My Boss Thinks He’s Figured Out the Answer to Every Working Parent’s Struggle. Absolutely Not.

Good Job Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by standret/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, My boss has a 2-year-old whose sitter recently went on maternity leave. For the past month, he’s been bringing his son to work and expecting those of us who work in reception to keep him occupied. In addition to all of us feeling used, it simply isn’t working; an office is no place for a toddler, and it’s seriously affecting our ability to do our jobs. The problem is that our boss owns the business, so there’s no one above him we can go to. What’s the answer? —Conscripted Child Care (she/her) Dear Conscripted Child Care, Everybody, please welcome our latest inductee into the Bad Boss Hall of Fame! It’s a competitive field, but this boss deserves recognition for abuse of power, sexism (you shared your pronouns, and I’m guessing others in reception are female), and poor planning. As for that last item, it should have been entirely foreseeable that the boss’s babysitter would go on maternity leave. (Unless, say, the sitter adopted a baby or gave birth prematurely.) It’s one thing to help entertain a toddler when a co-worker has a childcare emergency: “A water main broke near Dolly’s daycare, and it closed for the day. I’m so sorry to disrupt the office, but I had to come in to handle an emergency with the Jackson account.” That sort of thing. Your boss, in contrast, decided to take advantage of his staff rather than make good decisions for the workplace or his child. The boss obviously doesn’t care about the staff’s comfort, so focus on the child and the business when you or another co-worker works up the nerve to talk to him about this problem. “Boss, we love having Maximillian in the office. He’s a doll. But gosh, it seems like he’s bored and probably not getting the right stimulation to hit his developmental milestones.” Or: “Boss, while we’re watching Maximillian, which projects would you like us to back-burner? Or should we hire additional staff in reception so we can keep up with the workload?” If the boss refuses to find proper care or take care of his own child his own damn self, set up a childcare rotation among the reception staff so only one person is stuck with the toddler on a given day or half-day, while the rest of you do your jobs … and look for new ones. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, I’ve been a teacher for about six years. I loved my job. But last year pushed me to the breaking point: My husband had a serious health issue, and I became the sole breadwinner. At the same time, I had a particularly challenging class of students. My teacher-mentor committed suicide partway through the year. It was an awful year. I taught summer school and picked up side gigs this summer because bills had to get paid. But I’m so, so, so burned out. I started vomiting before work every day, and my hair is falling out. When I started the new year, I committed to doing my job but not taking on the volunteer extras my district expects. And frankly, I’m not in the position to pay for any classroom items out of my own pocket the way I normally would either. I have a student whose parents refuse to let him be assessed for special education, and I’m in the process of documenting everything when I have to constantly clear the classroom due to his violent tantrums. This year is looking tough, but I can’t give more than the minimum my job requires. How do I hold the line on this? Our admin is pushing us to take on a district-wide extracurricular reading program for students (unfunded, of course!). My kids loved it in past years, and admin and students alike keep asking me about it. I used to do a lot of volunteer extras, and I keep having to say no to people who expect me to continue doing them. How do I do what I’m paid for without looking or feeling like a slacker? We’re hoping a few more months of treatment can get my husband into remission, but we just don’t know yet. He was sick long enough that he went beyond FMLA, so even if he recovers quickly, he’ll have to get a job before we can be a two-income household. I have to hold on to mine, even if it’s hard. —Tired Teacher Dear Tired Teacher, I’m so sorry about your annus horribilis, your horrible year. As someone who has said “yes” whenever you could, you are understandably uncomfortable saying “no.” But saying no is a skill you can improve with practice, and declining to volunteer for extra work doesn’t make you a slacker. If it helps, imagine you were advising a co-worker facing similar challenges. You’d encourage them to take care of themselves and their spouse and not take on extra responsibilities, and reassure them that nobody would judge them harshly for setting boundaries. Show yourself the same compassion. Everyone you meet knows or can imagine the stress of caring for a sick spouse. (If they can’t, well, they’re a sociopath and don’t deserve your consideration.) When someone asks you to pitch in