My Divorce Was Finally Finalized and I Bought My Own Place. And Then the Phone Calls Started.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by hikesterson/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife and I split up last year, and the divorce was final earlier this year. We didn’t split for a specific reason; we had grown apart and had “irreconcilable differences.” We have 50/50 custody of our three kids. I wanted to sell our house and split the money, she wanted to keep it, so she bought me out. My opinion is that this didn’t make financial sense for her; I have no idea how she can make the payments for the refinanced loan on her own. But one of the reasons for our divorce is we didn’t agree with each others money decisions, so whatever. I took my share and made a down payment on smaller (and more affordable) house in the same school district. And then the phone calls started. Shortly after the divorce was finalized, we had a huge snow storm, and my ex-wife called me and asked when I was coming over to clean out the driveway. I asked, “What do you mean?” She said that she and the kids had to leave the house but the driveway was snowed in, and she needed me to blow out the driveway (I kept the snow blower, she got the riding lawnmower.) She said that because I am the kids’ father, that is an expectation as a benefit to the kids that I would do this. I told her that I would pay a buddy of mine to push out a car-wide path with his snowplow this one time, but that she’s crazy to think I would clean out her whole driveway. Then several times over the summer she called to say that the mower blades need sharpening, the gutters need cleaning, etc. A few times she had the kids tell me. I’ve just been ignoring the requests. Last week, we had a windstorm and a big tree branch fell in her yard. She called and said I need to bring my chainsaw over and cut it up and haul it away. I asked is the tree limb in danger of doing damage to the house or cause someone to get hurt? She said “no,” but it needs to be taken care of. I suggested a local tree service, and she went on again about my obligation as the kids’ father to help her out. The past weekend, I dropped the kids off at my ex-in-laws’s place since they were having a family gathering. My ex-father-in-law came out as I was dropping them off and questioned me as to why I am not helping his daughter out for the benefit of the kids. He said that I should realize that my ex is “in no position to afford things like snow removal and tree services.” I just said, “Her house, her expenses.” He said, “I can see with your attitude why she left you.” Am I missing something here? If it was a true emergency, like her basement was flooding and she couldn’t get the water turned off, I would be there. I have my own maintenance jobs and expenses for my house. Am I also responsible for hers “because of the kids”? —Am I Still Responsible for My Ex-Wife’s House? Dear Still Responsible, No. This is not your responsibility. It’s nice of you to help out, but not obligatory. If she’s having financial trouble maintaining the home you two once shared, that should have been considered during your divorce proceedings as you determined alimony payments (if any). At the same time, you don’t need to be a jerk about it. Saying things like “her house, her expenses” makes you sound petty, vindictive, and flippant about the mother of your children being in a tough financial situation. The two of you clearly had different ideas of what it would mean for her to own the house. She needs to lower her expectations of your willingness to help, and you need to grow up a bit. Ignoring her requests is a bad look. Instead, you need to be clear with her that you fundamentally disagree that it is your obligation to help her maintain a house that you no longer own. You can even tell her that you would be happy to help in an urgent situation or just do her a solid if she asks, but that she shouldn’t expect you to be available for anything just because it will save her money. One more thing: As a child of divorce myself, it was a big comfort when one of my parents was able to keep the house that we grew up in. You may think her buying the house was a dumb financial decision, but you should at least consider that she may have been making a smart emotional decision for the kids. —Greg More Parenting Advice From Slate Could you explain the value teachers see in giving kindergartners’ homework? If I don’t make my child do it, will his teacher think I’m a terrible parent? Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids