‘I’ve built a life with someone but I feel more connection with my ex. Should I leave?’

Dear Roe,I have got back in touch with an ex-partner who I have not seen in many, many years. We had and still have a really strong connection, especially emotionally. I have thought about her constantly over the years but more recently since Covid when I realised after that (and the death of my parents) that I was not happy in my life. I feel quite stuck. I have built a life with someone but it has really amounted to nothing for me as it all on their terms, in their county, running their family business. I have made sacrifices for them but I am not happy. I feel I finally have the opportunity to live for me, before it’s too late. I am financially independent at the moment due to an inheritance, so I could leave the business. This other person has brought me back to myself. They listen to me and appreciate me for who I am, not just what I can do for them. It’s nice to be wanted for me just as I am. I feel alive for the first time in years. So my issue is: do I open up fully to this person and let them know exactly how they make me feel and take the risk of rejection? The older I get the more I realise that I don’t want to end up at 80 looking back, asking: why didn’t you take the chance? My partner is not a bad person but I think sometimes in life people just end up with the wrong long-term partner after the initial excitement of sexual attraction. This wears off but the other qualities endure in people and I need my partner to be my best friend as well. Where should I go with this?[ Ask Roe: Send your sex and relationship questions anonymouslyOpens in new window ]I don’t know the specifics of your situation and I can’t predict the future, but I will say that I rarely think that ex partners hold the key to our futures – at least not on their own. There are a lot overlapping issues happening here and I fear that instead of addressing them fully, you’re projecting a simplified narrative on to both your partner and your ex. One has been cast as the problem, one has been cast as the saviour, and in constructing these simple narratives you have essentially outsourced all responsibility for your entire life’s happiness or despair on to these women.But the truth is that you hold much more power than you think; the power to transform your life and start living it more authentically and bravely. But that brave, authentic life does not begin by merely running from one unhappy situation into a fantasy – it begins by looking at the choices you have made, the reasons behind those choices, and deciding to choose differently.READ MOREAnd returning to your ex would be running towards a fantasy, even if it ends up working out. I find it interesting that you don’t mention why your and your ex broke up, while simultaneously undermining your initial connection with your current partner as just sexual attraction. Again, there’s a simplified narrative being created here, where your current feelings are being treated as the objective and concrete truth of these women and your situation. This mindset claims that because your feelings for your partner have waned, the love you shared was never real; and because you’re attracted to your ex again, they were always the one you were destined to be with.But the reality is that you and your ex broke up for a reason; you have built a life with your partner, and it’s very easy to compare the day-to-day pressures and difficulties and mundanities of a long-term relationship with an idealised fantasy of someone else. You’ve already warned yourself about the dangers of romanticising the first stages of excitement and attraction – so don’t do this with your ex.There’s a danger of patterns repeating themselves here, which is why you should try address the issues you’re facing in your current relationship first, even if you do ultimately decide to end it. Doing so means that real change will be possible whether you stay or go. Without doing this work, you’re simply running away from one relationship into the fantasy of another, and are likely to bring all of your problems with you.You say that you have made sacrifices and are living in a life that feels centred on someone else’s dreams and desires, not your own. How did that happen? Did it happen because you had internalised ideas of what a good partner should do? Did you not have clear dreams of your own? Did it happen because you do not articulate your own needs in relationships? Did following someone else’s clearly defined plan feel easier that forging one of your own? Have you ever expressed your unhappiness or tried to craft a new way of living in this relationship, or have you avoided the discomfort of having a difficult conversation, of causing a disruption, or doing the hard work of venturing into the unknown and uncertain?You’re now financially independent and could build a new life, a new career, a new way of being. Why is it not possible to do in your current relationship? Have you even tried, or had that conversation with your partner?These questions are important for you to answer honestly. I don’t doubt that family pressures and obligations and expectations weighed heavily on you – but you made active choices, too. Consider how avoiding this work in your current relationship and escaping into the fantasy of a perfect life with your ex are connected by a thread of avoidance, of the fear of uncertainty, and the act of handing over the responsibility of your life’s trajectory to someone else.You say you are scared of your ex rejecting you, but I think you also fear your partner rejecting you if you express your needs – and there’s an even deeper issue of you constantly rejecting yourself. I wonder when you started rejecting your own desires, your own voice, your own power and agency? When did you start rejecting your own vision for a life and start turning to other people to provide the answers for you?[ 'My partner is having an affair with a colleague but says she wants another baby'Opens in new window ]Remove these two women from the equation for the moment. What do you want from life yourself, without being dependent on other people to craft that vison for you? If you can’t imagine that, maybe consider that these women aren’t the problem or the answer, but symptoms of your lack of inner clarity – and maybe that’s what you need to work on.What would it mean to start living your truth now, of expressing your needs to your partner, of making choices that feel right to you, without simply running towards someone else? If you do and your partner supports your and embarks on this new chapter of life with you, you will learn what it means to grow with someone. If she doesn’t, you will be able to leave knowing you are doing so with honesty, bravery and authenticity instead of simply running away.[ My partner wants to buy a house but I’m scared of living out his dream, not my ownOpens in new window ]Don’t wait to be with your ex to start trying to live authentically. Do it now, be speaking your truth out loud. See what happens. No matter who you end up with, you need to commit to yourself. Trust me, you hold more answers about your life’s happiness and purpose than anyone else ever could.