My Ex Is Convinced That We Are Living in a “New World.” I Don’t Like What He’s Telling Our Daughter.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Khosrork/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My ex-husband is a bit of an “outside the box” thinker. At least, that’s how I describe him to our daughter. I tell my friends that he’s a conspiracy theorist who thinks society is on the brink of collapse. We split when our child was 1, and I’ve always had primary custody, but she sees him all the time. He’s fun and funny, and my daughter loves her dad. (I love him too, but like an annoying brother.) I’ve asked him not to talk about some of his more fringe beliefs with our daughter, and he’s respected that, but now that she’s in high school and we’re starting to talk about what she might want to do for college, he’s become pretty adamant that going to college is a waste of money and a requirement of the “old world.” He thinks that A.I. has changed everything, universities are cooked, and our daughter should get a job out of high school instead and maybe take some classes at community college if she wants to. It infuriates me—our daughter is a good student and I want her to go to college! I understand that things are scary out there, but we have the society we have, and I think it still makes sense to play by those rules. My ex thinks everything is crumbling and we should all save our money and prepare our daughter for the “new world.” I can tell that our daughter is starting to think he might be right. I can’t change his opinion, I know that. But I don’t know how to talk to her about her future because I don’t really have any great answers except “this is the way we do things.” What can I say that will make my daughter excited about college and the future? (Her dad and I met in college, by the way. And he has a Master’s degree, but he never tried to find work in his field and works as a bartender.) —No Crystal Ball Dear No Crystal Ball, I don’t know what your daughter wants to do with her life—she may not know yet, and she doesn’t have to!—but it could well be something that requires a degree or two. It will almost definitely be something that requires her to keep learning and questioning and growing long after high school. That means there’s a practical argument to be made that a college degree, while no guarantee of employment or stability, is a baseline expectation for many jobs, and something you often need in order to pursue more specialized professional education. It also points to what could be one of your first questions for your daughter: What is she actually interested in? Specifically, is there anything she has really enjoyed learning about that she wants a chance to study more in-depth? Even in a changing world, the things she likes and wants to learn more about still matter, and so does finding new passions and continuing to grow and develop as a person. College is often an opportunity to live away from home and get a taste of limited independence, while still having a fair amount of support and imposed structure. It’s not the only way to do this, and it’s true that it’s not for everyone. But it’s worth reminding your daughter that if she goes, it can be a time when she gets to make a lot of choices and really focus on herself—not only what she wants to learn about, but also what really matters to her and what kind of person she wants to become. I have a tendency to yap more than I should as the parent of teens, but when I’m on my game I try to remember that telling them what I think (and particularly what I think they should do) is usually the least effective way of communicating with them. Maybe this is one advantage you have over your ex: It sounds like he’s a bit high on his own supply, always telling your daughter what he thinks she should do. Honestly, nothing makes a teenager check out faster. I think you will get farther if you lead with respect for her, focusing on her ability to think and make the decisions she thinks are best for her. Ask questions; be genuinely curious about what she says; encourage her to be open with you and think as big as she wants to. What does she think she would enjoy most about college, if she went? What does she think would be important or just fun to pursue over the next few years? No one can promise her gainful employment or an easy future, it’s true. But while your ex goes on about everything “crumbling,” you can point out that her future remains full of possibility; that what she wants and chooses for herself, out of all those possibilities, is and will always be important; and that it is better to make those choices out of curiosity and hope than fear or resignation. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My son is in kindergarten this year and I think it’s going pretty well. I say “think” because all I have to go on is that he seems happy enough to be dropped off. I’ve met his teacher several times and during the first week at pickup, she would give me maybe a detail about his day. Then he started taking the bus, so now I don’t get that. I thought at first I’d get more information after a few weeks, but that’s not happening. Is this normal? How much should his teacher be communicating with us? My friend’s kid is in a private kindergarten and she gets pictures every day and a weekly email about everything they learned. I know the resourcing is different, and I expected that, but getting nothing is painful. —I Want More Than Crickets Dear I Want More Than Crickets, Public school teachers are doing the most. You want your son’s teacher to be focused on helping her students learn, not taking photos all day. I don’t think you can or should expect a daily note from her, but if you ever have pressing questions or concerns, you can always reach out to her. You’re only a few weeks into the school year, so try to be patient; everyone is still settling in and learning about one another. Many teachers do send out regular classwide newsletters to share what the kids have been learning; that may be something the teacher is planning to start at some point, and it’s fine to ask about it. You’ll get progress reports and parent-teacher conferences and report cards. If you ever want to know how a particular subject or something else is going for your child in the meantime, it’s in your power to check in. The school should also be in touch with you if anyone there has specific concerns. Remember, the person most qualified to tell you how he feels about school is your son. What does he say about his school day? He may find specific questions easier to answer than broad ones. “How was school?” might not get you much, so you could try “Tell me something fun you did today,” or “Did you need help with anything?” or “Who are some of your new friends?” etc. You’ll probably have to keep it pretty brief, since he is young and (in my experience) there is actually no age at which kids want to talk to you for 30 minutes about what they did that day, but it’s still good to establish a pattern of checking in so he knows you both want and expect to hear about how school is going. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate My husband and I are expecting our first child, and the day cares we’re considering have long waitlists. We’d have an advantage if we joined the church one of them is part of, but we are atheists. To further complicate things, my husband’s parents would like us to baptize our child in their church, which is different from the day care church. We don’t know which, if either, is the right thing to do. What do you think? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids