My Daughter’s Stepmom Died. The Fallout Is Robbing Her of Her Childhood.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My ex and I never married, but we have a daughter, “Chloe,” who is now 15. When Chloe was young, my ex married “Hannah,” who was a doll and had two kids that my ex adopted. Then Hannah died. Everyone took it hard. Then my ex married “Pam” and they had a baby within two years. Chloe has been struggling with not only her grief, but with the guilt of not doing “enough” for her adopted siblings. Both have behavioral issues, and their father has simply checked out. His new wife is nice enough, but she is out of her depth and can’t discipline the children in any real way without an explosive backlash like a screaming fit. Her solutions is that she pushes it on Chloe. (The extended family doesn’t really exist in any meaningful way.) We live within walking distance, and it feels like Chloe goes over there nearly every day to help with her siblings. She quit track and field even though she loves it because she feels she needs to help out more. She hasn’t gone to see any of her friends more than a handful of times, and she told me a boy she liked asked her out and she turned him down because she was just too busy with family. I finally put my foot down when we were watching a movie one night and her stepmother called Chloe to come over and help her siblings get ready for bed. I took the phone and said no—it was too late and too dark, my daughter wasn’t their unpaid nanny, and they needed to find other help rather than relying on a teenager. Chloe was relieved, but her dad and his wife were very upset. They can’t afford a nanny. My ex tried to guilt Chloe by saying that she was abandoning her family, which led to a huge fight. Now she says she doesn’t want to see him at all. I have tried to help by arranging to take Chloe and her siblings out, but that gets expensive since my ex never offers money to help. Chloe wants to start having her siblings over here, even to spend the night. But I have a small apartment and work from home, and I know my ex would take advantage and try to shift more childcare onto me. The kids would also need to be dropped off and picked up, which would interfere with my work schedule. I feel horrible for these kids, and I grieve for Hannah as well, but I am stressed enough with my own daughter and health issues. I don’t have the bandwidth to take on two depressed and destructive kids. What should I do? —Missing Hannah Dear Missing Hannah, Your daughter sounds like an incredible person. You’ve clearly raised a kind, empathetic, highly capable young woman. But she should not have to take on what sounds like parental-level responsibility at the age of 15, let alone give up so much time with her friends or things that really matter to her. You did the right thing when you put your foot down. It’s important for you to support and affirm Chloe in every decision she makes that is good for her, whether it’s refusing to step in and parent her siblings, rejoining the track team, or spending time with other people she cares about. Sure, many older siblings help watch the younger ones from time to time, and that’s normal. But that’s very different from Chloe’s situation, where she is expected to take charge of everything from discipline to the bedtime routine. Remind her that she isn’t responsible for the choices adults make, or the problems they create. She has to live her own life—no doubt Hannah would want this for her as well!—and she shouldn’t feel guilty for doing so. When it comes to Chloe’s siblings staying over at your place, I think you have every right to hold your boundary and say no. And I would point out that it’s not just for your sake, or the sake of your work; it’s for Chloe, too! Your household can remain the calm, stable, and more predictable one—a place where she actually gets to take care of herself, be cared for, and be a teenager. Let your daughter know that you appreciate how much she loves and wants to help her siblings, but your home is also your workplace, and you need to protect and maintain that space so that you can continue to support both yourself and Chloe. I don’t know whether you and her father have 50/50 custody or some other type of arrangement. If you believe the current division of custody is harmful to Chloe, that’s an important conversation to try to have—with her, and possibly with a lawyer, depending on next steps. Thinking about everything your daughter is dealing with—grief, guilt, parentification, what sounds like a difficult and at least somewhat manipulative relationship with her father—it might be worth considering what other forms of support Chloe might need. Talking with a professional might help her to recognize what she’s been feeling and experiencing, decide what boundaries she needs with her father and stepmother, and think through what she really wants for herself and her life over the next several years. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister “Emmy” and her husband have been trying to start a family for the last five years. She suffered another miscarriage, the latest of many, back in June. I found out yesterday that I have some good news/bad news: I’m pregnant. My husband and I weren’t trying; turns out it’s an unexpected but pleasant surprise. Unfortunately, Emmy will not take this well. When one of my cousins announced that she was expecting two months ago, Emmy practically went into mourning and refused to leave her house or see or talk to anybody for a week. Now she’s in for another gut punch. Can you suggest a way for me to break the news to her gently before the news announces itself? —Happy for Me, Hurt for Her Dear Happy for Me, Hurt for Her, Unless you think receiving the news in an email or text would make it more hurtful for Emmy, I think I’d be inclined to try letting her know in writing—not in person or on a call—so that she doesn’t have to worry about controlling her emotions or responding in real time. Then, if her first reaction is grief, or envy, rather than happiness for you, she won’t have to try to hide it from you. She can take the time to process and feel sad for herself, and then she can write or call you back once she’s ready. Start by acknowledging that you know it may be difficult news for Emmy to hear, but because you love her so much, you wanted her to learn it directly from you. Keep it brief and to the point, emphasizing your love for her. Don’t mention that you and your husband were surprised by your pregnancy—it’s not really anyone’s business, and also might be salt in the wound given how much trauma your sister has experienced with her many miscarriages. Let her know that you will always be there for her, and that she should feel no rush to respond; you’ll be there if and when she’s ready. It’s very kind of you to be concerned about your sister, and to be thinking about how you might be able to cause her the least amount of pain when you share news of your pregnancy. This isn’t a situation you can fix or a hurt you can spare her, but I hope she is still able to feel and take some comfort in the love and compassion you clearly have for her. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate Early this past summer, my precocious 11-year-old daughter and I were downtown when she pointed out two teachers from her school walking hand in hand. She said that these two had always seemed particularly close but she hadn’t realized that they were dating. School started a few weeks ago, and she has both of them as teachers this year. On the first day, the male teacher shared with the class that he lives with his wife, three young children, and a menagerie of pets, while the female teacher explained that she lives alone with her two cats—much to my daughter’s shock. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids