My ex and I spent £10,000 on a custody battle – over our Labrador

Divorce, once rare and stigmatised, has become mainstream – 42 per cent of marriages now end this way, meaning nearly half of us who get married can expect to experience it in our lifetime. Just as every marriage is different, so is every divorce. In this column, divorcees reflect on their life-changing experience. Helped by the benefit of hindsight, they share advice and reflections. 46-year-old Sophie* spent 20 years married to her husband Rob*. But problems arose when they struggled with fertility. Interview by Lucy CavendishI fell in love with Pumpkin, my golden Labrador, the moment I met him. He was an eight-week-old bundle of joy. I will never forget how happy I was when Rob – my then-husband – and I drove to the breeder and brought him home. We had a little crate for him, and a bed with lots of toys. The first night he was at home, he was crying non-stop. I remember sitting with him in the kitchen. I couldn’t help but take him out of his crate and cuddle him. He looked at me with his beautiful, brown chocolate eyes. I knew then that I loved him. Pumpkin became my fur baby. He was everything I wanted and everything I needed. Shorts Rob and I had spent so long trying to have children. It had been gruelling and depressing. But as I held little Pumpkin on my lap and cuddled him and smelled his beautiful puppy breath, I just fell in love. If you had told me back then that this little puppy would end up as the subject of a painful custody battle, I wouldn’t have believed you. I was married to Rob for just under 20 years. We met when we were 22 at a work party. Both of us were working for a legal firm. We clicked immediately. We both had a very similar sense of humour, and he really made me laugh. We got married, and everyone was delighted. I would say we had a very happy marriage. We had a wonderful first 10 years. We bought a house in London and everything was great. Rob was building his career and I was supporting him. I was also working but not as hard as him. I was having a lovely time doing up the house, cooking and buying beautiful food. I thought we were blessed. But then we started trying for a baby. I had been on the contraceptive pill but I came off and I just assumed I’d get pregnant very quickly. However, I didn’t. For the first year, it wasn’t really a concern. I was 35 years old at this point. It hadn’t occurred to me that my eggs might have been deteriorating but after a few years of trying, we went to have all the tests, and it turned out I had very few eggs left. It was a devastating blow. The doctor told us my chance of pregnancy was very low. I think we were both in shock. We had assumed that we would have a big family with at least two children. I was full of sadness and regret and guilt and shame. I believed it was my fault. It was my eggs that were stopping us from having a baby. Rob was totally fertile. It was such a difficult time. We did lots of talking but I think the schism in our marriage started then. I retreated into myself. I found it very hard talk to him. Rob started working harder and longer hours. We then spent the next few years looking at adopting, fostering; all the options. We went through two rounds of IVF, which was very expensive and also absolutely gruelling. By this time, I was over 40 years old and I knew it just wasn’t going to happen. I got very depressed. I just couldn’t get away from the feeling that I was a failure. Rob and I did talk but we were definitely drifting apart. I know he tried his best to find ways to help me but we just couldn’t connect. Then, one day, Rob suggested that maybe we should think about getting a dog, and I immediately felt my mood lift. We did a tremendous amount of research and we ended up deciding we wanted to get a golden labrador. We found responsible breeders and then one day we met tiny little Pumpkin. I knew immediately he was the puppy for us. He was so calm, even when he was little. He very quickly became completely central to our lives. Everything we did revolved around Pumpkin. We took him on holiday. He slept on our bed. I walked him every day. He really became the focus of my life. I loved the way that he loved me unconditionally. I love the way he smelled. I researched what he should eat. I gave him lots of food supplements. He was having a brilliant life. It wasn’t that I got to replace my longing for a baby with this dog; it also gave me a social life. I started meeting other people with dogs. I joined a dog-walking group. My life took off. Meanwhile, Rob and I grew more and more estranged. Nothing radical happened. No one had an affair; we just grew apart. One day we sat down and had a long talk. We agreed that we no longer had anything very much in common and that we wanted to let each other go so that we could explore different options in our lives. It was very sad. But it was also honest and kind. Back then, whatever I felt about Rob, I always thought he was a good person. We were friends. Over the period of the next year we started the gradual process of uncoupling. It wasn’t very complicated. Rob was very fair. Despite the fact that he’d earned all the money, he said he was happy to split the house 50:50 and to give me a settlement. At the time, I honestly thought we were having the best break-up ever. But then the issue of who was going to have Pumpkin arose. I had just assumed that Pumpkin would stay with me. After all, I had looked after him. But then one day Rob casually asked how we were going to split looking after Pumpkin. I was so shocked. It felt as if the rug was pulled out from under my feet. All I could think was I was losing the most important “person” in my life. I couldn’t bear the idea of not being with Pumpkin full-time. Our amicable arrangement broke down very soon after that. Rob moved out. He then hired a lawyer and the next thing I knew I had a letter from the solicitor demanding 50:50 custody of Pumpkin. Apparently, this lawyer specialised in “pet custody” which I didn’t even know was a thing at the time. I then got myself my own lawyer who specialised in pet custody. Letters went back and forth, arguments were made, thousands of pounds were spent. It cost around £10,000 between us in the end. All of our focus and possibly all of our years of pain about not having a baby got placed onto Pumpkin. In the end, we went to court. The lawyers made their arguments and it concluded with the judge ruling that we had to share Pumpkin. That was a year ago. I now spend half my week with Pumpkin. For the other half, I drive this fully grown dog to the car park of a McDonald’s to hand over this animal that I love more than life itself to the person who is now my ex-husband. It is unbelievably painful. I miss Pumpkin so much. But I often ask myself what I have learned from this? When I see couples that get a pet together, I want to say to them: talk about what might happen if you split up. I often wonder if we’d had that conversation if we could have been a little bit kinder to each other. *Names have been changed