My Cousin Has a Really Twisted Idea of What a Godparent Is Supposed to Do. I Had to Quit.

Dear Prudence Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 22, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Paffy69/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, When my cousin Betty’s son was born a year ago, she asked me to be his godmother. I was surprised by this for two reasons: 1) She and I weren’t and still aren’t particularly close, so I figured I’d be the last person she’d ask for something so big, and 2) She’s not especially religious from my knowledge. I agreed to it more out of ignorance than a real desire, which was a huge mistake. As it turned out, Betty didn’t really want a godparent as much as she did a free nanny, which was how she treated me in regards to her son. She’d either have me come over nearly every day to watch him when I wasn’t at work, or have me take him home so she could have some “downtime.” (She’s a housewife, by the way, AND has a maid, so it’s not as if she was overworked.) I didn’t confront her about this at first because I thought she might’ve been going through postpartum depression, but given how energetic she was and how she never hesitated to pamper herself, I now suspect that was never the case. I get the feeling that Betty doesn’t have much interest in motherhood; from what I gathered from overheard conversations with friends and hints she dropped towards me, it was really her husband who wants kids. I recently told her that I will no longer be able to take care of her son, and she became furious. She threatened to revoke my godparenthood, and I simply told her to do so. From what I’ve come to understand, you can’t really “fire” a godparent, and even if she could, I was never officiated as her son’s godparent; again, she’s not religious. This leads me to think that Betty either doesn’t understand a godparent’s role or she does and simply used the term to get free babysitting. Whatever the case, I have learned that she plans to ask someone else to take the title. I know this person just enough that I’m tempted to give them a head’s up about what to expect. If I do, though, they might tell Betty what I said. I’m not personally concerned about us falling out since we already have in a way, but aren’t sure how to deal with the drama. What should I do? — Not Your Free Nanny Dear Free Nanny, You’re exactly right about Betty finding a creative avenue to secure free childcare, and you did the right thing by stepping down. I don’t think you need to go out of your way to warn the new godparent though. It would be one thing if Betty had tried to snag your social security card and steal your identity when picking up her kid, but what she did was more rude and thoughtless than dangerous. And who knows, someone else might be fine with the arrangement. Godmother #2 will be able to decide for herself whether she wants to babysit at all, and when it becomes too much. —Jeneé Desmond-Harris From: Help! My Friend Made Me a Godparent, Then Reneged When I Refused to Be a Nanny for Free. (September 4th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, A few weeks ago, my younger sister accused an extended relative of abusing her when she was younger. Obviously, the fallout in my previously very close family has been enormous. There was never any indication that this person was abusive before, so a lot of people are having a hard time believing it (I’m not sure I believe it myself). Because of that, dozens of family members have been calling me and my other sister to ask if we were also abused, which is a very unpleasant, heavy, and intrusive topic, except neither of us remember any uncomfortable or abusive interactions with this relative. Saying we weren’t feels like we’re not supporting our sister, but if we try to say we don’t know if she’s telling the truth, our relatives get accusatory and say we’re either ruining this relative’s life or putting other kids in the family at risk. But we weren’t abused! And I don’t know how many times I can repeat that without losing my mind. It sounds crass and insensitive, but to be honest I’m sick of talking about this and sick of hearing about it. I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now (a sick pet, moving, starting a new job, my boyfriend’s family issues), and I just don’t have the time or the energy to repeat that I wasn’t abused over and over. I’ve tried to direct all questions to my sister and tune everyone else out, but my family thinks this should be some sort of familywide experience. Even if my sister was telling the truth, I have no idea what she thought she’d gain by telling everyone. The one friend I’ve told about this says I should go to therapy, but going to therapy would mean continuing to discuss this, which is the opposite of what I want to do. Is there a way I can keep myself out of this? —Can’t Deal Dear Can’t Deal, Guess what’s harder than hearing about your sister being abused? Being the sister who is abused, finally comes forward, and isn’t supported by her own family. I can’t force you to believe her, but I encourage you to take a harder look at why your first instinct is to think she made this up out of thin air. What would she have to gain? And do you really think that when someone is abusive, there are always tons of signs? What kinds of indications would you have had to see to be convinced? Do you have any reason to believe those indications are typically present in cases of abuse? Ask yourself these questions and also explore why you’re so incredibly eager for this story to disappear. If you truly don’t believe there are any painful memories of abuse in your family, why is it so hard and stressful to talk about? Why is it “uncomfortable” and “intrusive” if the answer is truly as simple as “no”? I think you do, on some level, believe your sister—and maybe you even know something that you’ve tried to forget—and that makes you very uncomfortable. Don’t take that out on her. The answer to “What does she have to gain by telling everyone?” is to unburden herself of this secret, and find comfort and compassion. Even if you truly have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about, you can at least give her that. —J.D.H. From: Help! My Sister Just Made a Stunning Accusation—and Now the Whole Family Is on My Case. (September 18th, 2021). Dear Prudence, I’ve been with my boyfriend for several years now. We were both married before and then divorced. We both have children with our exes. His ex-wife is remarried, but she filed for their divorced, and it devastated him. (I filed for divorce in mine.) We got an invite from his grown daughter to go to his ex-wife’s milestone birthday soon. I don’t want to go. Their “old friends” (couples they hung out with) will be there, and I’m not comfortable. He is upset with me! I have to see her enough at their children’s and grandchildren’s events! Am I wrong for not wanting to go? He’s making me feel guilty. —Tired of Guilt and the Ex Dear Tired, Nope, you’re never wrong for avoiding a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Remind yourself of that again and again. If you really believe it, your boyfriend may try to make you feel guilty, but it won’t work. —J.D.H. From: Help! My Boyfriend Wants Me to Attend His Ex-Wife’s Birthday Party. (September 20th, 2021). Classic Prudie My friend is married to someone I don’t particularly like. We get together mostly just the two of us, but he has been invited to things that include other friends of mine or my family. One of those events was a child’s birthday party a few years ago. While there, he mocked the way one child spoke, made jokes about how another couldn’t figure out something that he deemed to be very basic, and also commented negatively that one of the children wasn’t potty trained at her age. All three incidents occurred with the children present. 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