My Daughter Is Miserable With Her New “Hobby.” There’s an Easy Solution, But My Wife Won’t Allow It.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by PeopleImages/Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Six months ago. my wife. “Andrea,” decided our 6-year-old daughter, “Vanessa,” should take violin lessons. Sadly, it just isn’t Vanessa’s calling. It’s pretty clear she isn’t musically inclined and is miserable. My suggestions to Andrea that we find another extracurricular activity for Vanessa (something she actually wants to do) have been disregarded. She points out that her own mother started her off on the violin when she was 5, and she didn’t like it for the first year, but eventually played in a youth orchestra because she was made to stick with it. She expects it to be the same for Vanessa. Our daughter now cries every time she is made to go to her lessons and says she “hates” it. What can I do to get my wife to understand she isn’t doing her any favors? —Violin Problems Dear Violin Problems, Being forced to play an instrument is part of growing up! Look at it this way, a big part (maybe most) of life involves doing things you don’t want to do. It’s a valuable lesson to learn that even if you don’t like something at first, you can work at it, become good at it, and eventually enjoy doing it. Your daughter will never learn that lesson if she quits violin before she gets over the hump. Of course, this doesn’t mean she has to be completely miserable. Explain that the beginning is the tough part and it will get better, but that she can’t just quit. Then help her feel more in control of the lessons. This could mean finding a teacher that she’s more comfortable with, having the teacher come to you instead of going to them, or even something more drastic. When our son was thinking of quitting Piano, I made him a deal that I would take lessons too. After a year of us both doing lessons and occasionally commiserating over how hard a song was or how we didn’t feel like practicing, I was able to roll off and he’s stayed on. Tell your wife to take lessons too. Or maybe you give it a shot! This won’t necessarily work for everyone, but it seems to have worked for us so far. You can be flexible about how she learns violin, but not whether or not she tries at all. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, Last week I received a call from my 10-year-old son “Lonnie’s” school informing me he has been bullying a classmate, “Timmy,” since the school year started. Not only has Lonnie been imitating him and teasing him, he has been the ringleader in getting half a dozen other kids to make fun of him as well. Currently Lonnie is suspended from school for the coming week. I am horrified by my son’s behavior. Lonnie has been grounded from his phone and the internet for the next six months. The trouble is that I am divorced from his dad, and my ex won’t agree to uphold his punishment when Lonnie is with him. He even thought what he did was funny! How am I supposed to send the message across to my son that he did a terrible, cruel thing when my ex won’t get on board? —Off the Hook Half the Time Dear Off the Hook Half the Time, This sounds like a terrible situation for both you and Lonnie. A common phrase we learned about bullies with our kids was that “hurt people hurt people.” You need to figure out what is going on with Lonnie that he is bullying a classmate and thinks his behavior doesn’t deserve punishment. You need to find out who is hurting him, (be it verbally or physically) and how can you make it stop. Your ex-husband sounds like an asshole. Someone probably hurt him, too. Don’t try to change his mind about the punishment or make him a better person. You can uphold your punishment in your home and focus on Lonnie. Talk to him and try to get to the bottom of why he did what he did. If you feel like your ex-husband will undermine anything you say, try to find other adults in Lonnie’s life that he can talk to. Taking away Lonnie’s phone or getting him to admit that what he did was terrible isn’t going to fix the underlying issue of why he’s doing it. —Greg More Parenting Advice From Slate Our two adult sons (26 and 28) have always had completely different personalities and interests, and when they were growing up, they always did their own thing. I was hoping that once they were adults, they would have a relationship, but they still prefer to have nothing to do with each other. At one point not that long ago, one of them made a vague reference to some serious transgression on his brother’s part. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids