer. If living alone in that house isn’t safe for her, perhaps the best solution would be for her to sell the house and use the proceeds to pay for her care: a move into assisted living, or—if she wants to live in a place she considers her own home—a move into an apartment, with the rent and an aide paid for with the proceeds of the sale. You can help her with all of this, if help is not on offer from anyone else. When it comes to question two—your mom—she sounds awful, yes. I am so sorry. But since you can’t control her (terrible) behavior and get her to lay off, your only option is to take control of yours. You can tell her you won’t stand for being treated this way, and that if she continues to demean, undermine, and bully you, she won’t be a part of your life anymore. (As regular readers know, I am not a cheerleader for family estrangement. But sometimes there really is nothing else to be done. I fear your mother’s cruel and abusive behavior may meet that standard.) It sounds to me like both you and your grandmother are in sore need of concern, support, and love. Thank goodness you have each other. I hope she lives for at least as long as my grandmother did, for both your sakes. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, A few months ago—about a year and a half ahead of her daughter’s wedding—my sister sent out a text to me, our two other siblings, and her daughter’s four cousins, stating the date and place of the wedding and asking us all to let her know then if we knew we couldn’t attend, because spots were limited. I understand the angst involved in trying to plan weddings, and how hard it is to plan without knowing how many people to plan for, but I’m not sure whether my niece knows that her mom sent out this text, and I can’t tell whether they want us all to be there or not (or whether they are on different pages about it). Since I was confused and I wasn’t a definite “no,” I didn’t respond except to say congratulations. But I wonder whether my sister and/or niece feel obligated to invite us but would rather invite others in our place. I’m flummoxed about what to do, assuming I do get an invitation. Advice? —RSVP Dear RSVP, My advice is not to overthink this. If you get an invitation (as I am hopeful that you will, since the sending of such a text—a bit of a solecism in itself, by my lights—if not followed by an invitation, absent your early declination, would be a gross faux pas), and you want to attend your niece’s wedding—assuming that you’re still free on that day—then RSVP yes. And go thee with bells on. It is not your duty to figure out whether you are truly wanted or not, by either the bride or her mother. If one is invited to a party, it behooves one to assume the invitation is sincere. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, In the past five years, my son, who turned 16 last month, has lost his dad and all four grandparents. He was 11 when his dad passed—a sudden and shocking loss. Shortly after that, we went to visit my parents, whom my son adored, and on the second day of that visit, my dad unexpectedly experienced a heart attack and died. The most recent loss, last month, was of my mom, who was one of the most important people in my son’s life. He never speaks of any of the people he’s lost. If his sister or I mention his father or any of his grandparents, he becomes visibly uncomfortable. He doesn’t ask us not to talk about them or in any other way draw attention to his discomfort with the conversation, but I can see it. When his dad died, I found him a counselor. After several months, she told me that he just wasn’t able to open up to her and to give him time. So I did. We tried again about a year later—same result. We tried again with a different counselor—same result. He doesn’t want counseling, he says, and he’s asked me not to try again, so I haven’t. He has never talked to his sister or me about any of these losses or how he feels about them. We’re alone, the three of us, with no other family within 1,000 miles. My son has friends, but no one he could talk to about grief, I’m sure. I don’t know whether I should be respecting his desire for silence, or pushing him to talk. He insists he’s fine. What should I do? —He Says He’s Fine Dear He Says, I am so sorry for your losses, and for your son’s. Everyone experiences grief. No one experiences it the “wrong way.” I consulted a therapist I trust about your letter, who emphasized this and added that it’s pointless to try to make someone process their grief before they’re ready to, or in a way that doesn’t work for them. Setting your son up with counselors was absolutely the right thing to do: You gave him a framework for healing, which he likely wouldn’t have been able to do for himself, even if that particular framework didn’t turn out to suit his needs at that time. It’s possible that none of those counselors was the right fit for your son, or that the style of counseling they practiced wasn’t the right style for your son—or that none of them were very good counselors (so many aren’t). You’re doing the right thing, not forcing him to try yet another counselor if he doesn’t want to, but you should continue offering, because at any point he may decide it’s worth trying again. Perhaps more importantly—and, I note, this advice comes directly from a practicing therapist—therapy is only one way to process grief. Does your son participate in any kind of group physical activity (for example, a sports team)? Does he have any kind of spiritual or religious practice? Does he journal, draw, or play the guitar? Physical activity, spirituality, and artistic self-expression are all very good ways of feeling and working through grief. It’s worth suggesting that he put extra time and effort into any of these things, if they appeal to him. It’s also worth looking into grief support groups in your area or online, which may be peer-led and could be a better fit for him than individual counseling. And here’s a big question for you: How does he ordinarily process difficult things in his life? Does he usually talk to you when he’s having a hard time? If he does, and this one time is different, then that indicates he needs some new method of coping that he hasn’t tried before. However, if it isn’t typical for him to share his emotional experiences with you, then he is only continuing a relational pattern that is familiar to him. That isn’t your fault, by the way. Many teenagers don’t process their feelings with their parents. Boys and men in particular are taught by society not to process their feelings openly with anyone. Of course, it’s possible that he knows he isn’t fine, and does want to talk about his grief, but has (or is looking for) a different conversation partner for these kinds of topics. You mention that he wouldn’t be able to talk to his friends about his grief, but it’s possible that he would, and that he already is. Lastly, you have experienced massive and world-shattering grief, too. All the suggestions for your son (trying different kinds/styles of counseling, grief groups, physical activity, art, spirituality) apply to you, too. Just because you’re older doesn’t mean your processing, healing, and support are any less important than his. I sincerely hope you’re able to dedicate as much care and consideration to yourself as you are for your child. Both of you deserve it. —Michelle Classic Prudie My oldest child, “Julie,” is in fourth grade. She attends the local public school that is K-8 and generally has a great reputation: high test scores, small classes, experienced teachers, involved parents. Starting in fourth grade, there’s a “gifted” track kids can test into. Julie’s entire group of friends tested in and now attends all their classes together. Julie qualified, but my husband and I don’t believe in tracking or separating kids. We did not allow her to move into the gifted track… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting