My Boyfriend Keeps Telling Me What He Wishes Were Different About Me … in the Middle of Sex. I Don’t Have a Good Feeling About This!

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by artiemedvedev/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, Sometimes my boyfriend will ask me if I wish he had a penis. I always vehemently disagree. I deeply love his body as it is. He doesn’t want to pursue bottom surgery. I never want him to feel bad about that. He will sometimes tell me he wishes I had a penis during sex, and he misses having sex with men. I am a cis woman, so maybe he thinks this doesn’t bother me since I don’t have gender dysphoria. However, it still bothers me, even if I don’t have a good reason like that. How can I communicate this to him? —Dickless and Stressed Dear Dickless and Stressed, I think what you’re getting at is that your boyfriend is imposing his dysphoria on you, or at least attempting to. It’s completely reasonable for you to have no relation to this and not want to participate, even in the hypotheticals your boyfriend is asking you to engage with. When broaching this subject, though, start from a place of curiosity. State upfront that you do not wish for your sexual dynamic to change. “I deeply love your body,” would be a lovely thing to say. You can ask about how often he feels this way and to what degree he does. He doesn’t want bottom surgery, so is he OK with these feelings surfacing intermittently … always? Maybe he is. Maybe there is nothing else to be done but talk about this, in which case lending him your ear seems like a small act of kindness. Then you can share with him why his saying these things during sex bothers you. It also strikes me that if he’s making these comments during sex, he might just see it as sharing a fantasy or dirty talk. Again, totally cool if you don’t want to engage, but if that is what’s going on—and asking for clarity might be useful—then it might be satisfying for you to play along. If you could see this as low-stakes play, and not a declaration on the state of his identity, would it change the way you feel about indulging him? It also seems like a strap-on might be a fun and exciting thing to integrate, but, again, if you aren’t into it, it’s better not to go there. Reminding him that you don’t share his dysphoria, so you need some more practical guidance on how to navigate this situation in ways that feel safe and hot to him and to you, could be extremely useful. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My husband and I (a woman) have been married for 12 years. We’re in our 40s and have young kids. We’re pretty kinky, and we have great sex several times a week. I’m kinkier than he is, and when we’re having sex, I usually have to imagine something a bit kinkier than what we’re actually doing in order to come. This works and is fine with me! Recently, we were talking about introducing some props into our sex life, and he said he was happy to do so, but only if doing so was a nonnegotiable/requirement for me to be happy with our sex life. I love our sex life, and I wouldn’t say it’s a nonnegotiable for us to spice it up even further … as long as it’s fine that I’m imagining the further spice? I feel bad not being fully present with him, and I know in past columns Rich has advised against fantasizing while having sex with someone. What do you think? If I have to think about it, is it a nonnegotiable? Just as an example, I’m imagining being tied up and him talking dirty while he’s going down on me, but actually I’m not tied up, and he’s not talking. —Nonnegotiable Dear Nonnegotiable, I have answered thousands of questions in this column by now, so it’s hard for me to remember everything I’ve said throughout, but I’m not sure that I’ve advised against fantasizing during sex, per se. I know I’ve said it’s not ideal, but I’m a big believer in integrating whatever is necessary to get off, if that’s your goal. Bring in a vibrator, concoct a scenario in your head, whatever it is. This doesn’t have to mean total dissociation or that you are not at all engaged with your partner. Think of it this way: What he’s doing is loosening the jar, and the fantasy is giving that extra elbow grease to get your lid to pop. That’s totally fine in my book. Looking someone in the eyes isn’t necessarily going to make you orgasm, so seeking alternative means is completely understandable. You wrote in your letter that you are OK with this, so even if I weren’t, your experience is what matters here. It’s also a positive sign that what you are imagining is your husband, just in a different scenario. I’m wondering why you don’t actually try the fantasy that is bringing you over the edge. You’ve brought up integrating props—if by that you mean something to tie you up with, I think you should absolutely go for it. There’s nothing wrong with your fantasies or incorporating them into your partnered sex the way you already are, but if you could collapse the barrier between what’s in your mind and what’s happening, even better. I’m a little confused about your husband’s terms for incorporating toys, though. Why does it have to be nonnegotiable? Why does he require it to be a requirement? Why is it so important to him that it’s important to you? Why can’t it just be exploration? What if, for example, you were to bring in one toy but found it didn’t do the trick? Would it be OK for you to move on to another? I would hope so. For him to back out of that on principle (“Not so nonnegotiable after all!”) seems needlessly fussy. Maybe the nonnegotiable/requirement is that you add something while leaving the door open for what that is exactly? This way, you can keep exploring within your sex life without the obligation of having it be just one thing that you’ve committed to. Overall, though, it seems odd to put the pressure on you to decide what is nonnegotiable/required before you actually see how it integrates into sex with your husband. I’d try to get a little more clarity there. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, What does it mean when I have to kiss my husband the whole time to keep him hard? I never had to do this before, and he didn’t have any trouble keeping it up until now. Should I be concerned? —Half-Mast Until Kissed Dear Half-Mast Until Kissed, It’s understandable that you are concerned about a recent change you’ve noticed in your husband’s functioning. Generally, when this happens, it’s good to get checked out by a doctor, in case there’s some kind of physiological underpinning, like a shift in hormone levels. This kind of thing can also have psychological roots, and even if that’s the case, it doesn’t have to “mean” anything, just that your husband has a new preference. We can pick turn-ons up and put them down, seemingly at random. What works in one session may become something we fully want to integrate for a time. It’s an organic method of experiencing novelty and, in a small way, continuing sexual evolution. Your husband’s seeming need to be kissed strikes me as a desire to have your connection locked in the entire time you’re having sex. Connected sex, especially among couples, is a sign of healthy and loving expression, as kissing is extremely intimate. If anything is amiss or counter to this interpretation of connection and intimacy, he’d have to be the one to tell you. Have you talked about it with him? It could clear up a lot. That’s especially so if you strike a curious tone and let him know that you’re down to kiss him as much as he likes (if true), you’re just wondering where this is coming from all of a sudden. —Rich More Advice From Slate My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and living together for one. He’s in his early 40s and I’m in my early 30s. Our sex life was very intense for the first few months of dating, and then we settled into a less frequent, but still respectable (if somewhat rigidly scheduled) routine. Think three times a week down from every day, always in the afternoon. I tried initiating a few extra times but was turned down most of the time, so I mostly stopped doing that and masturbated instead on the days we were not having sex… Advice Sex