My Boss Has a New, Unsustainable Lifestyle. She’s Determined to Make It Everyone Else’s Problem.

Good Job Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by JackF/Getty Images Plus, DragonImages/Getty Images Plus, and Nimito/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, My boss, who by all accounts is reasonable and sharp, has taken up an intense physical hobby that has completely changed her lifestyle and thereby her personality. Our relationship has shifted from friendly and perhaps overly familiar at times (she was already prone to oversharing) to one where it feels like I am expected to listen to a podcast of her life for several hours per day. Once, I timed how long she could speak about herself without interruption, and she got up to 36 minutes! To this point, the hobby is one where extreme approaches to wellness and fitness are the norm, and I find this topic triggering, given a history of disordered eating. I’ve tried communicating that this topic is not healthy for me, but somehow every conversation—even strictly professional ones—comes back to it. I have a lot of empathy for her personally, and it’s clear she’s going through some stuff that’s hard to deal with, but the power dynamic has become untenable, and I dread our conversations. Because our organization is so small, it is impossible to bring this up to our makeshift human resources department without it pointing directly back to me. Do I just ignore it? How do I give her grace when we are barreling toward our most stressful period of the year and she has decided to prioritize this wildly unsustainable lifestyle choice that also makes her worse at her job? —Eating Lunch at My Desk and Biting My Tongue (she/her) Dear Eating Lunch at My Desk and Biting My Tongue, This is such a common leadership failure: treating your employees like your audience. You may have seen recent research showing that the strongest predictor of whether a leader insists on employees working in the office rather than at home is narcissism. You’re not at the workplace to laugh at your boss’s jokes or nod politely at their 36-minute monologue! (But that was a good idea to time her—the details make your story more absurd when you tell it to people who want to listen and aren’t trapped.) Trampling over boundaries is another common leadership failure, and that’s what your boss did when she ignored your message that this topic isn’t healthy for you. It’s not easy to interrupt someone with power over you, especially when they’re used to not being interrupted. Sometimes it helps to hold up a hand or even make a time-out gesture to get your boss’s attention. If that doesn’t work, just start talking until your boss stops. Practice a few professional, non-threatening, simple messages, and repeat them when necessary: “I’m sorry, I need to get back to the Jones project.” “We’re barreling toward our most stressful period of the year, so I’d better get caught up on these proposals.” “I need to pace myself this week, so do you mind if we talk later?” (Later means never.) It sounds like she’s proud of this new hobby and bragging about it. If you feel confident enough in your relationship, you could briefly share some of your qualms: This hobby can be dangerous, and you hope she’s aware of the risks. “Now, though, I need to get back to work.” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, I work for a state government agency. Years ago, one of my colleagues, “Karina,” was applying to another division where I had friends, and asked me to “put in a good word” for her. I agreed, because I thought she would be a good fit for this other job, despite being a sometimes difficult co-worker of mine personally. I never got to say anything, though, because the applicant pool was so large that Karina was eliminated early on. When Karina didn’t get an interview, she went to human resources and accused the hiring panel of talking to me when I wasn’t listed as an official reference, and accused me of sabotaging her chances. I was pretty shocked and upset, but fortunately, HR believed both the hiring panel and me. Within a month, we were all sent home because of the pandemic, and Karina got another job at a different state agency a few months after that. I never spoke with Karina directly about her allegations. My agency is now consolidating space, and we are moving to a new building that we will share with Karina’s agency. I’m sure I will run into her in the elevator or parking lot. I don’t want conflict with this woman, but I’m pretty sure she still has a couple of years before she retires. Any advice? —I Thought She Was Gone (she/her) Dear I Thought She Was Gone, Karina enjoys stirring up drama and blames other people for her failures. These are two of the strongest “run away!” signals someone can send. It sounds like you’ll share space with Karina’s agency but will not be collaborating on projects, so you should be able to keep any interactions brief and professional. If you do bump into each other on the elevator, use polite, mostly meaningless greetings: “Karina, hi, how are you?” (You don’t have to say, “It’s great to see you again.”) If you’re on a slow elevator and need to extend the conversation, say you’re still getting to know the new office building and ask if there are any lunch spots in the neighborhood she would recommend. Pretend she never accused you of sabotage and you only vaguely remember her as a co-worker from years ago. If Karina does bring up the past, tell her calmly that you never spoke with human resources or the hiring panel about the previous job, and you’re happy she found another position in her current agency. Sign up now for Slate Plus to read all of our Good Job columns for the week. Dear Good Job, I’m a new teacher. I recently graduated with my bachelor’s degree in chemistry, and after some effort, I got all of my teaching certifications so I could teach high school. I’ve been really struggling to make friends and feel included by my co-workers, as I’m also fairly younger than them. In my department, I feel like I’m on an island because I don’t really have anyone heavily supervising me, as chemistry is not as emphasized as the other science classes. My classroom is in the far corner of the school, and I feel like I went the whole year without anyone really trying to connect with me as a person. I have made efforts here and there, but I’m unsure why it’s been this way. Going into next school year, I’d really like to make more friends and social connections at work. What should I do? —A Lone Pair of Electrons (he/him) Dear A Lone Pair of Electrons, It’s so hard to break into a workplace full of long-standing relationships, especially when you’re starting out in a new career. Good leaders know this and ask for volunteers to be peer mentors for new hires, like an elementary school teacher might do for the new kid in class. It’s probably too late for your principal to start such a system, but you could seek out unofficial mentors yourself. If you’ve noticed other teachers who seem particularly social and kind, ask them to get together over coffee, lunch, or whenever both of you have a break during the workday. Tell them you’d like to get to know the other staff better and ask for their advice. They may have standing social events they didn’t think to invite you to. There may be work committees you could volunteer for, or events like a science fair where you would interact with other teachers and staff. Could you team up with other teachers to organize a field trip? If there’s a break room, bring snacks to share. It’s possible the other teachers use up all their social skills during class time and just want to be left alone, but please promise me you’ll try this: Find a local trivia night and ask your colleagues to join you. A trivia team made up of teachers with expertise in different subjects, of different ages and interests, is invincible. —Laura More Advice From Slate I’m almost 18 and graduating high school this spring. My grandparents (father’s parents) just told me they have almost $200,000 saved up that they are giving me for college. I was stunned because I knew they were better off than my parents, but I had no idea about this. I asked why they didn’t give anything to my sister, who is 22 and will graduate college right before I graduate high school. She’s stressed out because she’s had to take out loans that, even if she gets a good job, she might not be able to pay off before she’s middle-aged. They said that this was because I’m their biological grandchild and my sister isn’t… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Workplace Jobs