My Boyfriend Suffers From a Common Male Problem in Bed. I Don’t Think He Has Any Idea.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear How to Do It, I’m going to cut to the chase: I need help telling my boyfriend that he comes too quickly. Like, within a minute or two of entering me, even while wearing a condom. Every resource I’ve looked at online for having a conversation about this has advice for how HE could start a conversation with ME, but nothing for how to gently tell your partner that you’d like to occasionally have enough time to switch positions. Some background, maybe explaining why this feels especially fraught: I’m a sex-positive woman in my early 30s who has had many, many partners. He’s a man in his late 20s who, I am pretty sure, has only ever had one partner (a girlfriend from the end of college to the start of the pandemic). I noticed that he was a bit, uh, quick to the finish when we started dating, but I figured it was post-lockdown excitement, and that it would fade. Sex usually gets better, right? I thought it would improve, and in the meantime, he seemed eager to receive direction in foreplay, at least. (But there, too, there are issues; I’m getting tired of having to direct every aspect of the production every time.) All of this is also complicated by the fact that we are in a long-distance relationship much of the time, because we started seeing each other right before I had to move and formed a surprisingly strong attachment over the course of a few weeks. On the other hand: He is the nicest, most supportive, most caring partner I’ve ever had. I’m a neurotic mess half the time, and he is patient and tender with me. We have a wonderful intellectual partnership, and love and respect each other’s work. I feel so lousy, but I’m also at my wit’s end. All the frisson and attraction is already gone because it feels like there’s no possibility of good sex behind it, ever. I feel both sexually frustrated and heartbroken. —Press for Time Dear Time, Your boyfriend may be able to delay ejaculation with effort and practice over time—once he knows where his point of no return is, he can back off of stimulation when he’s close to orgasm. It’s also likely that he’ll be able to have sex again after some refractory period and last longer on the second round. To achieve either of these options, you’ll have to have at least one talk about it. And the same goes for directing other types of sexual interactions. Pick your time wisely. Make sure you’ve both eaten, that the temperature is comfortable, that you’ll have privacy for a while, and that you’re unlikely to be interrupted. Gauge whether he’s stressed at the moment, unsettled, or otherwise not in a great space to handle a delicate conversation. Tell him there’s something you want to talk about, and that you’re nervous about it, and then ask if now is a good time. Once you’re talking, establish that you are very invested in improving the sexual interactions that the two of you have, and that it does need some work. How you do this—the tone, the exact words you use—is something you’ll have to come up with for yourself. You might write and memorize bullet points. Give him plenty of time to process and respond. If he hasn’t had many partners, he hasn’t had this conversation very often, if ever. So be as gentle as possible. And offer the solutions I listed as soon as that feels appropriate; if they don’t work down the line, there are quite a lot of options he might try, but start simple. When you get to the amount of verbal communication that is currently needed, frame it positively as much as possible. Focus on what he does well, and encourage him to try choreographing his own movements. I think you’ve got this. —Jessica Stoya From: I Really Have to Tell My Boyfriend the Embarrassing Truth About Our Sex Life. (December 28th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My ex left me pretty confused about sex. I genuinely liked him, but I got the vibe he was desperate just to be with someone. He confessed that he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 20 to the first woman who asked, and he was still frustrated and embarrassed about that. When I met him, he told me he was very into sex—kinky, open-minded, high sex drive, etc. I thought I’d met my match. Not so much. He was average in bed but didn’t take new direction well, and he only did what I asked once. He only wanted to have sex in two positions in the morning or at night and only in bed. He thought oral sex was the kinkiest thing ever. He wanted nothing beyond that. Anal sex was “gross,” sex toys were out, watching porn was “weird,” having sex in public made him nervous, etc. We did have sex a few times a week, but he turned me down a lot. Things got tense when I called my ex vanilla. I mean, he is, right? There’s nothing wrong with vanilla, but I wish he’d told me that in the beginning. Well, he didn’t think so and he was furious with me. He blamed me for wanting sex too much and making it less fun because I wasn’t a “challenge.” I’m wondering if, despite being a 40-something man, my ex still has these inaccurate ideas about sex that so many teenage boys have that never get corrected. —Slut-Shamed Dear Slut, “Very into sex,” “kinky,” “open-minded,” “high sex