My best mate gets a kick out of me sleeping with his wife – but now I have fallen for her

MY best mate gets a kick out of his wife sleeping with another man then telling him all about it — and I have become that other man. The trouble is, I’ve now fallen head over heels for the wife. I am 28. My friend and his wife are both 30. We have been regulars at the same gym for years and we socialise together, too. We have always been open about everything. When I split up with my long-term girlfriend recently, I was feeling miserable and lonely. That is when my mate suggested I should take his wife home for the night. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. He said the thought of having her report back every explicit detail the next morning was arousing to him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She is so stunning, I gave in to temptation and agreed to try it. To my surprise she was genuinely into the idea and our arrangement has become a regular one. We have experimented with every sexual experience imaginable. She loves doing things my previous partners would never dream of trying. The connection feels genuine, and I am convinced she loves the sex for her own pleasure rather than just to indulge in her husband’s kink, even though she hasn’t actually admitted it. It’s strange putting on an act with all our other friends. Whenever our group socialises at the pub, I have to pretend we are just normal friends. I am scared that I will slip up and show my true feelings and we’ll be the subject of all the gossip. Seeing her just once a week is agonising, and watching her return home to him at the end of the night is torture. I desperately want to ask her to be my actual partner, but I worry I will lose everything we have. DEIDRE SAYS: This arrangement might feel thrilling right now, but the reality is it’s going nowhere. Your mate’s wife is not available and has given you no indication that she wants a real, committed relationship with you. When this inevitably comes to an end you will be heartbroken, miserable and bitter. You may also end up feeling used. So that you know where you stand, tell her how you feel. But be prepared for the reality. If she feels the same, your friendship with your best mate is potentially over. It may be best to go back to being friends with both of them. Put your energy into finding a proper relationship with someone who is free to be with you. My support pack, Finding The Love Of Your Life, will help. BRAVE FACE BUT GRIEF NEVER ENDS DEAR DEIDRE: EVERYONE keeps telling me how well I am doing after my lovely wife died last year, but the truth is I am grieving all day every day. I am 61 and my wife was 59 when she died from a heart attack. I put a brave face on, but it is exhausting. I feel as if my life is over. My wife was a truly wonderful person and the best companion. I am lost without her. I miss her kisses and cuddles and all the things we shared together – things that you never truly miss until they are not there any longer. Everything reminds me of her and I physically ache in my chest. I am speaking to a counsellor, which helps for a little while, but the underlying pain never leaves. I am doing what I can to help myself. I walk in the fresh air every day with my dog. But will I always be like this? Or will the grief eventually lift so that I start to feel better? DEIDRE SAYS: When you lose the person who keeps everything together, it leaves a huge hole. There is no shortcut through grief, but continuing your counselling will gradually help rebuild your strength over time. Please drop the pretence. You don’t owe anyone a brave face, so let trusted friends see your pain. They can then offer you real comfort. My support pack, Coping With Bereavement, explains how grieving affects us. HIS SEX TOYS ARE TOO BIG DEAR DEIDRE: IT was so exciting when my boyfriend and I began using sex toys but then he started introducing larger ones and it has become too painful. I’m 27, he’s 28 and we have been together for almost two years. I have always been open-minded and up for trying almost anything sexually. But recently things have taken a turn, and what was pleasurable for me is no more. I am not sure how to resolve this. I know how much he enjoys our new routine, and the last thing I want is to upset him. Should I speak up now, to set a boundary? Or just stay quiet and hope this phase passes? DEIDRE SAYS: If you stay quiet, you run the risk of becoming completely turned off from sex – and your boyfriend. A good sexual relation-ship comes with open communication and I’m sure your boyfriend would not want sex to become painful for you. There is no need for his confidence or feelings to be compromised. Simply explain the new toys are causing you significant discomfort and, in the spirit of your adventurous relationship, you would like to try something new. I know you want to protect his feelings, but don’t let him pressure you into painful situations which make you uncomfortable. You deserve a sex life that brings you pleasure, not pain. My support pack Sex Toys And Sense will help you. PREGNANT AND IN A BLIND PANIC DEAR DEIDRE: FINDING out I was expecting again should have felt like a blessing, but when I looked at the positive pregnancy test, I felt nothing but panic. I am 35, with a three-year-old daughter and one-year-old son. I admit they are already a handful and take up so much of my time. I was preparing to go back to work part-time when this surprise disrupted all my plans. The thought of going through nine months of pregnancy again scares me. I am filled with dread after my last two pregnancies were a nightmare. I spent time in and out of hospital with complications. It took a huge toll on my body, and seeing my husband suffer through it was just as painful. During my last pregnancy, he worked long night shifts and cared for our daughter during the day without once complaining. We are both running on empty, as it is. He feels so guilty and keeps apologising, saying he will support me in whatever choice I make. We have talked the issue to death, which has been emotionally exhausting for us. Even after speaking with my GP and a counsellor, I feel just as lost and confused. I am lying awake every night unable to decide. Part of me wants to protect my health and focus on the two children we already have, but the decision to terminate is terrifying. I am overwhelmed and scared of making the wrong choice. DEIDRE SAYS: This unexpected pregnancy affects every member of your family, but especially your young children. When you are suffering in the hospital and your husband is worn out, your little ones will feel the strain too. Rather than carrying this choice by yourself, ask your GP for an urgent referral to an obstetrician. A specialist can go through your medical history, look at the risks and explain the chances of repeating the past complications. Let the medical facts help make you make the final decision. For further advice and understanding, my support pack, Unplanned Pregnancy, gives information on sources of support to help you.