for an extra event, decline graciously: “I wish I could, but I’m too busy this year with caregiving responsibilities.” If you’d rather not discuss your husband’s health issue, say: “I wish I could, but I’m already overcommitted this year. I hope I’ll be able to take on more volunteering next year.” That’s the goal, anyway, or one goal. Focus your strength and attention on yourself, your spouse, and the fundamentals of your job this year, and you should be in better shape to take on volunteer extras once you’ve gotten through the immediate crises. Or you might decide that all the extras aren’t a good use of your time, and you’d rather advocate through the school board or union for more staffing and funding to support teachers through good or horrible years. Sign up now for Slate Plus to read all of our Good Job columns for the week. Dear Good Job, I am 57 years old and have been at my current manufacturing (food processing) job for 20-plus years. As I have gotten older, I would like to work in a department, like quality control or our lab, that would have much less wear and tear on my body. I have applied multiple times for jobs in each department over the last couple of years. Yesterday, I was told for the fourth time I didn’t get the job, with the same “so close” response. I have asked what I need to do to improve my chances, and I am told “nothing,” just that a better candidate had applied. How many times do you need to be rejected for a job until you give up on applying for it? The department manager and human resources have told me to keep applying because I am such a “good candidate” and “just missed” getting the job. On paper, I think I am a great candidate, and I’m a long-time employee (seniority is a factor). The only thing I can think of is that I could, but don’t plan to, retire in a few years, and they don’t want to invest in training me out of fear that I will retire soon. It is starting to take an emotional toll on me—thinking that I’m a shoo-in for a job based on previous feedback, only to be told I didn’t get it again. Should I just give up and realize for whatever reason I am not going to get the job(s)? —Supposedly Qualified But Don’t Get the Job (he/him) Dear Supposedly Qualified But Don’t Get the Job, I’m sorry. Getting “so close” to a new job, especially repeatedly, can be demoralizing. You were right to keep applying, and to ask what you could have done to improve your application. The hiring manager’s “nothing” response might have been meant as encouragement, or reassurance that you didn’t make any mistakes, but there are other things you can try. Contact the managers who are responsible for hiring in the departments that interest you. If you met them during your interviews, tell them you appreciated the opportunity to learn more about their departments, and you think they’re doing important and innovative work. (Or somehow praise whatever they’re proud of.) Say you’re glad they found a good candidate for the job, and you’d be interested in any future opportunities. The goal is to dispel any awkwardness and maintain a good working relationship. You want them to think of you fondly when they have a new opening, rather than with guilt or worry that you’re mad about losing out on those previous roles. When you apply for another job, focus on what you can do for their department, rather than why you want the job for yourself. (Talking about what you want, rather than what you bring, is a common mistake people make when applying for a job.) You may be facing intentional or implicit ageism, which is difficult to prove or defend against. But try saying explicitly that you have no intention of retiring and are well prepared for a new challenge. Present your extensive experience as a benefit that would advance the goals of the department you’d like to join. For example, you have a lot of knowledge of products and procedures. You know people across the company. You’ve implemented new technologies; you’ve “managed change” (which is just corporate-speak for helping a team figure out how to do things differently); and you have deep knowledge of this workplace’s culture and power structures. You would like to apply that experience to improve quality assurance, laboratory procedures, or whatever is relevant for this job opening. Tell them you want to help make the department’s work even more relevant to the rest of the manufacturing process and to your customers. Good luck, and I don’t think you should give up. —Laura More Advice From Slate My late husband inherited a large plot of land from his late parents and when he died, it came to me. We had one son together. When I remarried, my husband and I agreed to keep our pre-marital assets separate. The problem is that I have been offered a huge sum of money for the land. It is enough to put my son through college and buy a house afterward. My husband is claiming that the money is needed elsewhere. I agree that putting some aside for my share of our retirement would be something my late husband would want for me… Advice Workplace Jobs