My Daughter and Her Husband Are Using a Popular Parenting Technique With Their Son. They’re Creating a Monster.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter, “Tamara,” and her husband are applying that idiotic “gentle parenting” approach to raising their 3-year-old son, “Max,” and it is turning him into a monster. He won’t listen to anything they or anyone else tells him to do. Max has been kicked out of three daycares, and they have even lost friendships and not been invited to family events because Max is an uncontrollable tornado. A few weeks ago, my son-in-law fell from a ladder and broke his leg. Tamara had my husband and me watch Max while she stayed with her husband while he was in the hospital for a couple of days. Predictably, Max wouldn’t follow rules or eat what he was told (he pulled the cat’s tail and demanded ice cream for dinner). We put him in time out and walked him back every time he got up. Eventually he stopped, and we let him scream it out until he ate what he was given. But as soon as Tamara picked him up, he said we had been “mean” to him. When I explained to my daughter that we had set normal boundaries for Max and what they consisted of, she blew up and accused her dad and me of “traumatizing” him. Now she says we won’t be seeing Max until we apologize to him. I’m not willing to bow to her emotional blackmail. My husband, on the other hand, says we should just do a fake apology because Tamara is capable of holding a grudge until the end of time. Please tell me I’m right. —Not Giving in to a Tiny Terror Dear Not Giving In, “Gentle parenting” means different things to different people, but it isn’t necessarily stupid; unfortunately, your daughter and son-in-law’s approach isn’t effective. In the interest of having time with your grandson again, I would say something along these lines in your “apology” to him: “I’m sorry you felt sad the last time you were here, but we need you to be a good boy and listen to Grandma and Grandpa.” Max is a child, he’s not a bad actor here—he’s simply lacking proper guidance. Try to kindly approach the issue with your daughter without telling her that her approach is “stupid.” Instead, ask her questions that may help her be honest with herself about some of the challenges she is having with her son: “Are you overwhelmed with Max’s behavior sometimes? Do you find that you’re having a hard time getting him to listen?” Maybe she’ll open up to you or do some self-reflection … or maybe she won’t. Unfortunately, there’s no way to guarantee that your words will move her, but do let her know that you recognize that she is doing her best, that Max is a great kid and that the toddler years are very different for everyone. As far as you and your husband go, I think you’d be better off avoiding sleepovers with your grandson until the next emergency comes up. Spend time with him along with his parents and let them be responsible for his shenanigans. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and I have two daughters, “Rebekah,” 11, and “Rachel,” 15. My brother-in-law, “Trey,” and his wife have a 13-year-old son, “Nate.” Nate is allowed to wallow in the cesspit that is the manosphere, and it shows in his attitude. When they were over at our place this past weekend, Nate was in the kitchen with our girls. Rebekah was squeezing a lemon slice into her iced tea, and it ended up accidentally squirting him in the face. She started to apologize, but he shoved her into the refrigerator and called her a “fucking stupid [c-word].” Rachel responded by backhanding him and telling him if he ever put his hands on her sister again he’d regret it. As it happened, Rachel had a ring on, and it chipped one of Nate’s front teeth. He went bawling to his parents, who cussed out my girls and left. Now they are demanding that we pay for Nate’s dental work to fill in the chipped area. I say they can take that dental bill and shove it since Nate was the one who instigated the whole thing by shoving Rebekah and calling her that disgusting name. My husband agrees Nate shouldn’t have said it or shoved her, but thinks that Rachel should have known better than to hit a younger kid and we should cover the costs to restore peace in the family. Nate is the same size as our older daughter, and frankly I think she gave him a much needed reality check. My asshat in-laws and their asshat son deserve nothing, correct? —Ring Ding Dear Ring Ding, CORRECT! As the old African American adage goes, “Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.” Nate started this whole thing by putting his hands on his cousin and hopefully, this experience taught him a valuable lesson. He is only two years younger than Rachel, and if her striking him is worsened because of the age gap, the same goes for him shoving Rebekah. If I were you, I would let Trey know that I am sorry for what happened and remind him that his child is responsible. I would also express my concerns about Nate’s burgeoning misogyny. I’d remind him about Elliot Rodger and other young men who resorted to violence after being “red pilled” and, most importantly, I would keep my daughters away from this asshole-in-training and his goofy parents until they do something about his attitudes. I’d also put my foot down with my husband if he didn’t understand that his nephew is a danger to my kids. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate I’m very torn about what to do. A couple of weeks ago at a family get-together, my cousin brought her new boyfriend. He is middle-aged and didn’t set off any alarm bells until my 5-year-old daughter got home from camp. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids