My Best Friend and I Are Embroiled In a Dramatic Standoff Over the Same Woman. I’m About to Risk Everything to Get Her.

How to Do It I don’t want to lose my friend. But I will. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Georgii Boronin/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, One of my best friends has entangled me into a really awkward situation in which we are both romantically interested in the same woman. Any move I make feels like I will either lose my friend or the opportunity to be with said woman. Usually, I prefer seeing my friend succeed, and I do not feel like I need a relationship at the moment. But this particular friend isn’t making any moves with her at all. For the past two and a half years, he’s been saying he would, and he’s been very vocal with our friends about liking her, but still, he’s done nothing. I’d make a move myself, but if I do, I could lose a friend. If I don’t, neither of us gets a chance, and the woman gets blocked from any potential relationships she’d have if she’s interested in one of us. At the same time, since there is no guarantee that either of us will date her—or that she even likes us—one of us should really just try our luck and not take it personally if the other one succeeds. It also feels messed up because we’re talking about the woman like she’s a prize to be won or something. It makes me uncomfortable. I just want this ordeal to be done and I don’t know what to do because anything I could do would be seen as a betrayal. Please, if you have any advice I would love to hear it. —Schrodinger’s Cat Indecisive Cousin Dear Schrodinger’s Cat Indecisive Cousin, There’s a classic Judge Judy case referred to colloquially as “Tupperware lady,” which involves a rather spirited plaintiff repeatedly flailing and shouting as she spins a tale about how her roommate weaponized her Tupperware against her. At one point, Judy, who has clearly resolved to counter the plaintiff’s fervor with dispassion verging on disdain, says flatly, “Listen, listen. Let me explain something to you. Don’t get dramatic with me.” That’s how I feel after reading your letter. Do you really think this woman is just waiting around for two and a half years, desperate for someone to make a move? Is she in a coma? Will the kiss of one of you arouse her slumber? Doubt it! It took you many sentences but you finally got to a place of clarity when you wrote: “It also feels like a bit of a messed up situation because now it is talked about like the woman involved is being talked about as more of a prize to be won.” Prior to that, I was wondering how you even conceptualized her agency or existence at all. I know nothing about this woman, but my sense is that neither of you deserve her. Keep your best friend and find someone else to date. If you are as close as you say, talk to him about this. All of this will be easier to manage if you do it together with clear communication. This is really not the moral quandary you think it is. There is no betrayal if you don’t go for this woman. I also see no signs of your friend entangling you based on your description of the situation; this seems like drama you are willingly engaging in. I’ll say it again: Listen, listen. Let me explain something to you. Don’t get dramatic with me. —Rich More Advice From Slate I have been married for 12 years and I have satisfying sex with my husband. However, I seek to scratch an itch that regular sex does not. I regularly look for stories about over-the-knee spankings of older, dominant men and younger women. In my regular life, I would never ever condone child abuse and I do not understand how the thought of myself being dominated, and spanked is such a huge turn-on. I adore my husband and enjoy the sex we have, but I’m so embarrassed to talk to him about this desire that I have not done so. Is this normal? Crazy? I’m so ashamed of it. Advice Sex