drive,” and “vanilla” are all highly subjective. Some people think once a week is a lot of sex. Oral sex absolutely is kinky for some. Vanilla can mean anything from “without a power dynamic” to simply passionless. You’ll be better off in the future defining these terms more specifically through follow-up questions. If someone says they’re kinky, you might inquire what their favorite quirk for partnered sex is. If someone says they have a high sex drive, you might ask how often they prefer to engage in sexual activity, and how frequently they like that activity to be partnered. You can also describe fantasies and preferences of your own and see how they respond. Vanilla is sometimes used as a judgement to mean “boring” or “bland,” so you may have touched a nerve with that. His blaming you for not making sex a challenge is concerning. It’s possible that he’s got an ill-articulated kink for ravishment. His reaction could certainly be a sign of immaturity. Regardless, the two of you clearly aren’t a match. Take some time to breathe and reconnect with yourself, and then look for someone who is a better fit. —J.S. From: I Told My Ex the Truth About Our Sex Life—and He’s Livid. (May 6th, 2021). Dear How to Do It, I am recently married to an otherwise wonderful man who has lots of sexual hang-ups. We only had sex once before we got married, and he insisted we get married if we were to continue a sexual relationship. I would have been happy to just live together (I escaped a disastrous young marriage a few years ago and had intended to never marry again), but I love him deeply and it took me quite some time to get him to have sex that first time. Now that we are married, he willingly and joyfully initiates sex, but is still a little uneasy when I initiate it. And he has strict and limited rules of what we can do. If I get on top, he will roll me over to be on the bottom. He fondles and kisses my breasts and sometimes caresses my vulva, but that is it, and he won’t let me touch his penis. When I went down on him once, he reacted in horror and wanted to know where I learned to do such a disgusting thing. That surprised me, and I was not tactful in saying I thought men like blow jobs, which just made him angry because he hates to think about my past sexual encounters. He was married for 20 years (he is considerably older than me) very happily until his wife died of cancer, and he never talks about what their sex life was like or any other past relationships. I think this is all part of his very strict religious upbringing which I don’t see changing, especially at his age. I do enjoy the sex we have together for the love and intimacy, but it is not as sexually satisfying as I have had with other partners, including my jerk of a first husband. Is there anything I can do to stimulate his interest in trying new things? Or anything I could suggest to enhance the spark with the few things we already do so I can get off with greater intensity and satisfaction? —The Puritan’s Wife Dear Puritan’s Wife, A few weeks ago, I received a question on overcoming purity culture indoctrination, which led me to reach out to Karen Richter, director of spiritual formation at the Shadow Rock United Church of Christ in Phoenix. Richter oversees Shadow Rock’s sex ed curricula, Our Whole Lives, and though OWL is considered to be a secular program, something that she said during our conversation I think is useful to mention here: “Sexuality is a gift from God.” I wonder if reframing sex along these lines might help your husband, whose religious upbringing I could sense before you mentioned it explicitly. The idea that oral sex is “disgusting” isn’t even specifically biblical, which is frustrating here because if it were, one could point to any number of the Bible’s teachings (like wearing blended fabrics being considered a sin) to dismiss the blatant fallacy. (Of course, whether he’d be open to such rationale is another matter.) I can’t imagine you getting much further without a frank discussion. Tell him that some things are important to you, he is your sole sexual outlet, and so he should hear you out. You can’t coerce or expect him to do anything he isn’t willing to do, but sometimes exposure to an idea can crack open a mind. Can he put into words what makes him so uncomfortable about oral sex or you being on top? Can you reassure him that you’d like to experience these things with him because you love him and want to intensify or vary your expression of love and lust for your husband? Is this an important enough issue to you to think through what it would be like to leave the relationship to pursue more satisfying sex, or even voice that consideration to him? I think it’s always reasonable to have a discussion about dissatisfaction, but you can’t really expect more than to be heard. You have to meet him where he’s at, and if it’s a very limited approach to sex, this is your life. Can you accept that? —Rich Juzwiak From: My Husband’s Weird Sex Rules Are Driving Me Crazy. (May 10th, 2021). More Sex Advice From Slate I’m a 35-year-old heterosexual man who’s into BDSM. When looking at prospective play partners, there is one thing that so many of them say that just instantly rules them out. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Sex