My Dad’s New Girlfriend Is the One Person Who Should Be Off Limits. I’m About to Lose It.

Dear Prudence What the hell? Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 10, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Yulia Arsenova/Getty Images Plus and Deagreez/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My parents divorced five years ago after a three decades-long nightmare of a marriage. Two months ago, my dad began seeing a new woman—and I am disgusted by who it is. This is the person who used to babysit me and my sister when we were in elementary school, and she was 16 (I’m 25 now). They seem happy, but I’m really kind of squicked out by it. Can I ask my dad to break it off with her? —Banging the Babysitter Dear Babysitter, I don’t blame you for being squicked! While they are two consenting adults, your dad knew this woman as a teen. It’s doesn’t feel great to think about how easily he was able to change her status from “a child in my community” to “Someone I’m sexually interested in.” I would have hoped that the memory of her showing up at your house as a high school student with a backpack on as he left for date night with your mom would be hard to shake in a way that made her appealing to him. But that didn’t happen. Creepiness is a spectrum, and while anyone would hope their dad wouldn’t be on it at all, this behavior probably puts him closer to the “taboo but not extremely harmful or totally shocking” end of it than the “perverted groomer” end. And I just can’t imagine him giving up this young woman who is for whatever reason showing him attention—and who you admit has made him happy. You can tell him why you’re having a hard time adjusting to the situation. I think he needs to hear that! Because whether or not what he’s doing is legal and technically above board, its impact on you as a woman and his daughter is something he should care about. But frame it as “I’m sharing this to explain my perspective,” not “So I’m submitting my request for a breakup.” Hopefully the massive age gap will lead to incompatibility that ends things without your intervention. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My sister is engaged to someone who was born here but primarily raised overseas. They have a large budget for their wedding, but he wants to see his elderly grandmother and have the “real” wedding there. Basically, they do a court wedding, celebrate locally, and go and spend the money to take care of the community—build houses, supply the church, send kids to school, etc. Frankly, I really think it is the best solution since all of us are pretty close but geographically far apart. I just started a new job and have zero vacation time, my brother just had twins, and our other sibling is in Australia. The plan was for our parents to attend the court house nuptials with a few friends and then go celebrate at the retirement home where my grandparents are for brunch. Only our mother is completely obsessed with the idea of a “true” wedding with the white dress, big production, and all us in attendance. My sister hates all that. She skipped every school dance and both her graduations. She never even likes the fuss of getting a free dessert on your birthday and having the staff sing to you. She keeps picking fights with my sister and I have to be the sounding board for both sides. I finally told my mom that she needs to stop pushing or my sister will just elope to Vegas and we will all get the news in a text. She got very irrational and then hung up to call and attack my sister for even having the idea of her and our dad not being able to see her get married. And Vegas was tacky. My sister never mentioned Vegas and now is upset with me for putting the idea in our mom’s head. I wasn’t! It was just the logical conclusion of how my mother acts.I love her to death, but when she gets fixated on an idea, she is like a dog with a bone. What should I do here? —Foot in Mouth Dear Foot in Mouth, I’ll start by saying you’re right on the substance. And I respect your desire to protect your sister. Your mom should leave her alone. That said, you never should have been involved in this conversation. So, let’s talk about your new job. Are there any important projects you’re working on? Anything trainings you need to complete? Any colleagues you should meet for coffee? Pour your attention into that—or anything else that has to do with your choices, your feelings, and your emotions. You were in the great position of being totally fine with your sister’s choice and if you would have just been cool about it, you wouldn’t conflict with her and your mother. It’s annoying to be put in the middle or used as a sounding board. I completely get that. But it would have been better to say “Yeah, not sure what to tell you, Mom. It’s really Jasmine’s decision” or something equally dismissive and nonconfrontational. Now you have two phone calls to make. One to your sister: “Hey, I’m really sorry about the Vegas thing. I was just trying to emphasize to Mom that she should accept your decision, and I ended up adding fuel to the fire. I’ll stay out of it from now on and just let me know if there’s anything you need help with.” And one to your mom: “I just want to be clear that Jasmine never mentioned eloping in Vegas. I was just trying to make a point about how we should be happy that we’re included in her celebration and not give her a hard time. I still think that, and I probably shouldn’t be a sounding board for your issues with the plans anymore because my opinions aren’t really relevant and I don’t want to add to the conflict. I’ll just say that I hope we can all have a good time at brunch with grandma and grandpa because this is going to be a really special day.” Dear Prudence, Since my mom died, I haven’t been in contact with my extended family beyond the odd holiday text. I am queer, and they all are very conservative and we live far apart. My cousin had “Lily” as a teen and I have fond memories of the baby-sitting as a kid. I worshiped her mom, but when Lily hit her teenage years, she did so cruelly and wanted nothing to do with my brother or me. Lily was extremely close with my grandmother and even there when she died. I was invited to her wedding but couldn’t afford the travel and according to my mom who attended, the great uncles and aunts were fourth tier guests. She remembers Lily saying hi and that was it. Lily recently had a baby. I reached out to my aunt, Lily’s grandmother (who I always thought of as the reasonable one), to ask if Lily would like a few of the keepsakes that I got from my mother and grandmother. It was a silver locket, a patchwork stuffed animal, some small paintings of my grandmother, and a christening dress with four generations of names sewed in—including Lily’s. My aunt acted like I was asking her for bail money. She was curt and asked why I wasn’t asking Lily? Why ask her? Why now? I have no real relationship with Lily beyond that we spoke at my grandmother’s funeral and she sent flowers to my mom’s. I can’t remember the last time I was in contact with her mother. Was I out of line? Should I just drop it? My church has a large refugee attendance and I have been told that they would love and cherish these items. I don’t want to be where I am not wanted. —Giving Gifts Dear Gifts, Your aunt is a jerk, but she makes a little bit of a good point. You should contact Lily directly. You can follow up on that same text exchange with your aunt to get her current contact info and see if she wants the stuff. If not, you have the right idea. Hold onto the special items until you can give them to someone who will appreciate them—or at least be nice to you when you offer them. I’m happy that you have a supportive church community to fill some of the gap left by your extended family. And while you may have physical items that members of the congregation would appreciate, don’t forget that you can accept intangible things like warmth, kindness, and acceptance from them, too. Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate I feel totally at ease around my boyfriend, especially when we are cuddling. Being in his arms is pure contentment. His presence clears my mind of all fears and worries and allows me to detach from the stresses of the world. And this is where the problem comes in: I get so relaxed around him that I get sleepy! To some extent, he thinks it’s cute, but I know he is bothered by the differences in our energy levels. It’s very hard on him when he wants to play and I’m drifting in and out of consciousness… Advice Dear Prudence