My Boyfriend and I Took Care of His Mother’s Dog for Five Days. I’m Aghast at How She Repaid Us.

Dear Prudence Welcome to Prudie Lurks, a new column that weighs in on Reddit drama. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 14, 202612:12 PM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Slate and Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. We receive a good number of letters in the Dear Prudence inbox, and yet not enough to satisfy my desire to hear about the conflicts in strangers’ lives. That’s why, like so many others, I often find myself lost in the interpersonal sagas described in the wildly popular subreddit Am I the Asshole? (or AITA for short). In a new occasional column, Prudie Lurks, I’ll weigh in on scenarios posted there that have caught my attention. I’ll offer my take on who’s right, who’s wrong, and which Reddit commenters nailed it with their responses. I’ll also give some advice that, to be clear, no one has asked for. AITA for doing that? I hope not! Join me. AITA for expecting a free dinner?: My boyfriend and I watched his mother’s dog for five days while she was away at a wedding. We planned to meet halfway to return the dog, about an hour’s drive for each of us. We met at a restaurant for dinner and to exchange the dog. I assumed she would pay for our meal as a “Thanks for watching my dog and driving two hours round trip to return her to me!” My boyfriend also indicated she was paying. But no, she insisted we split the meal, which was $79 total for the three of us. AITA for expecting a free meal in exchange for watching her dog and saving her $50 to $70 a day at the boarding facility? Prudie’s Take: If the mother literally insisted that the meal be split—perhaps even over the protests of the OP (or “original poster,” in Reddit parlance)—then she is the asshole in this scenario. She could have said “I would love to cover this, but I can’t afford it” or “I can’t do it right now, but I’ll treat you two another time” or “I was bleeding money during my travels, so I’m really sorry, but this meal isn’t in my budget, even though I thought it would be.” Certainly, after OP watched her dog, it would be a kind thing to do to either pay or offer some sort of explanation about wanting to pay. It’s no surprise that many Reddit commenters came down pretty hard on the boyfriend’s mother with comments like these, concluding that OP was NTA (“not the asshole”): All4Me53: NTA. How embarrassing for her. Effective-Working738: She sucks. I hope you don’t watch the dog again. I don’t think this case is so open-and-shut, though. OP was wrong to assume that she would pay. As the old saying goes, “Assuming makes an ass out of you and me,” and, well, that’s exactly what happened here. Everyone ended up being a little bit of an asshole because of a story that OP told him or herself, which is that they were owed a free dinner. My most important advice: Don’t do that again! My grandmother had a magnet on her refrigerator with the quote “Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.” I found it to be a bit of a downer as a choice for home decor, but embracing this idea could have helped OP a lot. Reddit user 1justhavingfun put it well when they said: “Conversations need to be had. Expecting things and not voicing them will create disappointments.” OP didn’t do all the assuming by themselves, though. In the post, they write: “My boyfriend also indicated she was paying,” a construction that seems like a deliberate choice to avoid the clearer “My boyfriend said she was paying” and comes after “I assumed she would pay,” so I have to wonder what this conversation sounded like. My guess is that it went something like this: OP: “I’m going to miss Bailey, but this has been a lot of work. It will be nice to relax and not worry about picking up poop when we finally get home after your mom treats us to a meal to thank us for all we did for her.” Boyfriend: “Yeah, I heard they have a really good chicken salad wrap.” This was a moment when he really should have sprung into action, managing expectations about how the dog-exchange meal would work. After all, you don’t have a relationship with his mother outside of him. With all that in mind, I ultimately think blame should be distributed as follows: BF’s mom: 20 percent the asshole. Consider doing something nice for people who do you favors. And if you can’t, at least pretend to be apologetic. OP: 30 percent the asshole. Don’t do a favor while secretly expecting compensation. And never tell someone they have to pay for you. BF: 50 percent the asshole. As the one who knows both of these people, you should have been attuned to the mismatched expectations and definitely avoided “indicating” that your mom would pay. Maybe OP would have decided to stay home, or maybe they would have gone into the meal prepared to pull out a credit card. When the check was on the table and your mom suggested a split, you should have at least covered your partner’s share. After all, they helped you out too when they pitched in to take care of the dog, and they deserve appreciation not just from the owner but from you. Keep that in mind if you two pair up to run a doggy daycare again—although there’s a good chance this is the first and last time they’ll be involved in this kind of “favor.” Advice Dating and Relationships Family Pets Prudie Lurks