Most People Would Love a Boss Like Mine. It’s Making Me Miserable.

Good Job Photo illustraation by Slate. Photos by Unsplash and Pheelings Media/Getty Images Plus. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, I’m feeling painfully unmotivated at my job these days, and I’m trying to figure out what the right solution would be. I’ve been working in property management for five years and have worked my way up to being a manager. However, my current property and team are small, and things run fairly smoothly. These aren’t bad things! But they kind of are, for me. it means that my regional boss doesn’t check on us much, and I’m often working alone. I’ve never been good with intrinsic motivation. College was awful for me without parents or teachers checking to make sure I completed assignments or came to class. Now I’m feeling the same way at my job. I’m stressed about failing, but I still can’t manage my time or tackle my big tasks! My last assistant manager was good at reminding me if I forgot to do something (and had a stronger work ethic overall than me), but she moved over the summer. My new one is experienced, but still learning about the building’s needs and workflow. I’ve repeatedly felt that I liked the lower-level positions I had in this business where I could do more clerical filing and interacting with people, but they don’t pay enough for my financial goals. There’s an administrative assistant role posted on the company career page for corporate that tempts me. I think a change of pace, an office with more people, and more direct reporting to higher-ups could be really helpful for me. However, the pay range is anywhere from 5-20 percent less than what I make hourly, and presumably wouldn’t have bonuses either like I get now for new and renewed leases , so potentially more like a 30 percent pay cut. My company generally seems to be one of the better ones in the area for employees, so going to a competitor feels risky. I want to buy a house next year, and I know job stability matters for that, so leaving this field entirely feels like a bad move. Should I try to slog through one more year and hope I don’t mishandle anything big? Or is there a solution I’m not considering? —Mopey in Management Dear Mopey in Management, Everything else aside, voluntarily taking a 30 percent pay cut the year before you want to buy a house is generally frowned upon, to put it mildly, by mortgage brokers, real estate agents, banks, and anyone else involved in the financial aspects of buying a house. Unless you’re willing to downsize your expectations for your new house by 30 percent (or more), I would urge caution about taking this new position. But if you’re staying in your job, let’s think about some ways we could set you up for success. Since you need external motivation, I suggest that you proactively ask your regional boss for weekly check-ins where you go over the agenda for the week and discuss which tasks are urgent, as well as the status of anything outstanding. A weekly one-to-one is pretty standard in the business world, and if they push back at all, I’d frame it not as “I need this check-in to stay accountable or else I won’t get anything done,” but as “I want to make sure I’m meeting your expectations.” I’d also be more explicit about what you need from your assistant manager. If there’s a large task, have them help you break it down into more manageable deadlines, and ask that they help you stay on task. Finally, this is outside my area of expertise, but a lot of what you wrote rang some bells for possible ADHD. I’d encourage you to at least explore that as a possibility, because there may be ways that a diagnosis and specific coping mechanisms could really help you. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, I have a lot of workplace trauma. I was a classroom teacher (physical violence, plus the guilt of feeling complicit in systems that oppressed my students) and then worked at super exploitative education nonprofits (my boss used slurs to describe the kids we served and I think is now in a director role) and exploitative tech before getting laid off. I tried for years after to find work, but the best I can find now is a part-time contract gig. It’s also sub-optimal. They expect full-time commitment and availability at the drop of a dime, but are quick to remind me that I’m not a “real” employee, and I don’t get benefits, and make sub-minimum wage. Plus everyone else is buddies but me. I also have a lot of personal trauma, including a situation that’s deeply painful, totally outside of my control, and not going to resolve any time soon. Whenever I’ve tried to address the very real, legally documented safety concerns that are still part of this situation at work, I’ve been told that I’m the problem. So I’ve just stopped doing it, and tried to accept that I’m always going to feel a little unsafe at work. These two factors combine to mean that I have trouble navigating environments that feel exploitative or unfair, and stress feels stronger to me, leading to a lower threshold for overwhelm than for people who’ve had safer lives. My current gig has some crappy tendencies and is also really chaotic and messy, and I can feel myself getting overwhelmed at tasks my colleagues think are easy, ranting to work friends, and getting snappy. I feel overlooked, overworked, overwhelmed, and under-appreciated, and because I’m not a “real” employee, I don’t even feel safe saying it. The job market is awful for anyone with my background, and I don’t have any backup options or savings. What do I do? Can I get a workplace-specific lobotomy? Is someone magically going to hire me in an industry I haven’t already tried? My therapist says I’m already doing the hard work trying to heal, but then why (on top of capitalism) does working feel like it’s trying to make my head explode?—Trauma Ruining My Life Dear Trauma Ruining My Life, I want to give you a big virtual hug! I can feel the pain you’re in, and how much you’re struggling to overcome the trauma in your personal and professional lives. So I do really want to validate your feelings about the trauma you’ve experienced, and how your current work situation is exacerbating it. I don’t blame you for feeling like crap at work all the time! It sounds like you’ve really been through the wringer. But the first thing I want to suggest is something very practical: I strongly suspect that you are being misclassified as a contractor, and that your sub-minimum-wage salary is illegal. Depending on which state you live in, this could have real consequences. I would call your state labor department and/or schedule a consultation with an employment lawyer (these are usually free) to understand what your options are. In the near-term, I would probably do whatever I could to calm my nervous system at work, which would probably include setting clear boundaries in terms of what you will and won’t do and the times you’re available. I would also probably stop venting to work friends, as appealing as it feels in the moment, because it’s just going to exacerbate your feelings of despair around your job. It sounds like you have a great therapist—she can be the sympathetic ear you’re looking for. Finally, I also want to emphasize that this particular job is not a referendum on you personally, or your employability. It’s the job you have right now, but it’s not going to be the job you have forever, and it doesn’t define you. You’re going to get through this—I know you will. —Doree More Work Advice From Slate I work for a company that is fully remote. Last week, the woman who leads HR messaged me to say that she had put a meeting on my calendar for the end of the day. This of course ruined my entire day. When I entered the meeting, it was her and one other person, who said she was there to observe as outside counsel. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Workplace Jobs