My Ex-Husband Horribly Betrayed Me. But I’m Not Sure My Daughter’s Reaction Is Good for Her.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Khosrork/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My marriage to my now-ex, “John,” ended nearly a year ago when I discovered he was having an affair with a co-worker. John married his affair partner, and our 13-year-old daughter, “Emma,” has wanted nothing to do with him since. The family court judge has been amenable to her wish not to have to spend time with her father, and I haven’t forced the issue. My question is whether I should try to convince her to renew her relationship with John (especially considering that the holidays are coming up), or is it best to leave things as they are? —You Only Get One Dad Dear Only, First, let me say how much I admire you for wanting to encourage Emma to have a relationship with her dad, given the circumstances. Plenty of people wouldn’t be able to rise above their own hurt, anger (etc.) to recognize that there very well may be something worth salvaging for their child’s sake. But to “try to convince” her is a bad idea. While you don’t mention it, serving as an intermediary between her and her dad would also be a bad idea. This potential future, or resumed, relationship is between the two of them. Aside from not interfering in any efforts either one of them may make toward reconnecting, you have no role in their relationship. That is not to say that you have no role here. Open up a channel of communication with her about her feelings about her father. I’m sure she has a lot of feelings about him, and I bet they’re way more complicated than “He cheated on Mom, he’s a bad guy, I hate him, and I don’t ever want to see him again.” Instead of a campaign to get her to start spending time with him, try gently encouraging her to talk about how she feels about him—and this whole situation (which is a particularly brutal one for a 13-year-old), letting her know that you feel her pain, that you both empathize and sympathize with everything she feels. I imagine those feelings might range from “I hate him” to, possibly, “I love him because he’s my dad, but I’m still so mad at him, I don’t even want to look at him,” and maybe even to, “I kind of want to see him, but I don’t want to upset you—I need you to know I’m on your side.” If she won’t talk to you about any of this, which is a strong possibility at 13, try saying outright, “I sometimes wonder if you miss Dad, because even though you’re mad at him—and I completely get that, because you have good reason to be—he’s still your dad, and you loved him for a long time. Do you miss him? I think I would, if I were you.” Let her know she doesn’t have to pick a side—that both her parents love her and you’re happy to share her love, and you won’t be hurt or angry if she decides to spend some time with him. Then let it be. Let her think it all over. Don’t rush things just because the holidays are upon us. There will be plenty of holidays in the future. Give her a chance to process, make it clear that she can safely talk it through with you, and stand back. She may never forgive him. (That will likely have as much to do with what their relationship was like before last year as it does with anything that’s happened since.) But she may—it’s impossible to tell at this point. Give her permission to, be there when she’s ready to talk about it, and be supportive of whatever she ends up doing—whether she eventually lets him back in her life, in small ways or big ones, or she writes him off for good. Your mantra: This is her thing to figure out, not mine. —Michelle More Advice From Slate My wife and I have a 9-year-old son, and I work from 7-3, so I pick him up after school. There is a 45-minute lag between when he gets out of school and when I can get there, so he goes to an afterschool program at a local community center. It is a good program, and a lot of his friends go to it. The people who work there help the kids with their homework, organize activities, feed them a snack, and also leave them a lot of free play time, participating in activities of their choosing. My son loves going there… Advice Family Kids Parenting