My Daughter’s Teacher Has Devised a Ridiculous “Points System.” What She’s Rewarding Isn’t Right.

Care and Feeding You can’t assign something like this. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Deagreez/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter, “Samantha,” started third grade earlier this month, and her teacher has instituted something that I think is unfair. “Miss D(umbass)” has assigned the kids to sit at tables in groups of six, which I have no problem with. What I do have a problem with is that she has assigned each kid a “friend” whom they are required to play with during the morning recess. Doing so results in “friendship points,” which they can trade in for candy or small toys at the end of the month. Even worse is that Miss D has said that if the kids socialize together outside of school, they get triple the points. Samantha has been assigned to be “friends” with “Giselle,” whom she cannot stand. I’ve met this kid and see her point: She is very awkward, and none of my daughter’s friends like her. My husband says Samantha needs to learn how to deal with difficult people because she’s going to encounter them in life anyway, but I don’t think what Miss D is doing is at all appropriate; you can’t force friendship with others. I would speak to her teacher about it, but I’m worried that Miss D will take it out on my daughter if I do (other parents whose kids have been in her class have said she’s very thin-skinned). Would it be best to go straight to the principal and ask that Samantha be transferred to another classroom? —Involuntary Friends Dear Involuntary Friends, Your husband is right that, especially in third grade and at higher levels, your daughter is going to continue to meet other students that she might not want to be friends with but will need to be around in school settings. Transferring her into another classroom doesn’t make much sense to me. What if she ends up in a similar situation there, too? Instead, focus on helping her navigate this one year, building skills that can help her in the future. If she brings up certain instances in which her class “friend” says or does things she doesn’t like, ask her questions about it and help her come up with solutions. “How did that make you feel?” “Do you think that’s a situation to ignore or one that calls for bringing in an adult?” You definitely don’t have to make your daughter hang out with someone she doesn’t want to spend time with outside of school. It sounds like it’s not even a requirement at school. Your daughter might not care about the treats or toys either way (but you can certainly give your daughter the same treats at home if she does). You may be more upset at the fairness (or unfairness) of the task than she is. You mentioned connecting with the parents of kids who’ve been in her class in the past, but what about the parents of other current students? Do they also see this as a problem? If they do, you all could address this with her collectively so it doesn’t fall only on your daughter. Above all, I think you need to seriously reconsider your own approach to this teacher. While it’s totally fair to dislike and want to address the way a teacher is handling something in the classroom, calling someone “Miss D(umbass),” even in secret, shows you don’t have respect for the person who’s with your child for hours and hours on end every week. That’s a problem, especially because this is the only issue you’ve mentioned having with her (and it’s a pretty minor one in the grand scheme of things!). If you don’t reframe how you think about educators, you’re going to have a hard time as your daughter continues to grow and enter other grades, too. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, Kindergarten started two weeks ago, and I’m already getting letters home about my kid. Apparently she’s been telling super tall tales: that her dad is a firefighter (he’s an accountant), that we have a pet monkey (we have a very calm cat), or that she won an award for her handwriting (her writing looks like a typical kindergartener’s writing, and I know she hasn’t won any awards for it). Apparently she’s got a nice gaggle of kids who are hanging on to her every word, and at least one other parent has complained. Any time I ask her about it, she just denies having lied. My husband and I have tried talking about how the best way to make friends is by being honest, and we’ve read books and watched shows about how lying can be problematic, but it doesn’t seem to be getting to her. I know this is a phase that little kids go through, so do we have to wait it out, or is there something else that we can do? —Pants on Fire (she/her) Dear Pants on Fire, It’s a little ridiculous that parents complained about a 5-year-old spinning up some fantasies. Sounds like your school has some busybodies! I wonder if it’s possible to steer her imagination into play or storytelling. She really loves these tall tales and needs an outlet for them. To her, at least at this age, it might not feel like lying, and she might not be connecting what she’s saying to dishonesty. Continue to have conversations about how important it is to be honest with friends, but also find ways for her to safely play more make-believe. She might be able to write some of this down at this age, but if not, encourage her to draw you a story. Take pieces of paper, fold them up, and staple them together into a book, and let her craft her own narratives. She can also use electronics, if you allow that in your home, to use a voice memo feature or video camera for oral storytelling. Maybe, if she has another outlet for her very active imagination, she won’t be so inclined to push these stories onto her friends. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, We finally have a date for our 9-year-old son’s autism assessment (we’ve been on the waiting list for two years here in the United Kingdom due to some indications over the years, especially around his social interactions and making friends. If he is on the spectrum, he’s high functioning (he’s kind, social, friendly, highly intelligent, bright, empathetic, funny, curious), and either way, we would rather know than not. The question is: How do we tell him what this assessment appointment is and why we’re taking him? (If it matters, he’s also about to start at a new school in September, when the school year starts here, as we’re moving him to the private track.) —What to Say Dear What to Say, I love this question because an autism assessment is not a bad thing, and I’m so glad you want him to understand that. Explain to him that the point of this appointment is to get information about what he needs. “This will help us all better understand what you might need at school. And you know, you’re starting a new school soon, so what a great time to make sure we start strong.” Also, be open and honest with him about what autism is and what the assessment could show. “All of our brains work differently. When we know something that our brain might need, we can make accommodations to help us do our very best, and that’s really important when we’re in school and want to learn a lot.” Let him know how assessments have helped other kids like him, too! My son is non-speaking with autism, so this isn’t necessarily a discussion we’ve had with him, but I have a lot of kids in my family and friends circle who have really benefited from having a formal diagnosis, and it’s helped them tremendously in school, even when they were already doing great to begin with. For example, with one of my nieces, we learned that social interactions absolutely exhaust her. So when she has to take tests at the end of the school day, she might perform well, but not as well as she’d naturally do. So now, she takes all of her exams at the start of the day. Good luck! —Arionne More Advice From Slate I am a happily married middle-aged woman with two girls, “Bailey” (16) and “Sera” (14). They are great sisters. They get along fine for their age, and they enjoy playing video games and reading books together. Bailey is extraordinarily patient with Sera’s anti-social nature, and they share everything together. My husband and I made the decision to homeschool them when Bailey was in first grade, and they are both ahead academically. They also have a great relationship with my husband and me, and although our circle is small, we are happy. Advice Family Kids Parenting