My Daughter Came Home From a Sleepover With a New Habit. She’s Way Too Young for This.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I can’t agree on something our 11-year-old daughter “Shelby” wants to be allowed to do. Shelby tried some coffee with sugar and creamer when she was at a friend’s house for a sleepover and really liked it. Now she wants to drink it at home. My husband and I drink it ourselves, but I think she’s too young for it, while my husband thinks it would be fine so long as it’s in small amounts. Who’s right? —Coffee Clash Dear Coffee Clash, I admit, I started drinking coffee when I was 12—not daily or even weekly, just occasionally, with quite a bit of milk—and have always loved it. Given the potential impact of caffeine on kids’ sleep, behavior, and anxiety, though, it’s probably best to avoid or severely limit it. You really don’t want to be enabling or encouraging an 11-year-old’s caffeine dependence, no matter how small the amount, especially if they’re also adding a ton of sugar. If your daughter actually enjoys the taste of coffee, and not just whatever sweeteners or flavors she adds to it, you could see if she gets the same enjoyment from decaf? Or, if you do let her have caffeinated coffee as an occasional treat, watch her closely to see how it affects her, and be ready to cut her off if you notice any adverse effects. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My wife and I are mired in an ongoing argument over whether or not our 9-year-old daughter should be allowed to take riding lessons. My wife is terrified of horses, claiming they are “unpredictable and dangerous,” but our child has always loved them and has been begging for riding lessons since she was in first grade. The riding school our daughter would attend has an excellent safety record. How can I convince my wife that our child shouldn’t lose out on this experience because of her mom’s fears? —Riding Rift Dear Riding Rift, I did a little research on this since I’m not familiar with horseback riding myself, and many articles I found point to the fact that riding readiness often depends on the specific kid. A young rider should be very responsible and ready to follow all safety rules, have good balance and coordination, respect the horses’ size and strength, and be interested in the animals themselves (i.e., not just looking for thrills—especially since they would start out slow). Your wife is not the only parent to be anxious about riding. Horses are large, powerful animals, and there are real risks when it comes to riding them. Plenty of other sports come with risks, too, and of course it’s great that the riding school you found has such a strong safety record, but there’s also no way to completely eliminate the danger. You and your wife are now in conflict over this. Consider that you might not be the person best positioned to convince your wife that this could be a safe experience for your child, especially if you have little to no riding experience yourself. I imagine that your wife would benefit from the opportunity to question and talk with experienced riders, as well as riding instructors who actually give lessons to kids. Start with the school you have in mind: You two can visit, take a tour, and talk with staff about stable rules. Find out what your daughter would need to be as safe as possible—like a good helmet and riding boots—and exactly what her beginner lessons would look like: Who would be teaching her? How do they approach working with novice riders? Which horses are specifically trained and used for lessons with beginners at the school? It could be that the risk is something your wife just can’t reconcile, in the end, no matter how many questions she asks. It could also be that with more solid, specific facts at hand, she would feel a little more open to your daughter trying some beginner lessons. I don’t think she necessarily owes your child an automatic yes, regardless of her own worries, but I do think she should try to educate herself as much as possible before overruling something your daughter wants this much. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate My husband and I moved to an East Coast suburb about six years ago from a large city. About two years ago, my husband and I became close to another family—let’s call them Amy and Gary. They are outgoing and popular in the community, and our children loved playing with their kids, who are similar ages. We celebrated our birthdays and other big events and even went on a family vacation together. They would introduce us to other friends in their circle as their “best friends.” After the vacation, I started to notice something. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids