My ex-wife and I are finally friends after I ruined our marriage years ago – am I crazy to think I can win her back?

DEAR DEIDRE: I RUINED my 20-year marriage with a business trip fling and now I desperately want my ex-wife back. She seems to have forgiven me and we’ve become good friends. Should I tell her how I feel or would I ruin everything? I’m 58 and my ex-wife is 57. A decade ago, I went on a business trip abroad. I was having a mid-life crisis and stupidly slept with another woman. Sign up for the Dear Deidre newsletter Thank you! It was just a fling and ended quickly, but my wife inevitably found out and couldn’t cope with the betrayal. Our marriage collapsed. We went through a horrible divorce and didn’t speak or see each other — except when handing over our kids — for years. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. Last summer, our daughter, now 25, suggested we should at least talk to each other. She invited us both for Christmas and after dinner, my ex-wife and I sat down and chatted alone. I apologised again for hurting her, and admitted I’d made a massive mistake, one which I regretted deeply. She said it was all water under the bridge. Since then, we’ve been talking regularly and I’ve even been helping her with DIY in her place. We’ve been laughing together too. In fact, we’ve become such good friends that she’s agreed to come away with me for a week. The problem is, I don’t want to be just friends. I still love her and would like another chance, but I’m terrified saying so could destroy the fragile relationship we’ve rebuilt. I’ve even wondered about asking if she’d agree to live with me, in separate bedrooms, while trying to repair things. Am I crazy even to think about suggesting this? Or should I keep quiet and accept that I blew my chance with her years ago — and that friendship is all I can hope for? DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not crazy to hope for another chance. But don’t jump straight into asking her to move in together. That would put enormous pressure on both of you and damage your friendship. Why not use your week away to see how things go. Enjoy her company and let things develop naturally. If it feels right, tell her afterwards how you feel about her. Be clear you’re not asking her to forget the past, but would love a fresh start. Respect whatever answer she gives and tell her you value her friendship too. Remember, after ten years apart – and 30 years after you met – you’re both different people. WORRIED MY NEIGHBOUR HAS SEEN ME CROSS-DRESS DEAR DEIDRE: I’M terrified my neighbour has discovered my shameful sex secret. For most of my adult life I’ve been a cross-dresser. I love wearing bras, stockings, frilly knickers and high heels. I’m a 48-year-old man and live alone. Lately, I’ve felt compelled to dress up more frequently and I’ve also been fantasising about being used sexually by men. It’s taking over my life. But what worries me is my neighbour, a guy around my age. A few weeks ago I noticed him looking at me strangely. I feel as though he knows. I wonder if he has seen me through a window or noticed deliveries of women’s clothes. I’ve become paranoid that he’s talking about me to our other neighbours. I can’t sleep at night worrying about all this. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: Your neighbour may not know anything. It sounds like you feel ashamed, so have convinced yourself he knows because of a look. But there’s nothing wrong with cross-dressing. Keep your curtains closed and just be normal and polite with him. Your fantasies are also normal, as long as you don’t put yourself in danger by having sex with strange men. What’s more concerning is the fact this compulsion is taking over your life. Talking to someone who understands would help. Contact switchboard.lgbt (0800 0119 100) for a confidential chat. Also, read my help packs, Cross-dressing Support, and Sexual Fantasies And You. WIDOWED GRAN HAS GOT REEL PROBLEM DEAR DEIDRE: PEOPLE usually worry about teenagers and social media, but it’s my gran I’m concerned about. She’s become addicted to watching videos and I believe it’s affecting her badly. I’m her 23-year-old grandson. She’s 72 and a widow. She spends several hours every day watching random reels on YouTube, TikTok and Instagram. She also watches them late into the night. The videos themselves are harmless but she can’t stop scrolling. She complains of feeling tired every day, finds it hard to concentrate and has even stopped doing her crosswords or watching TV. She rarely goes out or talks to anyone. I think she’s lonely and bored, maybe depressed. I’ve told her I’m worried but she’s totally in denial. Please help. DEIDRE SAYS: Your gran is lucky to have such a caring grandson. I think you’re right that she’s lonely and bored. Rather than telling her you’re worried she’s addicted, focus on her lack of sleep and encourage her to go to her GP for help. Encourage her to go out and meet people. You could help her find clubs to join. You could also take her out for the day – and make sure she leaves her screens at home. If she won’t listen, contact her GP. There’s some helpful information in my support pack, Feeling Lonely, too. SEX SNUB FEELS SO HUMILIATING DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 18 months together, my boyfriend has gone off sex. He says he’s always tired and never makes the first move. It’s starting to destroy my confidence. I’m 26 and he’s 32. We used to have lots of fun between the sheets. Now, whatever I do, he makes excuses. Last Saturday night, I made an effort to look nice for him, doing my hair and make-up and putting on a short dress. We had a couple of glasses of wine and, when we got home, I hoped he’d make a move. Instead, he kissed me goodnight and went straight to sleep. I felt humiliated and rejected. Weirdly, I never thought I had a high sex drive. With my ex-partner, we could go weeks without it. But I wasn’t in love with him. I adore my current partner and find myself wanting sex almost daily. I’ve tried buying lingerie, sex toys and even suggested watching porn together but nothing works. Now I’m worried I’m pressurising him. I’ve started getting undressed in the bathroom because I feel unattractive and self-conscious. I’d never cheat but I’m scared we’re sexually incompatible and our relationship is doomed. What should I do? DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t assume his lack of interest in sex means he no longer finds you attractive. His tiredness and loss of libido could have many causes, including stress. Rather than trying increasingly elaborate ways to tempt him, you need to talk. Have a calm conversation outside the bedroom. Tell him the rejection is hurting your confidence but make it clear you want to understand what’s happening rather than pressure him. Ask if anything is worrying him. If his low libido persists, encourage him to speak to his GP. My support packs, Different Sex Drives and Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive, can help. Comment now