Mum’s brutal advice when I was bullied did the trick – she’d sort out UK’s snowflakery epidemic, but wind up in jail

THE actor and farmer Sir Sam Neill died this week and on social media someone posted an interview he’d given where he was asked: “What’s the best piece of advice you ever got from your parents?” It took him a moment to collect his thoughts but eventually he said that, as a young man at university, he was worried he’d make a mess of his exams and his mother had said: “Pull yourself together.” Jeremy admits he was a bit of a ‘prig’ as a schoolboy and reveals his mother told him he was being bullied at school because he was doing something wrong Credit: Shutterstock She’d be arrested for even thinking such a ridiculous thought, says Jeremy Credit: Getty I smiled because his mother, and mine, were plainly cut from the same cloth. When I was a kid, I sobbed to her one night that everyone at school was bullying me and she replied: “Well, if everyone is bullying you, you must be doing something wrong.” Today, she’d be arrested for even thinking such a ridiculous thought. And so would all of the kids who’d been bullying me. And she’d be in jail with Sam Neill’s mother for mental health abuse in the community. But I wonder. Did our parents have the right idea? And have we now lost the plot? This week, I woke up with a cold and shuffled into the office feeling very sorry for myself. “I have a terrible cold”, I said to Kit, the director of the farm show. Now, current thinking would suggest that he should have immediately summoned the medic, offered me counselling and then sent me home to sit in a rocking chair until I felt better. But what he actually said was: “We have a big film crew here today and a lot to do so get a grip, because we need to get cracking.” Which is what we did. And as a result, work was completed, food was produced, television was made and the wheels of the economy were greased. This is what we should remember when we have problems in our heads. Yes, you can get people to weep and feel sorry for you, but you will still have problems in your head. Far better, surely, to take your mind off those problems by doing something else. Like going to school, or work. Let me put it this way. After my mother said I was being bullied because I was doing something wrong, I worked out that I was a bit of a prig. And that life would be easier if I took up smoking, had a few pints and maybe put one of the teachers’ cars in the assembly hall. After I’d done all that, I had some real laughs, made some great friends and the bullying stopped. GIVE THOSE ARGIES PAIN, SPAIN Argentina players with their Falklands banner after beating England Credit: Getty AS I write, lots of people are gnashing their teeth and saying that, because political messages are banned by international football’s governing body, Argentina should be thrown out of the World Cup and fined for holding up a banner saying the Falkland Islands are Argentinian. But that wasn’t a political statement. It wasn’t even a fact, because it was incorrect. It’d be like us holding up a banner saying that Denmark is British. Or the French saying that the moon is made of cheese. I mean, Trump says Greenland is American but that doesn’t make it so, does it? So, we should ignore the Argie foolishness and gather round, as one, hoping and praying with all our hearts that they get absolutely smashed by Spain tomorrow. SOME are saying that after England’s defeat in the World Cup on Wednesday, manager Thomas Tuchel should be sacked. Really? Some fans are calling for Thomas Tuchel to be sacked Credit: Alamy Have these people not been observing the British political scene? We keep getting rid of Prime Ministers and, every time, the one we get next is even worse. NIGEL IS BLOOM ‘N’ BUST Nigel Farage waited for the cameras to start rolling before laying flowers in memory of Ann Widdecombe Credit: Reuters WHAT on earth has happened to Nigel Farage? I don’t agree with many of his policies and find his double-breasted, all-hail good fellow schtick a bit golf club annoying, but I admit he’s always been an extremely skilled politician. He’s quick on his feet, engaging and all the rest of it. But then, out of nowhere, he had a tantrum and decided to pick a fight with “the establishment”, as he calls it. What happened? He’s ended up in a fight with a pedal bin. Just a few days later, he then went down to poor Ann Widdecombe’s house with some flowers. Nothing wrong with that, of course. But he was seen not doing anything with them until the news cameras were rolling. And that’s not a good look, I’m afraid. He used to be savvier than this. GREENS ARE ALL HOT AIR Hannah Spencer, the Green Party’s resident plumber Credit: Reuters THE Green Party’s resident plumber, Hannah Spencer, says people should be sent home if their workplace goes above a certain temperature. She reckons an independent body is needed to work out where the cut-off point should be. Give me strength. Why do you need an expensive, publicly funded panel of waffling biscuit munchers to work out when it’s too hot to work. Just pick a number and go with it. Or better still, don’t. It’s hard enough running a business at the moment without the staff waving a thermometer in your face every five minutes. In the tented shop at my pub, it gets unbelievably hot when the sun is blazing down. Too hot to think. Too hot to work. Too hot to breathe, sometimes. When that happens, we shut it. We don’t need legislation. We just use our common sense. And that, I suspect, is the problem here. People in the Green Party don’t have any. FRIGHT SPARKS Jeremy is fearing this year’s harvest could go up in flames Credit: Prime SINCE I started farming seven years ago, the harvest has always been a nail-biting affair because you have to stop when the grain is too wet. Drizzle, dew and even humidity can halt proceedings for days. This year, though, I have a new problem. The grain is too dry. It’s Thursday as I write this and I should be out there in the tractor, but I’m stuck. And genuinely scared. Because all it would take is a discarded cigarette end, or the spark from a piece of faulty equipment and in a matter of moments, my whole crop would be turned into ash. A year’s work, literally, up in smoke. SWIMS ARE SO DIPPY EVERY morning, even in the depths of winter, my partner Lisa will take herself off to the nearest pond and hurl herself into it. It looks like madness to me but, like a million other middle-aged ladies, she claims cold-water wild swimming helps her concentrate, lifts her mood, burns fat and mends tired muscles. Now, however, scientists have said that, actually, immersing yourself in cold water has no long or medium-term benefits at all. You get a bit of a rush when you first get in but as soon as you get out again, you’re back to where you started. Unless, of course, you were one of the 202 people in the UK last year who went for a refreshing cold-water swim. And then died. Probably best, then, you take a leaf out of my book. I will only swim if the boat I’m on has sunk. And I won’t get into any sort of water unless it’s warm and in a bath.