My Ex-Husband Is Incapable of Feeling a Basic Human Emotion. I Still Think We Could Make It Work.

Dear Prudence Maybe I’m just fooling myself. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 05, 20266:00 AM Photo illustrataion by Slate. Photo by AaronAmat/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My ex-husband and I have been on and off again for 14 years. I was always the one to break up with him, not vice versa. In the past, he has done some pretty bad things, including using me, stealing from me, and generally being an asshole. We reconnected 18 months ago. Then six months ago, we both started taking psychiatric medications that changed our lives. He is unable to feel empathy. But otherwise, he is a loving and giving partner. I know that sounds contradictory, but it’s the truth. My question is this: Is it possible to have a successful relationship with somebody who cannot feel empathy, but who tries and listens and basically waits on me hand and foot? While I’m not going to marry him again, I don’t want to be fooling myself into believing we have something real if that’s not possible. —Sociopath Lover Dear Sociopath Lover, I wouldn’t say it’s impossible to have a successful relationship with someone who can’t feel empathy. But who cares if it’s generally possible or not? The question you should be asking is: Is it possible for me to have the relationship I want with my ex husband/current partner given the way he treats me and the way the relationship makes me feel? Or even better, forget the “possible” part and ask: Do I feel like the current relationship I have with my ex husband/current partner, given the way he treats me and the way the relationship makes me feel, is something I want? Is this what I want forever? Obviously, you’re the best judge of this. But I can understand why all you two have been through together, the big shift you’ve seen in his behavior since he started taking medication, the fact that you’re also feeling different thanks to your drugs, and the gap between what he does for you and how he describes his feelings could make things really complicated and confusing. So I’ll try to piece together some clues to give you an answer. You say your husband waits on you hand and foot, which I guess is nice if he likes doing that and the relationship as a whole feels equal to both of you. But I didn’t read anything about how he responds to your emotional needs, how safe and happy you feel, or how much you’re enjoying your time with him. I also took note when you said you’d never marry him again. That’s not a red flag necessarily (because that connotes danger), but it is one of those big wiggly balloon people they put outside car dealerships and furniture stores when they have blowout sales. It’s a feeling that says, “Pay attention to me!” It’s a really important indication of your level of trust and your assessment of the kind of person your husband is now. Finally, there’s the simple fact that you wrote the letter. If you were thriving in this new iteration of your partnership and feeling great, I don’t think you would have taken the time to write in. There’s a difference between “He’s behaving much much better than he ever did before” and “He’s a guy who has the qualities I want and who is a great addition to my life.” It sounds to me like, as a result of his long stint of asshole behavior, you have lowered expectations for your former spouse. Putting his diagnosis and private feelings aside, I’d say he’s better than before but still not the man for you. Classic Prudie My boyfriend was in a wedding recently for his good friend as a groomsman. When we first got the invite (we live together and have for 3 years) we discovered I wasn’t invited and he did not have a plus one. We’ve met this couple before and they knew we had been dating for close to four years by that point… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence