I’ve Been Passed Over for a Promotion Because of My Co-Workers’ Sabotage. I’m Afraid It’s About to Get Worse.

Good Job It’s making it difficult to work here. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Irina Gutyryak/iStock/Getty Images Plus and Olga Yastremska/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, I work in a subdepartment of a larger department in a hospital. My managers are rarely involved over here. Every year, we have to do self-reviews and also peer reviews, where we review other members of our team. The team I work on is a total of 20 people. I work regularly with eight of them on night shifts. As our managers don’t do much more than surface-level check-ins with our clinical coordinators, they rely heavily on these reports. I’m autistic and have severe ADHD. I’m by far the most socially awkward member of the team. Last year, my review included such things as “breaks into conversation at inappropriate times” and “can’t read a room to save her life.” No one on my team or my managers knows I have these disorders. Also, over the past six months, I’ve been going through a major depressive episode that has taken a bit of a toll on my house. With two cats, I know I’ve shown up in clothes that smell musty or like cats despite using Febreze, and one of the ruder members (who definitely wrote the “can’t read a room” comment) has regularly made snide remarks about it “stinking” when I’ve walked in. (As my mental health has improved, so has the clothing issue.) I have already been passed over for a promotion once because of these issues, and promotions are rare here. I’m sure my peer reviews are going to be terrible again. How do I handle this? It makes it difficult to work here and work with these people sometimes, but I also love my job. —Yes, I’m an Awkward Turtle (she/her) Dear Awkward Turtle, Peer reviews are supposed to be egalitarian and revealing—the people who do the work together ought to be able to identify one another’s strengths and opportunities for growth. But peer review is too often abused by cruel or conniving people. The sneakiest ones systematically underrate all their peers in their anonymous reviews, so their scores will look higher by comparison. (Note to these schemers: As Awkward Turtle has observed, “anonymous” reviews are never all that anonymous.) I’m so sorry the bullies in your workplace are weaponizing the performance review process. If your workplace has an anonymous whistleblower system, use it to share your concerns (knowing it’s unlikely to remain fully anonymous). Send one message at a time. The first is that members of your department have been cruel and unprofessional to another member. (Don’t specify that you are the victim, to help the anonymity stand.) The second message is that the workplace peer review system is being used to insult colleagues. These messages typically go to human resources and then get forwarded to the relevant leadership. In a hospital setting, people who monitor the whistleblower tip line are focused on patient safety and various compliance issues, so you might not see any results. Speaking with a human resources representative might be more effective. Ask for a meeting to discuss the performance review process. Tell the HR rep that one or more of your colleagues are using the peer review system to make personal insults. Your experience might prompt HR to send guidelines to your team or the full staff about keeping peer reviews focused on performance. While you’re there, if you’re ready, tell the HR rep that a person is insulting you in front of your colleagues. They may offer to host a mediation session between you and that bully. Such sessions are rarely easy, but they’re especially fraught for anyone who is socially awkward. (Or made to feel socially awkward, because how “awkward” we are is a function of the social environment.) Feel free to turn that offer down, but know it’s there if the problem escalates. HR will probably tell you to document any misbehavior by colleagues, which you should do even if they don’t mention it. Keep a list of episodes with dates, direct quotes, and who was present at the time. I’m glad your mental health is improving, and congratulations on managing your depressive episode. You say you haven’t mentioned your autism or ADHD to your managers, and I assume that includes HR and extends to depression. As you probably know, you are entitled to workplace accommodations for any of these conditions. That’s another item to add to your list of things to discuss with HR when and if you’re ready. Your managers should be paying more attention to all of their staffers, even (or especially) those who work nights. It would be perfectly reasonable for you to ask for a check-in with a manager to discuss promotions, or “opportunities for advancement,” which is the business-ese, less loaded phrase. Come to the meeting with a short, bullet-pointed list of some of your recent accomplishments, such as problems solved, improvements to workflows, production numbers, or anything else that shows off your skills and likely isn’t captured in a peer review. Tell your manager you think you’re performing well and would like their advice about how to advance. Are there trainings you could take? New projects you could help with? Present it not as a “give me a raise” conversation but as a “how else can I help and grow” conversation. If such a conversation sounds too far outside of your turtle shell, it would be fine to email your manager with these points and ask for their feedback. No matter how well you prepare, peer reviews can feel devastating. It’s easy to fixate on the negative points, even when they’re meant to be constructive. Have your past peer reviews also included encouraging or complimentary comments? Next time you look at a performance review, re-read those ones. It’s a typical human thing, no matter how neurotypical or not you are, to notice negative and dismiss positive feedback. Finally, it would be a proper use of the peer review system to critique the bully for insulting colleagues, disrupting workplace operations, and undermining productivity. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, My good friend at work was recently promoted to be my direct supervisor. She’s great at it! We’ve also continued our friendship with virtually no changes. At some point, we talked about it, and I made it clear that I understood that she might have to give me feedback or occasionally have hard conversations, and that I totally got it. We’ve checked in at certain points to make sure the arrangement still feels good for both of us, with the understanding that we can ask for a change with no hard feelings. Technically, I could switch to the other manager at her level with the same roles if I wanted to, but my supervisor is the better supervisor! I’m good at my job, don’t need a ton of management, and I’m good at advocating for myself when I need something. I take feedback well enough when she needs to tell me things, and she’s a really thoughtful communicator. All of this is fine, right? Sometimes I feel weird about it, since I’m the only one of her direct reports that she’s friends with. We try to keep it low-key around the office so other people don’t feel uncomfortable with it. I don’t think there is any favoritism happening either. Is there a chance this arrangement blows up? I love her as a friend and wouldn’t want to risk it, but it also all seems to be working great. Do I just need to accept that my job is in a great place right now and relax? —Besties With the Boss (she/her) Dear Besties With the Boss, As you can imagine, workplace friendships can turn into disasters, especially when there’s a power imbalance. But most of the time they’re lovely! It’s perfectly natural to make friends at work, where people have similar backgrounds and interests, and you’re solving problems together (or suffering fools together) for most of your waking hours. You and your friend have been very thoughtful about the transition from peers to manager and direct report. She knows she can give you feedback, you know you can advocate for yourself, and you’re both good at your jobs. Your peers have surely noticed that you and the manager are friendly, so be extra conscientious about sticking to professional interactions while you’re at work. The burden of recognizing and minimizing conflicts of interest falls more on your manager than on you, because she has more power in your organization. She didn’t write in, but if she did, I would advise her to be extra cautious not to let her affection for you influence who gets what scores or raises at performance review time. She should also mention to her manager that the two of you are friends and assure them that your friendship will not influence your working relationship. If possible, split your professional relationship and your friendship into two realms that you inhabit at different times and places. Keep the workplace about work, and when you get together in the evenings or weekends, talk about anything but work. (That’s hard, I know—friends talk about their jobs.) One reason I’m optimistic about your friendship and professional relationship is that you are genuinely happy for your friend. You’ve probably heard some version of the saying that “it’s not enough to succeed; one’s friends must fail.” That sentiment is wrong, gross, and self-destructive. Life is not a zero-sum game. Being thrilled for a friend’s success is one of life’s great pleasures. Sign up now for Slate Plus to read all of our Good Job columns for the week. Dear Good Job, I really enjoy the work I do at my nonprofit job, but it took a long time to find my footing. Coming from very small nonprofit teams, it took a full year just to understand the role and another year to figure out how to make it work for me. My current supervisor has extremely high standards but offered very little guidance, which made it difficult to meet expectations and created a lot of stress. Because of that, I quietly started exploring other opportunities within the institution. Right as I began those conversations, our department structure changed. The four of us who handle advancement operations, donor relations, research, and database support were told we would soon report to a new leader instead of our current supervisor. That news was a huge relief. Around the same time, a colleague in a related development role with whom I frequently collaborated announced their departure, and that position is now posted. So, within the next few months, two new leaders will be joining our broader team. With all this change happening at once, I’m hopeful the incoming manager will bring a more collaborative and communicative leadership style, and I’m eager to start fresh and establish a healthier working dynamic. I’m trying to think strategically about how to show up well when the new manager arrives—how to make a strong first impression, build trust early, and then share what I need to thrive, like collaboration, balanced feedback, and constructive guidance—without overwhelming them right away. I’d love your perspective on timing and approach. —Showing Up Well With a New Leader (she/her) Dear Showing Up Well With a New Leader, It’s a great idea to think about how you can impress a new leader and build a productive relationship as quickly as possible. It sounds like your new supervisor will come from outside the organization, which means they have a lot to learn about your nonprofit. You’ve been there for two years, in an important role, and have collaborated across departments, so you understand the cast of characters at your workplace and know how to get things done. The best way to get your boss to help you is to help your new boss. When you have your first meeting with your boss, be prepared to tell them your “story.” Explain why you were drawn to this work. Talk about your dedication to the nonprofit’s mission. Describe your role and tell them how it has grown. Don’t blame your former supervisor for your rocky start—don’t even mention that it was rocky—but do say that you’ve learned a lot in your time here and name some skills you’ve developed. In this initial meeting, it’s important to ask questions as well as answer them. Ask your new boss about their journey to your organization. What drew them to it? What are their aspirations for the new job? Tell them you want to help achieve those goals. In your role, that might mean briefing them on past fundraising campaigns or donors who have made a big difference for the organization. Point out that you’ve worked across departments and offer to be a bridge between your department and the development team with its new leader. To continue building your relationship, ask your boss for a regular one-on-one meeting. In one of your early meetings, give your new boss some examples of projects you’ve worked on collaboratively, building on constructive guidance, to show how the sort of conditions you thrive under can benefit the organization. In all of these conversations, as well as whatever meetings your new boss runs, pay attention to their priorities. Where possible, mirror their language when you express your ideas and requests. It’s possible your new supervisor will have even higher standards than your previous one and offer even less feedback. But this time you’re coming from a position of relative strength, given your greater institutional knowledge, and you can express your needs in a way the new boss will understand. —Laura More Advice From Slate I have been an eighth-grade teacher for seven years now and am beginning to think I made a terrible mistake in terms of choosing my profession. It’s not me, it’s the kids. And it’s getting worse. The kids I teach are rude and feral… Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Workplace Jobs