My Daughter Finds a Certain Kind of TV Show Very Stressful. Her Father Thinks She Just Needs Exposure Therapy.

Dear Prudence Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 26, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AnnaZhuk/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, My daughter (9) and I find both tend to find nature programs (the ones narrated by famous people) stressful when they are stressful (i.e. babies in distress, animals about to be eaten, etc.). I can deal with them, though I still react; my daughter is more sensitive. But my husband (her dad) is impatient with this (he is a scientist; I am not, but I’m practical, so I understand nature is not a Disney place). Recently my husband put a program like this on in the background. At a stressful part, I told my daughter, “It will be OK, they set it up to stress us out,” to which my husband said, “It’s not stressful,” and turned it off in a huff. I looked at him and said, “It’s OK for a significant portion of the population to find this stressful. It’s created in a narrative style to make us care more.” To which he replied, “OK,” and refused to engage. (This is a pattern. I’ve only recently started pushing back. Hence my reply.) It’s OK to react to these programs and decide when it’s right for us and when it’s not—right? Or should I let my daughter get used to the stress of watching nature programs? Or is this about something else? —Sensitive Stresser Dear Sensitive Stresser, I have an idea. It’s based on my assumption that nature programs probably aren’t the only things that affect you and your daughter intensely, and that in general, you have strong reactions to stuff (situations, scents, noises, etc.) that others—like your husband—may see as no big deal. If that rings true at all, you as a family might want to explore the idea of the “highly sensitive person” and see if it hits home. (This is a popular framework, not a medical one, for describing people with a certain constellation of characteristics. I’m not qualified to make any kind of diagnosis! This is just something I’ve personally found useful.) Psychologist Elaine Aron coined the term in her 1996 book, The Highly Sensitive Person to describe the personalities of people who are especially attuned to their environments, react strongly to stimuli, and feel emotions intensely. She’s clear that falling into this category isn’t a bad thing and that it comes with many strengths as well as challenges. There’s a test you can take to assess how well the description fits you. And at the website Sensitive Refuge (“where highly sensitive people can take a break”), you can find a list of “21 Signs You’re a Highly Sensitive Person.” Guess what the very first one is? “You absolutely abhor violence and cruelty of any kind.” Sound familiar? It goes on to explain, “Everyone hates violence and cruelty, but for highly sensitive people, seeing or hearing about it can be extremely unsettling. You might be an HSP if you can’t watch very scary, gory, or violent movies without getting upset or even feeling physically ill. Similarly, you may not be able to stomach a news story about animal cruelty or similar brutal acts.” If this description resonates with you and your daughter, it might be helpful to embrace this framework and put a name to the personality traits that make you feel so sad to see a lion eating its prey. This is just the way you’re built, not a shortcoming. Sometimes having a label can give everyone a common language and a more understanding perspective. I experienced this in my own family. My dad had always described my mom as “wound up a little tighter than most people,” and I used to roll my eyes when she’d become overwhelmed by the smell of the perfume section of a department store or say she felt physically ill in response to stressful situations. It seemed like a lot of drama. Simply reading about the concept of the “highly sensitive person” has given me so much more empathy for her. She’s not neurotic or high maintenance or allergic to being laid-back. It turns out she’s really experiencing the world differently (in a way, that, it’s important to add, has a lot of positives!) My son has some similar traits, and the HSP label has been a meaningful touchpoint for me when it comes to accommodating him rather than pushing him through discomfort. I often wish my mom’s unique way of being would have been treated with the same respect when she was a child. That brings me to your daughter and the actual question you asked: whether she should have to get used to the stress of nature programs. No, she shouldn’t. She is allowed to have a thing that she doesn’t really like and reasonable minds can disagree on what’s stressful. And if it is in fact just one manifestation of a sensitive personality, there will be plenty of other things she’ll have to endure (upsetting content in books she has to read for school, crowded airports, professional situations that demand a lot of socializing and little downtime, etc.). Whether or not you decide the “highly sensitive person” label applies, you should encourage her to go outside her comfort zone when it comes to the parts of life that will really hold her back if she avoids them. Scenes of gazelles being massacred by predators don’t make this list. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My sister-in-law (my husband’s sister) has struggled with infertility for years. It ended up breaking up her marriage and marring her relationship with her parents (they wouldn’t take out another mortgage to pay for her treatments). She has made scenes at family gatherings if someone mentions anything to do with babies or pregnancies. I have always been on the sidelines, as our children are in middle school and have never been direct in the line of fire. I am 41 and thought I was going through pre-menopause when I found out I was pregnant! My husband and I were both shocked and debated for a long time whether to keep the pregnancy or not. We decided to keep the baby but also keep the knowledge to ourselves for now. The problem is that I am very short and even at four months, it is pretty obvious. If my sister-in-law sees me or catches wind that I am pregnant, it is pretty much a guarantee she will lose her shit epically. It doesn’t help that her ex is engaged again. We all live in the same area, and it isn’t out of the question to run into people. What is the best path forward? —Baby Bomb Dear Baby Bomb, I hate this for your sister-in-law, and I wish I could protect her from the agony of being reminded of all the pain infertility has caused for her and how much easier many other people have it. I’m sure she experiences this multiple times per day. It’s clear from the trail of damaged relationships she’s left in her wake that she is not equipped to handle the major disappointment she’s experienced in a way that lets her function and interact with others in a healthy way. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s any advice I can give you that will lead to her graciously accepting your happy news. With that in mind, let’s change your objective from “somehow preventing her from epically losing her shit” to being the kind of person you want to be in this situation, and operating with as much grace and sensitivity as possible. That means telling the truth in the most delicate way you can (it goes without saying that you won’t mention your debate about whether to keep the baby), asking how you can support her (even though it’s fair to guess you won’t get a reasonable response), and, of coursse, having no expectation at all for her to celebrate your pregnancy or the new addition to the family. You and your husband should share the news with her in writing, either text or email. This message should stop short of assuming that she will have a terrible reaction, because even though you’re probably right about that, nobody wants evidence that the whole family thinks they’re out of control. It could read something like this: “We weren’t sure about the best way to share this news and may have overthought it because we really wanted to be considerate of your feelings. We are expecting a baby in December and worried that this would be difficult news for you to hear, which would be 100 percent understandable after you have been through so much. Our hope is that sharing this in writing will give you space to process it if needed. And we would love to know about anything we could do when it comes to posting to social media or discussing the pregnancy with the family group chat that could make it any easier on you. You’re such an important part of the family and deserve support, so if there is anything big or small that we can do to be sensitive during this time please let us know. We’re ready to listen at any time.” Dear Prudence, I’d like your advice on the most sensible course of action for an “extra” concert ticket. My mother really likes a specific musical artist who is coming to my city. My sister has a habit of calling in to radio contests to win free tickets and getting lucky with them, so rather than buy tickets immediately, she tried waiting for a giveaway, and sure enough won two tickets. That still left us one ticket short, so the plan was for me to pay my way since they were booking a hotel to stay near me. I admittedly stalled on buying my solo ticket, because I was hoping for price drops. However, the radio announced another contest for a pair this week, so we all gave it a shot this time—and I ended up the winner! I offered for my husband to join us, but he declined, and my mother and sister both nixed bringing their partners, saying it should be a girls’ night. They also only booked a hotel room that sleeps two, so other out-of-town guests didn’t seem logical. Then I mentioned that I could ask a few local friends who might want to come. My sister responded by suggesting we just not use the fourth ticket, since she doesn’t want my friend “killing our vibe.” My mom then recommended trying to sell it! I think both these courses of action sound silly. If we’ve been blessed with the good fortune to win four free concert tickets, why not share the wealth? I definitely don’t want to let the fourth ticket go unused, but selling it feels wrong, since then we’re profiting off a freebie. The friends I suggested haven’t done anything untoward, and my family met them at my wedding. Should I try to convince my family to be more generous? —Don’t Stop the Party Dear Don’t Stop, Give the ticket away to a stranger by posting it online somewhere where someone in your community can claim it. This plan was originally envisioned as an experience for you, your mom, and your sister, and I can understand why the addition of a friend who they don’t know well could change the dynamic. It would be one thing if you had a best friend who you were dying to invite, but it seems to me that if you had someone in mind who you really wanted to join you, you would have already reached out to them right before or after you asked your husband. The plan I’m suggesting allows you to be generous while allowing your mom and sister to have you all to themselves. Which might be really nice! Classic Prudie My partner and I have been together for five years. Without fail on any major event (my birthday, his birthday, Valentine’s, planned couples trip etc.), his 17-year-old daughter gets “sick” and needs daddy to wait on her every whim. Miraculously, she gets better the next day when she wants to go out with friends. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Parenting