My Brother-in-Law Always Fails at a Basic Part of Dinner Party Etiquette. I’m Ready to Scream.

Dear Prudence Old habits die hard. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 29, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, Despite my requests not to, my brother-in-law insists on bringing (and pulling out) his iPhone to every meal I host. I spend hours cooking and shopping for these family meals, which I enjoy doing. He is the first one in line to fix his plate and the first one to leave the kitchen when it is time to clean up. I know he has a lot of medical issues, so that’s not a big deal, but I feel his phone use is disrespecting me when I have worked so hard and requested that he not do so. In addition, he is handling utensils and dishes when the phones are filthy. I do not want to create a scene at dinner, but I am ready to scream. Should I speak to him ahead of time and threaten no more invites? I hate to punish my sister-in-law, but her excuse is that you can’t change an older person’s habits. —Fed Up With Poor Table Manners Dear Fed Up With Poor Table Manners, I probably wouldn’t have recommended asking your brother-in-law to put his phone away as if he were a middle school student entering a classroom. Matching his poor guest behavior with controlling host behavior is not a good solution. But since you already did and he didn’t comply, you have a clearer choice to make: What makes you more upset—the disrespect you feel as a result of his phone use or the prospect of seriously damaging your relationship with him and your sister-in-law? Because while you definitely can say, “If you’re unable to refrain from using your phone at my dinner table, you will not be invited anymore,” you’ll very likely face a dinner table with two empty seats and probably a lot of bad vibes. Only you can say whether the latter would feel more peaceful to you. I’m well aware that “stop feeling that way” is never good advice, but I can’t help but ask if there’s any chance you’d be open to tweaking the way you think about your brother-in-law’s attachment to his device. Could it be that he’s shy or socially awkward, and being able to seek refuge in his phone allows him to take mental breaks while still being present? If he has an unhealthy addiction to technology, does it feel any different if you remember that this isn’t personal and is rooted in his brain, not his level of respect for you? Is there any way to look at the positive side of the situation, which is that you get to have great conversations with your sister-in-law without trying to include another person’s interests? Even just talking to him to understand why he’s so attached to his phone (who knows, maybe he’s active in an online community for people with his medical condition, and they’re offering him support when he has to do something like physically push himself to attend a family event?) might help you understand him—or at least start to consider that his bad manners aren’t saying anything about his regard for you or your cooking. Because they really are not. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I am a 19-year-old engineering student working part-time as a grocery cashier. (I haven’t been on a date before) I have a massive crush on a slightly older grocery clerk, “Troy.” He doesn’t know how I feel, but a few of my coworker friends have tried to feel him out for me. Whenever they bring it up, Troy shuts the conversation down hard or claims he doesn’t believe them. I can’t tell if he is just trying to keep things strictly professional because we are co-workers, or if his harsh reaction is a clear sign that he isn’t interested. Should I take a risk, bypass the workplace gossip, and tell him how I feel directly? Or should I take the hint, protect my dignity, and just leave it alone? —Silently Crushing Dear Silently Crushing, Leave it alone! Once in a while, it’s appropriate to throw caution to the wind and pursue a workplace relationship: Like when you and your love interest are the same age and level of seniority, have a mutually acknowledged irresistible attraction to each other, believe you might be soulmates, and are prepared to risk it all (professional consequences and heartbreak alike) to date each other. Your situation has none of these qualities. Troy doesn’t appear to be interested and could be made uncomfortable by your advances (yes, a slightly older male also deserves to go to work without navigating a colleague’s romantic interest). And you’re so inexperienced. I don’t want this questionable situation to be your introduction to dating. Crushes are great, and they make going to work a lot more interesting and fun. Enjoy that and look for the qualities you like in Troy in someone who doesn’t work at the grocery store and who is as enthusiastic about you as you are about him. Classic Prudie My Aunt “Louisa” was diagnosed with a terminal illness; her doctors say she may have from six months to two years to live depending on treatment. Until her diagnosis, she was taking care of her grandchildren while her daughter, “Irene,” worked full time. Aunt Louisa can no longer take care of the kids. Irene has asked members of the family, including my retired mother, to watch her kids while she is at work… Advice Dear Prudence Family