My Boyfriend Wants to Meet My Family Before He Proposes. I Might Return Home Without a Relationship.

Dear Prudence They don’t know he exists. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 11, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My sister has a professionally diagnosed personality disorder. In our teens, she slept with or tried to sleep with every boyfriend I ever had. Not just in high school, but also while I was two states away in college. Sometimes they cheated, and it was consensual. Sometimes she just came onto them so hard and made them so uncomfortable that they eventually broke up with me to get away. Definitely at least once she assaulted someone, although he chose not to report it. It was all horrific. By the time I was 19, I stopped dating and stuck to casual hookups to try to escape it all. I didn’t date again for a decade. I’ve been with my wonderful boyfriend now for nearly three years. We live states away from my family. I’ve never mentioned him to my parents or even breathed a word that he existed to anyone outside our current city and social circle. I do still talk to my parents, although we’re not close. I visit one weekend a year. My sister continues to bounce in and out of their home, and they continue to try to get her treatment. My boyfriend knows all this, but knowing it and seeing it in real life are separate things. He wants to get engaged, but first he really wants to meet my family, and that’s such a normal thing to want. And I’m so scared and convinced it will be a rerun of every teenage relationship I ever had. He’s always been faithful, and also his own family is lovely. He thinks it “won’t be that bad” to meet them. How do I prepare myself for this? How do I prepare him for this? I’m terrified. —Scared Dear Scared, As uncomfortable as this visit could be, I think it could be a good test. Not of your boyfriend’s loyalty (although I hope he doesn’t allow himself to be seduced!) but of whether he’s up to the task of dealing with the family-related baggage you bring to the relationship. I’m hopeful that he’ll pass. Either way, if you allow him to interact with them, you’ll never again be stuck feeling scared of what will happen if he knows what your sister is really like. Thinking about your family puts you into a state of panic because of all the awful experiences you’ve had, so I completely get why you’re having such a strong reaction to thinking about being around them. But your boyfriend doesn’t share that history; he won’t be completely triggered by everything your sister says, and he’ll be able to see her through an outsider’s eyes. Yes, she’s a troubled and mean person who does unacceptable things, but he’s not going to experience her as a threat to his well-being. And I think having him next to you, with his healthy distance from your past, and his ability to go, “Wow, I can’t believe she made that wild comment to me. Anyway, do you want to go get coffee and you can show me your high school?” will be so good for you. You can borrow his calm, and it will be a major relief if he actually does say, “That wasn’t so bad” or even, “You’re right, she’s the worst person ever. I’m impressed that you turned out so normal!” This will take away a lot of the power your sister still has over you, and even if the relationship you’re in doesn’t work out for some reason, that’s going to make your life a lot better. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My husband is a neurosurgeon. Recently, one of the other neurosurgeons in his hospital threw a baby shower for his adult daughter, who lives across the country. We don’t know her at all. The family is very wealthy—beautiful house, nice cars, European vacation home—and they clearly pride themselves on being “top-shelf.” Everyone from the office and other hospital surgical groups was invited, and a gift registry was included with the invitation. I thought this was a bit strange from the start. The shower was held in the evening at a beautiful venue overlooking the city. When we arrived, there were dining tables, but all the food, desserts, and drinks were set up around the room with prices and labeled as available for “donation” (i.e., purchase). I found this incredibly tacky and presumptuous. I refused to buy anything and instead just mingled, but we still spent a significant amount of money on a baby gift, which we had mailed directly to the daughter’s home for her convenience. The thank-you note was not mailed to our house. Instead, her father left it on my husband’s desk at the hospital. The daughter herself never worked the room, never introduced herself, and never said, “Hello” or “Thank you for coming” to us the entire time we were there. She simply hung out with her small group of friends. I was highly put off by the whole event. My husband just wanted to toe the line and didn’t get too ruffled … which, if I had to be honest, in principle, was slightly irritating to me as well. Also, we did not receive a birth announcement when the baby was born. I found that surprising … and then not surprising at all. Am I overreacting, or was this as shocking and tone-deaf as it felt? —Left the Party Still Starving Dear Left the Party Still Starving, I don’t know about “shocking.” Shocking would be if the bride came around to each table and said, “Open your wallets!” while threatening guests with a weapon. But this—unless it’s explained by some cultural tradition I’m not aware of—was pretty bad nonetheless. In order of offensiveness, I’d say placing price tags on gifts and requesting “donations” was extremely wild. The failure to mingle and greet guests was unthoughtful. Not sending a birth announcement … ehh, I’m not so sure about. Things are busy when you’ve just had a baby, and not everyone has the time or mental capacity to send a bunch of cards out. I can completely forgive the hand-delivered thank-you note. I see nothing wrong with that. But even if everything had been 10 out of 10 rude and awful, I have to say your husband absolutely has the right idea when it comes to the right way to react. You can note that someone else’s choices are not the ones you would have made or the ones most people in our society would have made, and still not get ruffled. After all, it’s not as if getting all worked up and upset over a breach of party etiquette gives you the time you spent at the event back or allows you to go back in time and make the bride greet and thank you. What this couple did was pretty rude. Also, it doesn’t matter that much. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, Before we got married, my wife asked me the weirdest question: Would it be OK, at one point in the future, if she needed a break, to 1) provide me with a beautiful dog, then 2) go away for exactly one calendar year, then 3) come back to our home, and everything would be fine? Meanwhile, I would have the dog to keep me company. She promised she would never have an affair and would write me a postal letter on the first of every month to let me know she’s OK. I (jokingly?) said, “OK,” so long as I can do that someday, too. Obviously, eight years into our marriage, I came home to a beautiful golden retriever puppy with a tiny collar with my wife’s name on it. All her bags were already in a rented car. The conversation was so brief I barely remember it, but she kissed me goodbye and said she’d be back in a year. Anyway, everything went like clockwork: I received the monthly letters, raised this wonderful puppy, and she returned exactly a year later. She told me she moved to a very small town many states away, got a small place to herself, worked in a jewelry store, and spent the rest of her time achieving her life goal (writing a biography of Burgess Meredith, which she finished). After some painful conversations, she moved back in, and our lives went back to “normal.” She even got her old job back. That was all nine years ago. Now we have this wonderful dog instead of kids (which we’re totally fine with). Of course, now I want to do all this. I found an apartment in a city I’ve always wanted to live in, found a project I’ve always wanted to engage in, and the cutest little puppy who would look great with a collar that has my name on it. Should I use this opportunity? Or has too much time passed? —Dog Deal Dear Dog Deal, Hmm. The last time I expressed skepticism about a letter being real, so many people wrote in to say, “Of course it’s real! This has happened to me!” So, I’m going to go ahead and write you back because who knows? My response to this made-for-a-movie fact pattern (it seems an interest in the film industry might be a common theme in your marriage): Go for it! Adopt the dog and sign the lease. Fair is fair. Enjoy. Classic Prudie I met both “Teresa” and “Colin” in college. I grew close to both of them in separate friend groups. By the time we were graduating, the two of them were strongly infatuated with each other and began dating not long after. The relationship worried me, as they did not bring out the best in each other. I am ashamed to say I was very vocal about this opinion to everyone but the couple, and they soon stopped talking to me around the time they were married… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Dear Prudence Family