My Dad Has Made Me a Lifesaving Offer. But There’s a Big Catch.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Oleksandr Sytnyk/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, How do I figure out whether I’m safe accepting a bribe? When I was 13, my parents had a horrifically bad divorce and put me right in the middle of it. My dad had an affair, my mom filed the papers, and my dad proceeded to tell me in great detail about all the ways my mom didn’t meet his sexual needs that my now-stepmom did. My dad is independently wealthy, my mom has very little and the money aspect of the divorce dragged on for years. My mom proceeded to use me as a messenger for the rest of the divorce, which was awful in its own way. Neither of them ever apologized. At 18, I moved states away and stayed there. I see my parents separately on Christmas and am polite to my dad’s wife and new kids, but I’d rather be anywhere else. Recently, I got out of a bad relationship and had to run up some substantial credit card debt to afford to leave safely. I didn’t tell anyone about the debt, and I’m struggling to pay it off. My dad is going through some guilt as a parent, and my stepsiblings won’t talk to him because of how he treats their mom. He recently reached out and offered to pay my rent, with an implied ask for more contact. I badly want to take this lifeline but can’t figure out how to judge the risk. Suggestions? —The Devil You Know? Dear The Devil, The only big risk here is that your dad will want more contact if he’s helping you financially and you may not want to reciprocate. I think it’s OK to take the money, but you should set expectations with your dad beforehand. Tell him that while you appreciate the help and it means something to you, it also doesn’t repair what happened when you were younger—that will take time and work on his part. Reiterate that if he wants to help you, he can, but you’re not promising that it will completely change your relationship. Money alone can’t do that. If you want to take the money and still maintain some distance, you can structure your dad’s offer to pay rent as a loan with appropriate interest. A loan would still help you but doesn’t carry quite the same weight as a gift, and it may allow you to feel safer getting help. —Elizabeth Spiers From: I Desperately Want To Take My Dad’s Bribe. But I’m Not Sure It’s Worth The Risk. (February 4th, 2023) Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I get social security due to my disabilities. And I have a special needs trust. I get help managing my money from my parents. But when they die (I know they will not live forever) it will be a sibling. I don’t like this sibling. There is no other family, we have asked. My financial people that help with the trust money say a hired person won’t do as good a job as my sibling and I’ll end up paying a lot for services that will be not as good as what my sibling can do. Can you trust somebody with your money who is not a good person in their soul/morally but who is very good with money? (They are very ethical with money. Just not with hurtful words.) I know to have this problem means I am very, very lucky compared to most people on disability. But I also don’t know what to do. —Very Lucky, Very Stressed Dear Very Lucky, Very Stressed, No one wants someone who is mean to them to be in charge of their money. Maybe you can meet with your parents and your sibling now to make rules about how your sibling talks to you. If they are willing to help with your trust, they might also be willing to follow your rules about respect and not saying hurtful things. Talk to your parents while they are still alive about getting your sibling to understand how your sibling’s words hurt you. The good news is that your sibling must be ethical with your money. There are special laws about how someone in charge of a special needs trust (a trustee) has to act. They have to make decisions in your best interest, which is called fiduciary responsibility. If your sibling isn’t willing to be kind to you, you could hire a professional to do that job. A professional trustee will also have to follow the same fiduciary rules, but they will charge you money. But if they respect you more than your sibling, their fee might be worth avoiding having an unkind person controlling your cash. —Lillian Karabaic From: I’m Not Sure I Can Trust My Hateful Sibling To Manage My Money. (January 10th, 2023). Dear Pay Dirt, This is my first time in a “real job,” working at a small nonprofit. Hired as an office assistant and customer service person, I do that in addition to being the sole person behind all social media, doing tech support, marketing programs, and staffing outreach events. I’m more like a communications person with additional duties. I was told I wouldn’t get paid time off or be able to work from home because I’m part-time. I was a little surprised to hear this. But I took the job because I didn’t have a lot of options. Recently, we’re expanding and I was asked to post ads for several new part-time employees. They’re all being given $10-plus an hour more than me and getting PTO and work-from-home options. I spoke to my superiors and I got a raise of $1 an hour and PTO. I’m now planning to skill up and get out in a couple of years—I’m enrolling in a certificate program this fall. Recently, while preparing an office for a new hire, I came across a copy of the employee handbook (which was never shown to me). I was supposed to be getting PTO after I was employed for six months, at a rate of .75 days per month. How should I proceed? Can I get those days paid out to me? Any unused days over the 12 get canceled at the end of each year, but that still means they owe me at least 16 days of PTO. I’m the youngest person and only person of color at this historically white organization, and I’m feeling used. There’s no way this is an accident. At the same time, I have very little work history so I need to leave this place on good terms. —Need a Vacation Dear Need a Vacation, My heart breaks for you reading this. This is very much a symptom of small nonprofits and the trend of bringing in younger, inexperienced staff and justifying poor labor practices because of their “mission.” It sounds similar to so much of my experience working in small nonprofits. At one point, I remember being the only one in an organization of 18 employees who didn’t get health insurance after two full-time years there, which “wasn’t in the budget” for my role (this was pre-Affordable Care Act). You should absolutely advocate for your paid time off with your manager, bringing the employee handbook as documentation. But know that while the employee handbook is helpful, it’s rarely legally binding. PTO is not required under federal law (though a few states have different policies). Generally, the PTO would need to be included in your employment contract or collective bargaining agreement if part of a union. Even if you suspect otherwise, it’s best to initially approach this as an accident with your manager or administrator. “I noticed an oversight while reviewing the employee handbook for our new hires. Based on my tenure and status, I should’ve been accruing PTO at the rate of .75 days per month as a part-time employee. How can we fix this error?” Make sure to document this conversation in writing. If they don’t make this right, you should consider two things: looking for another job sooner than you anticipated and filing a complaint. While fighting a legal battle is never desirable, you may have grounds for a charge with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission if you are the only employee of color and are not getting the same compensation as other employees of a different race doing the same job. Vacation and sick time are considered compensation. Even if you do get the PTO you’re entitled to, start looking for another employer that respects you. A $1 per hour raise is likely not keeping pace with the cost of living right now, and switching employers is one of the best ways to get a raise. Why must you wait a few years to “skill up” and leave this job? Two years in your first office role is plenty of experience, and the job market is still strong. The Nonprofit Happy Hour Facebook group and Idealist are great places to look for better nonprofit jobs. —L.K. From: I Just Discovered My Job Has Been Scamming Me Out Of My Paid Time Off. (February 6th, 2023). More Money Advice From Slate My husband and I have made the difficult decision to sell our townhome due to bad neighbors. We have a toddler and an infant. Our neighbors have two pit bulls that are aggressive toward our children. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance