My Birth Control Failed and We Decided to Start a Family. Then I Learned About What He Left Behind in Another State.

Care and Feeding I had no idea what I was getting into. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by VIJ/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, “Brian” and I had been dating for less than a year when my birth control failed. After serious discussion, we decided to get married and make a go of it. I didn’t find out until I was eight months pregnant with our daughter, “Natalie,” that Brian already had a son, “Zack,” who lived with his mother in a distant state Brian had moved away from for his job. As much as I love Natalie, neither she nor my marriage would have happened if I’d known this when I got pregnant. In fact, if Brian had disclosed this in his dating profile, I would never have gone out with him. He put off telling me because he was ashamed of having no relationship with Zack and his troubled ex-girlfriend, “Sarah,” beyond paying child support, and he wanted to make a fresh start with Natalie. She is now 3. Our first few years as a family were wonderful. But about six months ago, Sarah got the cops called on her for fighting with a neighbor, assaulted the arresting officers, was found to have outstanding warrants, and will likely be incarcerated for at least several years. Zack, now 13, came to live with us. He is out of control, yells and swears constantly, throws and destroys objects, has physically tussled with Brian, makes inappropriate comments about girls and women (including me), and has already been in trouble at school multiple times for sexually harassing female classmates. Brian is completely ineffective at dealing with this behavior, and I’m even more so. I’ve done my best to put a brave face on it, but I have to anonymously confess … I’m miserable living in a house with my stepson. The one thing keeping me in this marriage is that, as long as I’m here, I can at least protect my daughter. If I leave Brian, I’m terrified of what could happen if Natalie has to live half the time at her dad’s with her half-brother, but without me. What should I do? —Between A Rock and a Hard Place Dear Hard Place, This is a terrible situation. I’m sorry for everyone involved, including Zack, who desperately needs help that neither one of his parents seems to have gotten him. It would be a kindness to him to persuade his father to take action now. But you also need to take care of our daughter and yourself. If the “one thing” keeping you in this marriage is the fear you mention of shared custody that will leave Natalie living half the time with Zack—and not love for your husband, a fervent wish to keep him in his daughter’s daily life, or anticipatory grief over ending a marriage that at one time made you happy (etc.)—then I think you should consider and discuss with Brian moving out with Natalie without getting divorced or even legally separated from your husband. Surely Brian is aware that Natalie is at risk in this situation. And surely he knows that you are miserable, even if you haven’t said so. But you need to tell him. Even if you don’t feel you can say, directly, “I don’t want Natalie to live in the same house as Zack. I don’t think it’s safe for her,” you can and should be honest with him about your unwillingness to live with your husband and his son. Tell him it scares you. If he protests that you’re overreacting, or swears that things will somehow get better on their own, take Natalie and go. If divorce will complicate things for you, leave your marriage without divorcing (at least for the time being). The financial repercussions of setting up a separate household if you “just leave” may be considerable—and it’s also possible that if you do leave Brian in this way, he will be the one to demand a divorce, in which case you might end up in a costly custody battle. But don’t assume that he would automatically be awarded a 50/50 physical custody arrangement. And don’t assume that he won’t agree to live separately without a legal arrangement, either. You won’t know how any of this will play out until you talk it over with him. This won’t be easy—nothing about the situation you find yourself in is easy. But I do think you have to address it head-on, as soon as possible. —Michelle More Advice From Slate My 2-year-old son is very attached to me (his mother). I don’t see any problem with this, but some family members (and even my spouse/his dad) have encouraged me to be less accommodating of him to push him away. I could use an outside perspective. Advice Family Kids Parenting